The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My earlier post talked about lies I busted my AH telling me. I mentioned I wanted revenge so badly. I got some really nice responses that made a lot of sense. I know revenge isn't going to make any difference. Things would only get worse, but I can't stop thinking about him lying to me. It's consuming my mind all day today. I have been pretending for the last few days that it's no big deal, but it is. I'm been very nice to him and he probably thinks it's all died down. The big thing is that he sees nothing wrong with lying to me. He said he didn't do anything wrong (meaning he didn't cheat on me or something). I can't get it through his thick, alcohol-messed up head that it is wrong and he would be mad at me if it was the other way around.
How do I stop from obsessing? I'm already thinking of divorcing him, but I know I won't do it quite yet. I'm tired of him talking about our "wonderful" neighbors. He says the lady next door is a big drinker, like that's a good thing and that's what makes her wonderful. So in other words, I'm nothing but a nag and a bitch because I see no reason in drinking ALL the time.
I'm just so tired of living in his world. Any ideas on how to move on without him?
I was so tuned into what he (my AH)was doing, saying, thinking that I did not realize that I had become completely unreasonable. He will drink no matter what I say or do. The 3 C's helped me allot. I cannot Control or Cure the A. The big one for me was that I do not Cause the drinking. If I am a bitch or if I drink with him it will not matter. Keep the focus on you. The only thing you can control is yourself. I would get out my Courage to Change...there are two pages on obsession. It says if you know you are going to obsess about a topic. Don't pick it up. Ask for help from an Al-anon friend or your HP to drop the thought from your mind. Try breathing deeply, focus on your immediate surroundings. Practice this one minute or one thought at a time. Repeat your al-anon slogans like the serenity prayer.
Lindy - I am not sure about the whole obsessing thing but one thing you said touched me. It was about how your AH says the lady next door is a big drinker and that is good and makes her wonderful. Well, don't listen to that bull. My AH used to party w/his friends & their girlfriends. He would talk about how great they are and open minded. I used to get left behind all the time b/c I couldn't "hold my liquor" and couldn't party all day long w/out getting tired and sick and wanting to come home. As soon as I got over the disappointment I felt at being outcast b/c of my "non-drinking habits", I started feeling better about myself. I like who I am and I don't like who I tried to pretend to be just to fit into my AH's partying life style.
I don't know if that helps you in anyway but I felt that I should share it w/you.
"living with an A is so draining." - that my sweet, new friend is the understatement of the year!! -
Until I could learn to stop obsessing over the a's in my life (even those that were in recovery) my sponsor had me try to change my focus - obsess on more productive things - like clean my house, plant a garden, give myself a manicure, take a bubble bath, read a good book, wash my vehicle, take a walk in the park, on the beach, etc. Soon obsessive behaviors could relax and I could just enjoy life again
Try to take the focus off of them and their present and past behaviors, - I know it doesn't happen over night - It takes time to change, but try it for five minutes at a time, then maybe for ten - and before you know it, you will be able to get through hours at a time without even wondering what they are doing -
One Day At a Time -
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You do just that, is my experience. I thought of me, did for me, got my financial, home, vehicle everything so I did not depend on A for anything. I got OUT of his diseases world.
As far as revenge, my thought is how do you do that to a disease? I felt my A was kept hostage by the disease. Once, when I should have, I did not call the sheriff on him for bad abuse. I kept thinking if I have the disease taken away, it takes my husband with it.
About a week later I grew some more, and wished I had of.
I find the way I get away is by taking care of me in every way. It may be the disease lying to you, cheating on you, but I realize it hurts about the same as if it were him. I feel the longer I put up with the lies and abuse, the less likely he would ever get well.
No, ultimatums don't work. So I just got going on my life and grew away from him. I wish he could catch up, but I know he never will.
I cannot say get it together or I am gone. It is, "You know what you need to do." I am taking care of me.
I don't know if I said anything. All I know for sure is I learned I don't feel the same all the time. I vacillate back and forth a little so I don't make hard core decisions. I may think about it, but usually what happens is, that decision turns into a goal and it happens in it's own time.
I hope you find your serenity. For me, I don't want to live with an A. I choose not to. I will do everything I have to, not to.
debilyn - thanks for your post. I surely relate. I am growing away from my A...further every day. he's quit again now, but I no investment in whether he stays on the wagon or not. I mean, I will definitely show up if he calls for help but no matter what he does, I'm going forward.
Well I certainly was way way way way overinvolved with the A. I'd have to say I was way overinvolved with eveyrone but me. These days I try to keep the focus on me. I can't say that has been easy. It takes tremendous practice to do it. I think it takes discipline to keep it up. One cue I have that I am overinvolved with anything is to find myself resentful. I also have a number of goals and ideas about how to take care of me these days.
I still have resentments about many of the things the A did and still does. I try to work on focusing on me my life, my ideas, my needs. Of course I always wanted the A to focus on them and he never did and probably never will. I have to say that this group more than any other thing helped me a great deal. I also got a therapist about 4 months ago and that has helped a lot. I just see her once a week but it is a time for me. I have never discussed the A in therapy which is new for me. I only talk about me.
I hope you can keep coming back to this group and keep working on yourself and your needs.
