Hi Roomies,

On the 29th and 30th of May I was out of town at a training. On the 30th during the closing of the training I was given a message to call my work. I called. My daycare had called there to try and track down a number to get ahold of my husband. My son had a really high fever and they needed him to be taken home. I was so furious at my "A", sacred, and so embarrassed. Well my "A" didn't get the messages until 4:30pm and got our kids and then he called me while my coworkers and I were driving home. He tried to tell me that this was all my fault because I didn't call him on the 29th so he couldn't tell me his plans. If I would have called then I would have been able to give the daycare a number to call him.

LOL, I so did not own that. I didn't allow him to give me that, it was not mine. My kids were already in bed by the time training was done, and I had the first girls night out since the beginning of this year. So I was not going to let him guilt trip me because I didn't call.

I hung up on him. I never do that. I hate it when he does it to me. But he was yelling nonsense at me. So I shut the phone. About 5 minutes later he calls me back. And he says how about this in 2 days I leave for Alaska, then he hung up on me.

Honest my first thought was "Thank God" then I got scared, not because he was leaving, but scared that he just said that to upset me. I wanted him to go. I was so looking forward to the peace of not having an active "A" around. I knew that it would help his self-esteem as he has not worked in almost a year and doesn't feel like a man because he isn't contributing. He was supposed to be working a recovery program. Court ordered probation and court ordered out-patient treatment.  So I would have been okay with his not working, if he was following through on that.

When I got home I was prepared for an argument. There was none. I had my co-workers to vent with and he had a buddy here to vent with. By the time I got home, he had calmed down. His buddy left. And we talked. He really did try to upset me with the job in Alaska. He was really confused that it didn't work

We have been having car problems for the last two months. We don't have the money to fix it. I make just enough to pay rent and the bills. No more. He didn't go looking for this job. That day he took his buddy over to the company and introduced him to the captain of the boat. They offered both of them a job. My "A" has worked for them before. He told them no, I was at a training and he couldn't make this huge decision without talking to me.

So when we talked, I asked him what if this is God's answer to the car problems, being offered a job you aren't even looking for doesn't happen everyday. We talked for a few hours, and in the past he hated going because of the pain it caused me. I told him, that the time apart would do "us" some good. So he went.

I took him to the boat on the 2nd of June and the boat left the port on the 5th.

And the whole reason I started this post, is that I am shocked at how much I miss him. Don't get me wrong the peace is nice, but wow I am so blown away at how I ache to be with my husband. And it pisses me off so much. I am an extremely passionate and loving woman. And I am in love with someone who can't love me the way I want to be loved.

God, that hurts so much. While I was growing up, I never wanted to get married, never. And the reason why is, I never though anyone could love me. I thought I was to unloveable, I though that I was to ugly to attract a man. So I told myself that I would never get married.

Well then I turned 19 and things changed, I realized that I was lying to myself about not wanting a relationship. The poor self image I have of me is what fueled that lie. I dated 3 other guys before I met my "A". And I feel for him the first time I met him.

Coming to terms about the choices I have made has totally stopped me from truly working my 4th step. I don't want to face my demons, open the doors to what I have been fighting for years to hide.

My pastor has been saying that if you are going through a difficult time you should rejoice, because you are growing.

Well, I guess I will start to rejoice. I have given myself the next 2 weeks to do my 4th step. If I need more time, I will give it. I actually just want it done before he comes home, but I know me if I give myself 6 weeks to do it, I'll wait 5 to start.

I have this time of peace that I wanted, so I better use it well.

If you read all of this, thank you.

If you read part of this, thank you. But if you only read part of this, you probably won't see the thank you.

Much Love,

PS. I think this is the longest post I have ever written.