The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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i was in my f2f tonight and the topic of rejection was brought up and how alanon helps me cope. i was thinking of what happened yesterday with the lady and the stop sign incident and how ashamed i felt. i felt like the worst person on earth because this woman was yelling at me. her point was correct but it struck me that a total stranger yelling at me could provoke such overwhelming feelings of shame and dispair. but i did (do) the same thing to my children. that is how i discipline. today my 3 year old emptied her juice bottle all over the back seat. of the new car. which she has attempted before but i have caught her in time. and i don't yell but i tell her very sternly that i am so angry that she did that and that it was so wrong and i've told her before etc. she cries.and i feel awful and try to think of a new way to handle situations like this better. i have thought all night and i have no clue. this is what my mother did. i know it's not right. i am not comfortable with it but i don't know how to do it differently. my mother to this day shames and blames. so i don't ever want to be around her much less talk to her. i did the same thing to my older 2 and i feel the seperation it has caused. so i'm praying on it and if anyone has any esh i would so apperciate it.
the other issue it brought up was my ah's rejection of the kids. he said to me last night on the phone that he misses watching them do their kid things like dancing around in cute costumes. then he said he meant not all the time because it did get old. he is so removed from being the father they knew but they don't know it. they assume he loves them as much as they love him. he doesn't. he has let them go and he is not looking to get them back. they are growing up thinking that that is love. that it is acceptible. so i thought that i should just stay out of their relationship all together but maybe i should say something to him or try to phase him out of their lives. i do not know what is best. in this moment. i am trying to see my motives for doing anything at all. i am unclear on what my motives are. i want to protect my kids from being hurt, scarred and suffering. but my mother stood in the way of my relationship with my father and i have a huge resentment that i haven't let go of yet. my dad and i worked it out and were very close but we lost alot of years. i just don't know.....
I am the mother of 3 wonderful sons Serendipity ~ the toughest job in this whole wide world that I will ever love ~ and a life sentence to boot (ha ha). Not sure of your ages, mine are now soon to be 21, 19 1/2 and soon to be 18.
By working my program, I have given them so much. They laugh and joke about "the cult" but often I hear my words echoed in their sentiments. When I hear them say "you know what Mom says 'you gotta have faith'" I know my program is working through to them. My motives aren't for that reason. I come here because it helps me be a better mother.
I, too, at times go back when my children were little and even cry myself to sleep over the mistakes I've made. But today, just for today, I am different. I did not have recovery when they were little. I did not know what I did not know. No excuses, just the facts. I so wished I had known then what I know now. Mother and guilt are sometimes synonymous with each other. IMHO, there is no love like a mother's love.
Your children are gonna now how much you love them. They will soon learn as they get older, that you are human with assets and defects but as long as you are Mom, they will love you. If you make a mistake or are having a bad day, tell them. It lets them know that everyone has bad days and you don't have to be perfect. They need permission for that too.
Now about their Dad, they are going to love their Dad too. Give them permission (standing on the outside) to love their Dad. Try your best not to intervene. Children are much smarter than we give them credit for. My children know which parent to go to to get their needs met. If Mom can't do it, Dad usually does and vice versa. That's not necessarily a bad thing. Allow your children the dignity to make their own mistakes especially now while they are little. I tried to save my children from every unjustice. The little mistakes are the best learners. Once they reach teenage years and pull away, it's a lot tougher and the mistakes get bigger too with worse consequences.
Regarding the juice incident (tee hee), I don't see anything wrong with explaining sternly to your child about rights and wrongs. However, just a suggestion . . . perhaps don't give them juice in the car.
Remember the definition of insanity "doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results." Try different tactics if the ones you are using don't work.
And most of all, take a moment to pat yourself on the back. You are there for them. You love them. You are doing all you can. Stop and reward yourself.
Keep coming too, yours in recovery, Maria"123"
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
