The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
JADE is from the list of acronyms Betty gave me. I working through the list with an alanon friend. This was today's acronym. I can't say I agree with all of them or all of it. I rarely justify or argue. But I will defend and explain myself in certain situations, and especially with an open minded person. I have no desire to verbally fight with anyone--that's a waste of my time and energy. But with friends and family who care about me and my opinions, I think it's fine to explain myself. I wonder where Betty got this list, and how long ago it was written. Unfortunately, I'll never know. :( That makes me sad, that Betty's gone, but her ideas and sharing continue to be part of my program. And that's wonderful. :)
Hi Lyne. Thank you so much for your continued service. I just finished praying for Divine help and your post is the solution I needed. I have been fighting with my hubby for weeks and I am exhausted . I am a slow learner. No matter what evidence/facts you provide , he finds ways to turn things around or manipulates facts to make me the bad guy. Anyways, I hope you are well and truly appreciate your shares.
I'm new to Al-Anon, and this really resonated with me. I've noticed that I often feel the need to explain or defend myself in difficult family situations, especially when I feel misunderstood. I've also learned that trying to explain my perspective doesn't always lead to a better outcome. Sometimes it just leaves me feeling emotionally drained.
I'm currently in a demanding physical therapist assistant program, and balancing school with a difficult home environment has been challenging. There are days when I come home mentally exhausted, only to feel like I'm being criticized or that I have to justify even the smallest decisions. I've noticed that the tension can actually be worse on days when my family member isn't drinking, which creates a sense of unpredictability that's difficult to navigate.
What I struggle with most is maintaining my own sense of peace when I'm already running on empty. I know I can't control someone else's behavior, but knowing that and actually being able to detach emotionally are two very different things. Sometimes I feel like I spend so much energy managing the environment around me that there's very little left for my own mental well-being.
I'm beginning to understand that setting boundaries doesn't require someone else to agree with or understand them, but putting that into practice is still difficult.
For those who have worked on the JADE concept, how have you learned to stop feeling obligated to explain yourself, especially when you live with the person and can't always remove yourself from the situation?
Welcome PeaceOnMyTerms.
Something I've reflected on lately is the idea of freedom. When I came back into alanon on this forum over a decade ago, I was not in great shape. Over the years, I tried very hard to practice the things I was learning, like detaching with love. I found it easier in the short term to detach with anger.
Now I look back and I realise I did not really forgive my ex for having the disease of alcoholism. I made them the face of alcoholism and I got free eventually of the alcoholic, but in all honesty, I am still not free of the disease.
The wisdom given to me back then was to attend meetings, find a sponsor and work the steps.
I beleive when we are under pressure in the moment with the alcoholic inviting us to yet another argument,it is easy to forget what we know: that it is insanity to argue with insanity.
A former sponsor pointed out to me that I am not obliged to accept every invitation to argue. They would recite the serenity prayer in their head until calm returned. Another programme friend would firmly remind self to " not pick up the rope", an analogy for jump rope where two people are required to get that rope looping.
These are things I'm returning to because although I'm no longer living with active addiction, I am still affected. I know when my program is strong, my recovery is strong and this opens the door to life's little miracles. I miss that.
As ever, take what serves and leave the rest.
Thanks all for the thoughtful topic.
Welcome PeaceOMT! Ive been in alanon for over 15 years. Learning to detach took me quite a while to accomplish. Im not always able to do it, but much more of the time I use slogans like Think and Pause. Staying in recovery with alanon will help you learn to focus on yourself. That also takes much practice. But it works if you trykeep coming back, Lyne
Al-Anon saved my sanity when I was in an insane situation, I have now separated from my ex-partner. Her continued drinking was making everyone in the family sick, I was insane and deeply sick spiritually, certainly mentally and emotionally.
Working the program has helped me restore my sanity, I have no advice to offer except to get to meetings, there are plenty online, read the CAL (conference approved literature - I find Courage to Change and A Little Time For Myself amazing).
For me, I detached quite early on, it was a self-defence mechanism and I went 'grey rock' in the relationship whilst trying to work out my life and future.
I also found the 3 C's (I didn't Cause it, I can't Control It and I can't Cure it) made sense to me, for too long I was trying to 'fix' the situation and the Q in my life, when I needed to 'fix' myself first.
