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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Guess tonight just aint happening!
Post Info TOPIC: Guess tonight just aint happening!
Keoki


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Posts: 5
Date:
Guess tonight just aint happening!
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Being new to the concept that there is help available to those who by other than their choice are dealing with an A with substance issues. I now look for help.


 I've spent the last 18 years of my life loving a beautiful woman whom has given me three beautiful children.  Spent the last 9 years married to this woman.  But because a of her drinking, drug abuse and the three affairs that have plegued our marriage in the last year, we are getting divorced!  I'm not a stranger to drugs nor can I claim to have never drank.  What I can say is that I have tried to get her the help I thought she needed, just to find out that agreeing to seek help was just her way to shut me up.  I don't drink nor do I take drugs.  Not because I can't, but because I don't want to!  I've never let alcohol become a problem for me so I don't really know what she is dealing with!  Quitting for me was a choice and I know to work for her it must also be her choice.  So heres the problem....Why would she rather give up her 3 children, husband and what I would call a stable life where all needs are met?  I believe that if she would sober up for a month, no drugs... nothing!  And then make these decisions which will effect the rest of her life, the rest of all of our lives!  She would have the mind to make wise decisions. 


But things are not heading that direction, in fact the other way seems fine for her. I've all but given up on her.  I can't hold her because of the thoughts of her holding others, She lies about most things.  The Kids don't believe anything she says, they seem to look to me to fix it!  They even have suggeted that maybe I could have stopped this long ago.  Yes, maybe....but I'm now angry, hurt, heartbroken and just exausted.  I know that if I don't keep it together and go crazy, I may cause more hurt to the kids, and maybe even loose them!  Not knowing where she is for days at a time just drives me nuts.  I can't help thinking that maybe in some way I am to blame.  Maybe she was not happy with the home I have provided, or the fun we seemed to have was only in my mind, or maybe the love we shared was not genuine. 


I know I must get my head on straight to save my children!  Tonight I had planned to go to my first al-anon meeting, and ofcoarse she never made it home.  I really looked forward to gathering up some literature on how to handle my feelings and find out more about al-ateen.  I think a F2F as some one called it would be better for me because of the lack of my typing skills.


So I guess tonights al-anon meeting aint happening for Keoki



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Tammy


Senior Member

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Posts: 394
Date:
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Welcome to the board.. This place has been a safe place for me for nearly a year.  I have found comfort in knowing that my feelings are real.. That when I think i am going crazy there are others here either feeling the same way or have felt the same way before.  The feelings you are having are real.. I have been with my husband for 20 years all of which he drank and a few years ago i found out he smokes pot too.. I felt that if i would have been a better wife, mother, if i were prettier, skinner, or just better he wouldnt want to drink.  For years, i thought his drinking was all my fault.. Now thanks to this board i know that I didnt cause his drinking and no amount of begging, threatening, or bargining will make him stop. I think that is what saved me from actually going crazy ( although sometimes I still feel i am heading that way )  .. They are great manipulators, and have a way of pulling us in and making us believe it is our fault.  Dont let them,  if you dont get to attend a meeting right away i would encourage you to get all the information you can on the disease and i would recommend a courage to change.. That is very helpful to me...


We are living in caos, a rollercoaster h*** all caused by the disease of addiction.  My children are teenagers and understand what is happening.. They see each time he lies, drinks and becomes angry at the drop of a hat.. My concern is that my son will grow up and think it is okay to treat his wife the same way.  Or that my daughter will take the abuse that I put up with on a daily basis .. My counselor ask, if it were your daughter what would you tell her to do ???  That scared me... Sometimes, i think that they are upset that i have stayed so long .. I know that our marriage is ending and it is really ripping my heart apart.  I too cant understand why a man would give up his children and wife of 20 years for a drink.. Makes no sense to me but they arent thinking clearly.. My hopes are that someday he will wake up from his drunken state and realize what he is loosing .. before it is too late..


Keep coming back, there are so many great people on this board from all over the world all with wisdom, compassion and words of encouragement. 


Keep looking UP


Tammy



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Tammy
Elizabeth M


Veteran Member

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Posts: 68
Date:
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I too questioned whether or not the good times were only in my mind...you are not alone in the why this disease effects your thinking...you are sick too and f2f meeting will help you get better.  Since you can 't depend on her make a plan B so that you will be able to get to the next meeting .IT WILL HELP.  Keep coming back.

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david62


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1501
Date:
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Hi Keoki,

Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am so glad you found us. This place can help you. Many, many of us have been in situations very similiar to yours and with the help of this program and the willingness to reach out, we have found a better way to live and a better understanding of what it means to be an alcholic/addict and how living with it has affected our lives.

My own story is very similiar to yours in that I too was married to an alcoholic woman who seemed to choose a life of drinking and cheating over the life that we had made together. We had many wonderful times before her drinking took more and more control over our lives. In the end she claimed she could not remember those times, and professed they never happened. I even started to doubt them myself. I too questioned whether it was my fault. If I had been a better provider, a better friend, a better lover a better _______ (fill in the blank).

Why would she choose to throw away our life together to drink?

I have come to understand with the help of this program first off, that I didnt cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I also came to believe that my wife had a disease called alcholism, and that this disease controlled her...and that without help she couldn't stop. Help that she had to want.

I came to understand it really wasnt about me. It was about her. No amount of changing or trying to do what I though she wanted, or my being who she wanted me to be..changed anything. She was going to drink.

You are NOT responsible for her drinking/drugging.

Please get yourself to a meeting. As Elizabeth, said, come up with a plan B next time so that can find a way there. Some meetings have child care, look into that in your area.

We have meetings here in the chat room twice a day as well please join us there.

Keep coming back!

Yours in Recovery,
David

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Laughter is the Beginning of Healing
Maria123


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2055
Date:
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((((((((((((Keoki)))))))))))

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If I am not for me, who will be?  If I am only for myself, then who am I?  If not now, when?
bubbles1990


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 408
Date:
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((((((((((keoki)))))))))))))))) My prayers are with you!!!

bubbles123

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bubbles123
Jennifer


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1382
Date:
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Welcome Keoki,


Glad you are here! Keep coming back. My thoughts are with you.


Jennifer



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nycbt


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 810
Date:
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Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.


 


World Service Organization Website –


WWW.al-anon.alateen.org


Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666


Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF


Tel: 020 7403 0888


http://www.al-anonuk.org.uk/


Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html 


Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.



  • Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
  • post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

·        In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.


·        Set support system.  people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.



  • Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.


 

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
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