The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have not heard from him in over 24 hours. He was supposed to call last night. How do you get through a day without crying and feeling helpless and depressed? For all I know he's dead. When he does call and tells me he's fine, how do I not get mad at him for not calling? I want him to know how much pain he is causing me. I want the power to not pick up the phone when he does call, to show him what it's like. Most of all, though, I want to hear his voice. I thought I was making progress through Al-Anon, but on days like this, I'm my old depressed, angry self again.
I can't tell you what to do to get through this but I can tell you what I finally did for me when this would happen.
I had to finally accept the fact that my A son was a grown man. He is perfectly capable of taking care of himself, does he do that, not always. In most cases when I finally did hear from him he would say he was fine but I knew the reason he didn't call was that he was ashamed of what he had been doing. I can tell by the sound of his voice whether he is ok or not.
When I was finally able to let go of him and let god take care of him is when I found relief for myself. Yes I still worry but I don't get as down and depressed as I used to. Tomorrow is another day and the sun will come up again and my higher power will give me another day to work on me regardless of what my A son is doing or not doing.
My 18 yo grandson hasn't been heard from since April. We have no idea where he is at, if he is ok or even where to look for him. The first few weeks were pure panic but we finally settled down and accepted the fact that he didn't want to be found. Just another case of letting go.
((((HUGS))))
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I know the worries when the addict disappears, my husband use to disappear for 3 days at a time........I use to look for him, call everywhere, u name it I did it.....Then one day I realized he doesn't want to be found.....he is using and doesn't give a shit about anyting but his addiction.........
That was a wake up for me......
Try and relax.....just take a deep breath....come in the chat room.....take the focus off of him and put it on you....
I'm sure he is just fine somewhere doing his thing.....his drugs are all that matter when in active addiction.....
I may write a letter to him full of how I feel, and I don't give it to him. I do it just to let out the anger. And I also ask myslef what control do I have in this moment.
And most important, I pray to my HP!
Anything to focus on me and take the focus on him.
Sometimes I am better at it than others. But it works for me.
Hopefully you can find something that will work for you.
Keep coming back!
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
This was a good post for me to read .. I had a bad day this week after the first vacation without my husband ( my a ) ... i posted, and chatted just like they recommended that you do.. I was told to focus on ME and the kids and i did that too.. Then they said PRAY.. and i did i went to bed and awoke feeling much better.. Thankfully, I survived, one minute at a time.. !! I know how you feel i get so angry at myself for not letting go when I know that i have to and need to .. Frusterated with myself....asking how i can be so silly I was crying while i am sure he was having a good ole time.. !!!
I dont really have an answer for you just that you should hold on to those who love and care for you !!! Pray a lot and just take it one minute at a time. !!
We are all in thiss together, taking it one minute at a time..
My A use to tell me he was going for a drive and he was sober. Now I had no reason not to believe him because at that time he was sober. When he said that the next time, he had relapsed. I knew, but he didn't know that I knew he had relapsed. It can be frightening.
Letting Go and Letting God, Detachment, Serenity Prayer and turning him over to his HP are all the tools I pulled out of the Alanon tool box. He's going to do what he's going to do. I can't change that. But I can change how I react to the situation.
This morning I will be practicing those skills as this is the first time I haven't been with him since he came out of the hospital. Does it scare me a bit? Yes. More so because of the seizures and his cognitive abilities. But he's going to his home group and I can't go. He's also in the safest place possible, with his AA group.
I also have to go back to work on Tuesday, and I can't be with him 24/7. Frankly this morning I need a break. I have loved our time together this past week. I've loved going to the open AA meetings with him. It has made us a closer. But I need to attend my own meeting. I need to refocus on me for the morning. I have to trust my HP and his to look after us. I know that when he comes through that door in a few hours, he will be sober.
Now what did I do when he was off on those "rides"? I did what Dolphin said. I also read, did puzzles, took a long bath, anything to take the focus off of him, and refocus on me. I hate to say this because it sounds cold, but at some point when your A does enough of them, you get use to them. You won't feel this way. It doesn't mean that you don't love your A, but it becomes easier to handle. Hang in there. I hope he's okay.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong,
Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I have been coming here for about a month and it is really helping. I have a 20 year old daugther who "disappeared" for a few days many times since age 15 or so. She would always come back and be fine, looked well rested, with little explaination to me. She would go to school/work function and do just fine after these episodes. I was a basket case doing all I could during these times--especially when she was a minor. I just tried to focus on other things. It is not easy. She does not live at home any more but still does the disappearing act where she won't return phone calls or e-mails for days. I am trying to let go and let god handle her because nothing I have done really works. I think she got a good basic foundation from me but she chooses this wild life on occastion and there is not a lot I can do about it except pray and focus on myself. Mimi
