I can't believe this is happening...HELP PLEASE - Al-Anon Family Group

Little Lisa · Member

I can't believe this is happening...HELP PLEASE

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))),

First of all you are not alone. Welcome to the family. We do not give advice here, as we do not live your life. But we can offer great strength, hope, experience and humor (good for the heart).

I am so sorry about your son. I know it must be heartbreaking to see him do this. I have found that begging someone to stop (especially an addict) does no good. They have to want enough to recover. I hope and pray that your son does not go down the same path as his grandmother and father. I don't have children so I can't tell you what it's like. I hope this was just an incident in which he was experimenting with alcohol and nothing more. I would check to see if there are any local Alateen meetings in the area. Remember he has issues too because of his father.

I do believe that recovery is possible for both you and your son. Do what is best for you and your family. As hard as this journey is, the recovery is so worth it.

Live strong,

Karilynn

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

I really don't know what to tell you except for to share some of my experience when my sons were that age.

First of all...good for you for taking him back for an interview with the police. He will probably give you a fit about that. If he won't go then maybe you could call the police again and tell them what you know anyway.

I really wish I could have practiced "tough love" with my boys back then. They are now 30 & 35. Older one is the A. Not sure about the younger one yet. I wish I would have followed through on things I told them I was going to do for them to face consequences. Unfortunately...I was too easy and mostly a rescuer. I thought it was more important to keep them happy. BIG MISTAKE!!!!!!!!!

I hope you can follow through on your decision. Do not worry if your son does not go to the police. Give him to his HP and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and to feel like you have set some boundaries for him.

I wish I had it to do over again and knew the things I know now.

I hope you can get through this without falling into a depression. I will pray for you.

YFIR...Gail

rosie light shines · ~*Service Worker*~

hey lisa, WOW, thats a lot on ANY ones plate

i have rampant drug/ alcohol abuse in my family and i had to DETACH....just DETACH and owrk the 12 steps, meetings, literature, and do all the program suggested or i would go nuts.....

do ya have a sponser u can lay this on???? what i did was get all the books/ workbooks on the steps and i latched on to a co-sponser and we work it....support each other....

support is vital to getting past this.....so post here and get to the meetings, is all i can suggest

again, u r not alone, we are here.....hope u can find a good sponser soon, cuz there is nothing like a real human being IN SKIN to share with......OR at least someone u can tak with on phone.....hugs, rosie

Dolphin123 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Lisa))),

There is a saying that I once heard, "I know HP won't give me more than I can handle; I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

You are not alone. There are many people here who have dealt with similar situations as you are facing now. I am not one of them. My oldest is 7. But my children's father is my "A" and I since they all share the family disease of alcoholism, I may have more than one "A" in my future.

Keep coming back. Keep working the program. You have a safe place to vent here.

Little Lisa · Member

Gail,

I did the same with my oldest son. I tried to be his friend, didn't want to cause him more grief...I was so concerned about his depression and suicidal tendencies I was always worried about coming down too hard on him...look where that got me!

I am a rescuer too...I want so badly to be a good mom and teach them everything I wasn't taught about alcohol and addiction.

UGHHH

I will be taking my son in 30 minutes to the police station-I've spoken with the police officer and make an appt to come in. I hope he is hard in him!

Son thinks his life is over. Maybe that's a good thing!

Thank you SO much for your response-it helps immensely!

Lisa

Little Lisa · Member

I don't have a sponsor...How do I get one? That would be a wonderful support.

Thanks-Lisa

rosie light shines · ~*Service Worker*~

lisa to "surf for sponser" i looked at my f2f and didnt' find ANYone , but on line i found a gal who lives not too far from me and i just watched the posts, saw who resonated with me and i hit her up...it was funny.......she was getting ready to hit ME up for co-sponsership, so that is where we are....

i just looked at u was saying what, how they weer working the program, were they in the steps heavy and just doing the program.........thats what i did.....rosie

mel123 · Senior Member

Hi Lisa,

I too have a 20 year old son who has struggled with addiction. He currently is in a Teen Challenge program. Thorough our experience, "tough love" is the only way to go. Giving consequences and sticking to our boundaries was necessary, but hard. I do believe though, it finally got him where he is now. And he is in an awesome program, been there now for nearly 3 months. We have 2 younger kids at home and we also have done lots of talking about the evils of this disease. Plus they have seen first-hand what it has done to our family and their brother. They have been affected by this disease too. Alanon has been a great place to get support, but most of all my faith has seen me through some of the darkest times. Without God, I couldn't have gotten through this. I will be praying for you and your family!

Blessings,

mel

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

My Dear Lisa,

Welcome to mip, it truely is miracles in progress, I totally understand the hopeless feeling of having a loved on be an alcoholic...It is a family disease......it affects each and everyone of us

So sorry about your son, and he is such a young age.....

