If I write this out, the whole story it could be a book, so I won't lay out all of the details but those of you that have children that are suffering with an addiction can probably fill in the blanks.

My son is 37, married twice, divorced twice and four children that he isnt supporting.  Things had been getting progressively more obvious over the years that he had a big problem but the mom in me just did not know what to do.  I wanted so desperately to trust him and consequently put our financial well being at risk so many times I lost count.

Last year on Memorial Day we came home to find our house had been robbed.  Whoever it was had used a key to enter the back door, and left through the front door locking it behind them.  There was only one person that had a key to our house and that was our son.  He was arrested that night for possession and of course had the gaul to give our phone number to the bondsman.  When they called and asked if I would bail him out I told them "That so and so robbed my house and as far as I am concerned he can sit right where he is at until his lilly white arse rots."  That's the clean version.    He was released the following morning. 

He then decided he needed to go to Arkansas for rehab.  I knew that he wasn't serious about it he just wanted to get out of Missouri to avoid being arrested on the robbery.  Needless to say he was kicked out of rehab within a week for using again.  So now he finds himself on the streets of North Little Rock Ar, headed to a homeless shelter. 

That is when I told my hubby that I didn't know what he was going to do but I was going to Alanon because I had to save me and he could come if he wanted.  I thank the lord every day that I made that decision, I honestly think it is the only thing that saved my sanity. 

He lived on the streets for the next few months and called us in August.  He was trying to get back into rehab and they were telling him they didn't have room for him.  It was very hot, he had been beaten up twice, most of his things stolen, no place to sleep, no food or money to get food and all he had was the slab of cement he was standing on.  Every part of me wanted so desperately to tell him we would come get him but I could hear the members of my alanon group telling me DON'T DO IT.  I handed the phone to hubby and went to my bedroom and prayed.  While I was praying hubby came in and said that they had come out and told him that if he really wanted in, they could get him in that day. 

We were so happy, relieved, and excited.  It was progress and we hadn't seen much of that before.  Shortly after that I received an email from my son thanking me for letting him fall.  I can still remember the relief and high hopes I had that day.

When it was time for him to be released from rehab he asked if he could come home.  I had to tell him NO.  Now that was a tough one, telling your child that they cannot come home.  I couldn't handle the stress, he is a slob and he had to continue his recovery on his own.

He went to a halfway house, got a job, his own apartment and all seemed well.  He still didn't have a vehicle but was walking back and forth to work.  For him that was amazing because in the past he would have considered it an insult to have to walk somewhere.  He soon got a new girlfriend (he is 37 and she is 20)  He looked like he was hanging out with his daughter.  Not a pretty sight on Christmas morning.  He soon landed a job in KC, paying good money. 

Now comes my stupidity.  We advanced him moving money that was supposed to be paid back the following week.  I still have yet to see a penny of that.  We were so anxious to see him improve and get out of town that we also cosigned for their apartment.  I still can't believe I did that one.

The first of May we get a call from the girlfriend telling us that he is in jail.  He had started drinking again and had become violent with her.  He darned near killed her so she called the police.  I cannot believe I am talking about my son.  He is the type of man that would ream another man a new one if he treated a woman like he had just treated his girlfriend. 

So we are back on the rollercoaster.  Would you believe the girlfriend bailed him out of jail?  YEP she did.

My sponsor loaned me a tape of a speaker at a conference.  The lady was telling the story of how she spent years and tons of money rescuing her children.  She said she had heard many AA speakers at conventions talk and tell their stories and she has yet to hear one get up and say "I was rescued by my momma".  That is when I turned loose, I let go and let God take over.  I knew that everything I had been doing was getting me nor him anywhere and it was past time for me to start really working on me. 

I have been in Alanon for a year now and missing a meeting is as bad for me as missing church, same guilty lost feeling if I miss.  When we went to our first meeting I told DH, I know I cannot save my son but if I can help just one mom through her nightmare I will have succeded. 

This afternoon we are meeting with the minister of our church and the counselor about starting a recovery group at church.  I am so excited for the first time in I don't know how long that I may actually be able to make a difference in someone else's life.  At the same time I will grow by leaps and bounds.

That is the short version of my story, thanks for letting me share.