You can't control either one of them, only your own actions.  You stayed dettached and did not snoop! You stayed in your program  Have you suggested Alanon to his mother?

Josey

This is really what made me look for a place like this. I think I have been dealing with the rehab/halfway situation really well. Better than when he was having drug binges, however this relapse has left me so confused as what to do. I don't know if I should try to deal with it as a mistake and move on or dwell on it because he needs to understand what a big deal it is. I don't want to make him feel worse but at the same time I don't want him to think that it is okay to do that and that I am not bothered by it.

HI and welcome.

Being a mom who raised a boy who I stuck in survival backpacking rehab, for using and being an out of control teen, well what teen isn't but....

Anyway if mom had a boundary of no drugs in the house, no staying here if you use, yes she had a right. I was just thinking, it is her house, he has apparently abused his being there before.

I would never look for drugs or anything from my husband A. That is his problem. His rehab is his responsibility. I have no control over it, do not "counsel" him, it is not my job. i don't "deal" with it at all. In alanon we learn the three C's. We did not cause it, we cannot control it, we cannot cure it.

It is not my responsibility to tell him it is wrong, or he is bad, or decide if it is a mistake.

There is no analyzing aism. As far as him thinking it is ok, that is up to him. There is nothing we can say to influence that.

The best thing we can do is learn from the start to let go. If we don't, it will bring us down too.

A good book is,"Getting Them Sober." I learned more from it than anything else I read.

What we can say is, what is and what is not ok for us.

I remember being your age and my husband then, cute curly haired southern boy, would come home baked on pot. I would say you been smoking pot? I was mad becuz he did not have the whatever to tell me the truth. I did not care what he did so much, I just did not want him to lie.

My A husband now does not lie to me. Becuz of alanon He knows I don't judge him or really care one way or the other, why bother I cannot control it. He knows more about it than I do.

The only thing that bothers me is his health. But again I cannot control that. So I changed me, I accept him as is,and I choose not to be around it.

I hope  you keep coming.  love,debilyn

"Anyway, I was wondering what everyone thinks about this and if they think what his mother did was wrong."

"Also I have no clue how to deal with this situation. This is really what made me look for a place like this." -Vega

As Al-Anon members we do not give each other advice... only share our experience, strength & hope (ESH) as to how what has & what has not worked for us individually.

No one will (or should as it goes against our Principles as a group) tell you what is "right" for you nor will anyone judge you. Saying whether it's "right/wrong" is a judgement call that you have to determine for yourself.  Does it fit within your personal boundaries or not is only a ? you can answer. So it falls on what you are willing to tolerate or not.

Personally, I cannot tolerate lying & I would not want to be with an active A intimately.  Hypothetically, if I were involved with an A that is in rehab & has already "slipped" ~ would I tell the treatment center ~ not sure, I might.  I might talk to the A first but being master manipulators, I don't know if I would ever trust an honest answer from an Alcoholic/Addict again.  Of course, it is their problem to deal with but if you are involved too or have children to protect - hard to say unless you are there in those same shoes.

I don't have any kids...  even if it was a b/f, would I snoop? Honestly I might b/c I've been lied to by addicts in the passed. At 20, it never crossed my mind to snoop in my addict's (at that time) car or anywhere else but that was one of many places I could have found evidence.

I feel that if you think about your personal boundaries ~ what you can or cannot tolerate for your own sanity, you won't be so confused about it anymore.  It is a very difficult situation & as members, all we do is is lovingly give you ideas to stomach... concrete answers have to come from your own innate intelligence for yourself & the help and guidance of your Higher Power.

Not sure if any of what I said helps a hill of beans but it is my brutal honesty & that isn't always easy to share either. 

What I have learned from this disease & loving A's (& not enabling them) is that we have a great capacity for love & compassion, deserve to be treated with respect and value and that it has to start within us.  I've also learned that as human, looking deep & fearlessly into our psyche's, we aren't that different from each other. We all experience the same sorts of emotions and in as we age, getting wiser, feelings don't get any easier to express.  It takes a lot of courage to do what we feel is right according to our own barometers & sharing and exposing ourselves making us vulnerable. 

I have heard in AA/NA meetings that if you "confront an A you will be lucky to get 1/3 or 1/4 of the truth."

I think of A's like scared little hysterical rabbits, irrationally protecting by running in circles.   I think we are often like dogs...  when we are kicked, beaten & down we occassionally bite back too.

It is said 'Nothing worth having is easy.'

-A Friend in Recovery, -Kitty of Light

((( Vega )))

I am guessing what I said prompted you to apologize ~ my 4th grade math teacher said, "the only dumb question is the one not asked" and it stuck with me & gave me the courage to not feel embarrassed asking anything, ever. 

I certainly hope I didn't offend you in any way (or anyone else for that matter) I was offering my opinion, which is all any of us can do from our subjective perceptions.

Also I wrote more to you in a PM (private message) you'll see it at the top of the Board.

Love, -K