Try to focus on your own sainity, if you can...please keep coming ....join the meetings....they will help you.

Best Wishes,
Andrea

isabela40 · Senior Member

Lisa,

Parenting is NOT a personality contest...

We are not out trying to get our kids to think we are "cool" but to be RESPONSIBLE and caring parents.

It isn't always easy...

I know. I had responsible and caring parents and I am thankful for that everyday of my life. My parents were "grown-ups" in that they put aside their own personal issues and problems and concentrated on being good role models. They were respectable people, no addictions, no philandering, and no legal troubles. They showed me what it was like to be a law abiding citizen, and a good honest christian.

I have tried to live up to their fine example and I tell you it has been a tough act to follow. But I have to say that my efforts have paid off.

Part of what I did for my daughter was what my parents did for me. They let it be known in the community that they cared deeply for their children and anyone leading them astray in anyway would answer to THEM and the authorities should it involve illegal activities.

I did that for my daughter also and it served as a great protection for her. She is now grown but she told me that in her young teen years that when "friends" suggested any wrong activities she was quick to tell them that SHE would not get away with it...and I would likely go after them as well. They had trouble believing her, I am not a very "scary" person, LOL, but once they tried a few little things and saw how serious I was, they found an easeir target to corrupt. I have called the police, their parents, and pressed charges against at least three young people who have tried to cause trouble for my daughter.

You did the RIGHT THING to let it be known that anyone selling alcohol to your underage son would be held accountable. I wish more parents would care enough to really look out for their children this way...the way they should.

As a teacher I always saw myself as an advocate for children, and I see far too many parents letting their children down and being so pre-occupied with their own addictions and problems, that they are not responsible parents for their children. These children are easy targets for those who want to exploit them, this is so sad.

My parents were never sorry for the tough stance that they took (and we all have a close relationship with them today) and I too have never been sorry for the stance that I took.

I applaud you for being a loving responsible parent and not blurring the lines between parent and "buddy" and looking the other way while an adult corrupts your child.

Yes, it is a tough job being a parent, but you will never be sorry for rising up to the challenge. You will be able to look your son in the eye when he is an adult and say you did the very best you could, and he will respect you for that.

In my view, part of recovery is reclaiming our position in our family's lives as responsible caring parents. Ok, so maybe our active A has dropped the ball...and out of discouragement, depression, and just being worn down, we too may drop the ball. But alanon can help us pick it back up...we need to do that for our chidlren especially. We have to be strong enough to make the tough choices that loving parents need to make sometimes to do what is best for their children.

In support,

Isabela

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Alanon meetings 1-888-425-2666

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

d53sjurne · Senior Member

Hi LittleLisa

I can sure feel your desperation. Jeeeeesssh!!! I have one child, a daughter.There was a time that I felt similar to what it seems you are going thru. My mom was A, my brother was A, neighbor who our side the house was attached in a duplex style where he broke in constantly and got most of it, was A, my X an ACOA brainchanged by marines bootcamp, and so on. When mine grew up IT was everywhere. I felt ennondated by A's. My family drank with her behind my back. To me they are a powerful influence on teenagers. Beings the A'ism affects the whole family, we were in a way, in my opinion predisposed to other problems, that kinda seems to feed right into it. I thought I was being stong in my convictions, yet found out I was really weak in myself. There weren't going to be any instant fixes or magic pills for the problem. It hadn't happened overnite and wasn't going to fix overnite. We don't all have the nicety of having such great parents to draw from like some others. We, or I believe I had to work with what I had and my own particular situation and family. The 12 steps didn't help me jump in and save my child from becoming an A. What I learned was it helped me save me. And it wasn't overnite. At first I was very disappointed that it didn't. Each individual I believe will have their own take on it and I can only share mine and seems you have a similar situation as mine was. At the time I too was depressed and desperate to try to save my child too. I also needed to save me. Had to try to work both at the same time. With so much family influence I feel I lost my child to A'ism. She started in teenage years and is now 31 with 2 kids with A dods that don't live with them. I can see it happening all over again. You might say this is discouraging, but please try to keep an open mind as each of us has our own story and path and experience to draw from. I am a much stronger person person now. I wish I had this when my child was younger. If I had'a stayed stronger in the program at the time something may have turned out different, who knows. You are in the right place to help YOU. And in helping you, you will be there in a better way for your children, I personally think. I suggest learning everything you can from the program. There aren't any authorities in the program, just others struggling to grow together and some in desperate situations as you are. Everyone trys to share their experience and you can take from it what helps you. Like with everything, we are at different levels of growth and experience and knowledge. No authorities to deal with here. I hope you stay around as I have. I have been plesed some and not some. Nowhere is perfect. Its a life long jurne.

With Love and Concern in Recovery, BLESSINGS, PEACE, HOPE, FAITH,COURAGE

-- Edited by d53sjurne at 00:03, 2006-06-16

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.