The material presented
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Last night all h*ll broke loose. We are going to a lake house for the weekend. Since my AW and ASon and his fiance don't work on fridays they decided they wanted to leave yesterday. Well... I have to work today and the fiance got off at 9:00 last night. So they were going to leave last night and basically go to bed.
My AW asked if I would drive up there with them and then drive in to work this morning from there. I thought that was a little silly, that I would meet them this evening. She got really upset about it, and since this weeks F2F we talked a lot about How important is it I thought to myself.... I don't mind driving, it relaxes me, so fine I will go.
I told her that would be fine, I can do that.
That made her more angry, yelling and screaming in front of the kids. Kids upset and crying saying she is being unreasonable, older one saying every time we go somewhere its drama and he doesn't even want to go now.
Since I was calm through this whole thing and not getting into it with every comment, I was able to sit down with my oldest and convince him that arguments happen, tomorrow is another day and to go on up. Mom and I will join them after I get off work.
Then the 11 year old and I jumped in the pool to help him settle down, got chased around by june bugs because of the lights in the darkness. He got better.
You know... 4 months ago (heck 4 weeks ago) I would have been an absolute wreck today. Every person here has a part in my being able to cope with this without going crazy. From those who are in there most despirate state, to those beloved ones who are 20 year veterans of the program.
Today I feel sorry for the torment she goes through, the pain she feels as she unsuccessfully trys to control everyone around her, and sad for the looks on my kids faces. But I left her a note this morning that "today is a new day, and I love you". That wasn't BS, I am able to feel that way for today.
Of course she was asleep when I left at 8am, now at 9am she calls angry that I can't leave at noon... <sigh> But... that's ok. Her consequence for having a fit last night is that she will have to now wait til I get off to have fun. That's the best I can do.
Thank you for the gift of being here and making the program work.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I remember your first few posts. In reality you have yourself to thank. You reached out for help and that is the hardest part. I think your family is very lucky to have such a loving husband and father. A man who will do whatever it takes to sustain his marriage and family. Before meeting you I had wondered if such men existed anywhere but TV movies and fictional novels.
Have a glorious weekend and a wonderful father's day!
I think one of the hardest things to overcome is not allowing the A's reactions and actions control us. I still struggle constantly with allowing my A's bad mood control my mood. I think you did an excellent job of understanding that nothing you could have said or done would have made her happy, so just stick to your plan and what you need to do. If she doesn't want to follow your plan so could make arrangements to find another alternative. If she chooses not to that's not your fault. I can see how you understanding what went on in that conversation last night helped you de-escalate the situation for your son. That's awesome. I feel I've gotten better with that as well and trying to difuse the A's frustration not for him but for the kids perception. I get us busy with coloring or go for a walk or take them out somewhere. Anything to get them out of his hair so he can stew by himself and be miserable by himself without infecting everyone around him.
Today is one of those prime examples. I have my own thoughts and feelings I express them. He sees my expression as being argumentative. He would rather me just agree with his thoughts and opinions and forget about expressing my own. He wants me to accept his opinions but cannot do the same for me. I think this is part of the disease as well. I hope you have a good weekend with AW and kids regardless of her mood.
Blessings,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I hope y'all have a great weekend. Snaps for how you handled last night and this morning. I am trying really hard not to allow my AH draw me into debates either. I say a few words calmly like "We've already been through this." and walk away. A little later he is calmer and things simmer back down.
rtexas, your posts, as time goes on, reflect more and more of your new-found confidence and serenity that was missing in the beginning. You're getting better and better. Good for you! Keep up the great work.
With great caring, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
You are doing great, rtexas. Isn't progress amazing....one day we find we are s-l-o-w-l-y getting it.
Last night, my AH got into a screaming fit at his 25 year old son who lives in Michigan (we live in Ohio), about some issues that are his son's problems, not ours. He cussed the boy out, and screamed so loud the neighbors were looking over. It was really obscene what he said. Hung up on son. Came in house, I was doing dishes, and he started in yelling at me. Calling me names. Cussing me out. Saying he wants a divorce. That I could go ahead and call the cops, something bad was gonna happen, etc. blah, blah, blah. I calmly finished the dishes. Dryed my hands, picked up my purse and keys, and walked away, with him still yelling out the door. (our poor neighbors!)
I drove away, called his son back, since I was the one who called him in the first place and was talking with him when hub wanted to talk. I didn't know he was gonna go off like that. Step son and I talked a little, and I talked to my grandbaby. About an hour later, I drove back home, hub was hiding behind the hot tub, had both door locks and dead bolts locked. ???? I have a key! I didn't know he was out back hiding behind the hottub, but I walked out there to look at the garden, and there he was, smirking. I just calmly turned around and came in the house and went to bed. Sometime during the night, he came to bed, which he usually sleeps on the couch when he's mad.
This morning before I left, I wrote him a note that I knew he was upset, but it is not his problem, it is his son's, and that I loved him, but I would no longer tolerate him speaking to me hatefully. And yelling that way at his son is not going to make things any better.
Told him I loved him and have a good day. I got home today, he has ripped my note into shreds, and left me a note that says "like you really know how to treat a person I still owe you" Whatever that means.
Anyway, I never would have been this calm, I would have cried, over reacted, threatened, took nerve pills, acted crazy. I have my dignity back! And I did all of this without throwing up, driving crazy, etc. I just moved very calmly, and I felt calm, actually. It was weird. I still feel calm!
Thank God for Alanon. It has saved my life.
Love in Recovery, and keep up the good work, rtexas!
"It" is as only important as we give 'it' the control or merit to it.
IMHO, driving 4 times would have been silly & it would have meant more for all of you to go up as a family, leaving the older son/fiance a chance to have a night alone too.
Sounds like you handled it all wonderfully, sometimes staying calm while others freak out is pretty easy ~ at least it was for me when I was with my exhusband/addict b/c he would freak out so extremely, I actually would stand there & start LOL sometimes at him... which often led him to overract & be more out of control. I didn't always have the upper hand, there are days I can be just as reactive...
nontheless, I'm proud of you for keeping your cool & doing the logical thing.
When my ex & I would take trips, a "fight" & drama always occured, from the very first vacation we took, while trecking down to the shore about a 3-4 hr drive & some quiet time in which I was reflecting, I came out & asked him, "Did your parents always pitch a fit & cause a fight when you were a little boy & the family took a trip?" the response was "Yes."
Once I knew that, I never allowed him to ruffle my feathers when we went on trips, which we did often & he always tried to start a big fight... that was a time I knew exactly what was coming & managed not to feed into any of it, just stayed really cool
I lost it a lot the rest of the year! (hahaa)
Hope you have a great weekend for Father's Day & enjoy it.
Love, -K
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
for how you handled last night and this morning. I am trying really hard not to allow my AH draw me into debates either. I say a few words calmly like "We've already been through this." and walk away. A little later he is calmer and things simmer back down.
