The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For the last few days I have really struggled with my AW mental frame of mind. It just crushes me to the core to see her so distraught. She says "I" am making her physically ill and she just can't take it anymore. She wants to seperate.
Now with the help of many of you and my f2f friends I can see that even when I am very harshly evaluating my recient actions and words that I really haven't done anything to cause this anxiety in her. Except participate in Al-Anon I guess <sigh> I can see that her physical symptoms could be real because she looks terrible.
She asked me tonight if I wanted to stay here or move to an apartment. She knows my feelings on this already. The house is expensive and in my name. I will stay here.
My issue is that I am going to tell her that our 11 year old can't stay with her because of her daily binging. She drinks herself to sleep every day, and for me it's a safety issue if nothing else. This will be a supprise to her and him (and pretty much everyone.)
She has never had a dwi or any other indication that she would be dangerous if left unattended with him, but she has never really had the oportunity. I have always driven everywhere in the evenings. But I just simply am not willing to trust that nothing will happen.
I wish things were different. The boys love her as do I. But this is getting worse by the day.
If you have any grand words of wisdom... I am all ears.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I have no words of wisdom. Actually my brain is coming up with nothing.
You have your reasons for wanting son to stay with you and as the sober one, this sounds like the right choice for your son. Hopefully he will be able to understand your concerns and see the love in the decission you have made.
Maybe just maybe once she has no one but herself, your wife will have to look at herself and see what he choices have brought her. No one knows what the bottom will be. That is between the HP and the person.
As you are getting healthier it may be harder for her to place the blame on you. And she may be having a hard time seeing past her denial. Or she may even actually be seeing the positive changes in you and it might scare her.
Just keep working on you. Take care of youself.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I am so sorry it has come to this. Now you said your eleven year old, then later you said both sons love her. So where is the other one going?
The one thing I think is vital is to never put her down to the kids. Then need to know she is very sick, and they need to know they did absolutely nothing to cause this.
I don't care what they tell you, most all kids think they did something wrong and caused it.
Of course you are not the reason for her anxiety. Please don't give it another thought. They love to blame us for everything, including rain, mud and being out of gas in their own car....
It is good for her for you to take the boys and her go on. Remember the more miserable she is, the better. Hope she get so sick and miserable she will do anything to quit.
RX as we start to change and get our lives back thiers fall s apart , detachmentI am told A's do not like or understand so the happier u get the more miserable she gets. Am glad u know that your doing nothing to cause her problem ,as i recal she threatened you with this last month too stop comming to al anon or she was leaving , maybe this time she means it , only she knows but yur right about the boys they cannot leave with her but don't be suprised if they do often our kids stay with the A because they know they need to be looked after. Our kids are just little us's , born fixers. Just keep doing what your doing and keep commin back . Louise
i agree with ur feelings here....WHAT if the place caught fire??? what if another emergency happend and u r not home???? all things to consider...
i am not with my A anymore, i left him, cuz i couoldn't take the bs anymore and he was GOOD to me...i mean i LOVED him, but i wanted recovery---he did not---end of story...
it was either live my life in a rut, always anxiety, or get out
i am not advocating leaving/staying for U, that is UR decision, all i can say is that i can relate to ur post and went thorugh the same thing, and i left....
unless they drag their butts into recovery and WORK it for all its worth??? nothing changes unless things change....that is the truth...all the broken promises i heard, the remourse the bs, good intentions....fact is , RECOVERY....12STEPS....MEETINGS and then, a YEAR minimum recovery B4 i would hold out any "cautious hope" that things will ever get better....
i wonder lots of times where my Ex is, how he is doing......he when i dumped him, dated this gal for 8 weekends and married her....i guess she was content to let him drink....i was so sad, but i detached........i still wish him the best and hope he is ok, but i don't want ANYone around me who is gonna drag me down........
u take care and know that we care.............rosie
I know how much you have struggled with this. You said it yourself you are not the cause of her anxiety and depression. I think you are making the choice you feel is the safest for your child and you right now. I'll pray that she will find HP on her own and come to terms with her addiction. You will be in my prayers for strength and courage to face this with a calm resolve. You have us here and your F2F meetings. Your growth has been amazing and I hope your son will come to see that your choice of keeping him is one of love and safety. ODAT, if this is what she wants no reason to fight or argue because it will just upset you more. HP will take care of the rest. Keep your chin up.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm sorry things are getting worse rather than better. It sounds like your AW really needs to hit bottom sometime and maybe this is the start of that process. In your place, I would protect my child too -- an A cannot be trusted no matter what their past track record has been, (no DWI's, etc.). My AW has never been in any kind of trouble either, but that does not mean that I trust her when she is drinking - anything can happen. I sincerely hope that this will all work out for the best for you and your son regardless of which way it goes. And YOU
It took my oldest going into a psych inpatient and my middle going outpatient pysch for me to finally keep my foot down.
It ended up w/ my wife checking into a rehab and seeing that the outpatient work she was previously attending was counter productive to her recovery.
That's not to say it's great now, living in and with recovery and dry drunk and Alanon slips sucks. But it's the only path for us right now to growth in my house.
What worked for me was pray and ask for guidance. I kept doing the next right thing and when it appeared I might hit a road block, I accepted what I believe was my HPs will. Before every major decision or discussion w/ someone, I asked my HP to help guide my words and actions so that thine will be my will.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
