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Over the last two weeks, I discovered two rather big lies my AH told me. The first one involved when he was working out of town. He told me that he worked long hours (which is true) and that he usually went right to his friend's house, ate supper, watched TV and went to bed after work. I found out that he was meeting the friend's girlfriend at restaraunts or she was coming over to the friend's house while the friend was out of town. He said she would come over to clean the house. He says nothing happened, but I'm having a hard time believing it. He also said that he talked to her about a lot of things, including how he felt her boyfriend (his friend) was ripping him off. That implies some kind of closeness with her if he is able to talk to her like that. If it was me hanging out with some friend of mine's boyfriend, he would be seriously mad! I hate these double standards. I'm sure she doesn't mind his drinking so she can be fun to hang out with. Of course she doesn't mind his drinking because he is probably nice to her when he's drunk. He's only mean to those who he lives with.
Here's the other lie that slipped out over the weekend. My AH and I were camping with one of his friends on Saturday/Sunday. This is a big party event that happens every year with a hog roast, a bunch of bikers, bands, contests, etc. Anyway, it turns out my AH went to this big party two years ago (we were living together, but not married yet), but he told me he was on a fishing trip that was three hours away. Instead he was only fifteen minutes away, getting drunk and probably laughing about how he got away with going to this big party without me. NO wonder he didn't catch any fish and was able to get home so early on Sunday morning!
He got mad at me and said he didn't do anything wrong. I said lying to me is wrong, but he doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong with that. He has lied to me so many times and he's so good at it. Who knows what else he has lied about???
I know this is so wrong, but I am now planning revenge. I'm crying as I type this, but I want him to see what it feels like to be lied to. I want to plan an event, go out of town and tell him I'm doing something that I'm not doing. Then I want him to find out about it and see what it feels like. I want to hurt him over and over like he does to me. I'm so incredibly sick of this...
Your anger is definately understandable. But really think before acting on it. Would revenge really serve any positive purpose? Or would it just make things worse? How would you feel about YOU if you were to take those steps and lie to someone you love even after you have shown how much Honesty means to you?
I too have placed a very high importance on honesty. But, I need to be honest myself as well, don't I?
Sending you big hugs and hoping that you will turn to your HP on how to deal with your anger.
Much love,
Carrie
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Faith makes things possible; it does not make them easy.
INTAMACY is what he shared with the "friends" girlfriend....that is called "intimacy" when you can share with someone else, spend time, conversation, possibly - but not necessarily - physical touching...and to me that is JUST as bad if not WORSE than a one night stand. The time spent together is more hurtfull to me. What he did took effort with her.
My A was supposed to come to my place for dinner once. I made garlic chicken, baked potatoes, green beans, cheddar bay bisquits, 2 layer strawberry cake....he called me and said he was called into work (CSX railroad engineer, on call 24 hours a day). I was disappointed, I had just spent quite a bit of time not to menion money on this dinner, invited him and my sister in law to eat dinner, now he wasnt going to be there. He told me he would stop on his way out of town to see me. A half hour later he is at my door, kissing me, sayinghe loves me and he left.
My daugher called me an hour and a half later, telling me "I just passed "A" he was with some man in his car" I called his cell at least 11 times before he answered. He had lied to me so he could hang out with one of his 3 friends named Mike - all bums - we broke up for a few hours, he got rid of Mike and came over....
One Friday night he had to work. He asked me if I would come to his place and stay the night that he should be home at 2-3 and would love to come home to me in his bed all warm waiting for him (romantic! yeah right). Well the next morning I woke up at 8:20 realized he wasnt home. I called his cell, voice mail. Left a message saying I hope he was OK and please call me so I dont worry he is so late. He called back right away. He went to "Bacon's house" after work he got off work alot earlier than he had thought and they decided to go out and have some margarita's. I was furios, I asked WHY did you want me here then? He said that was MY choice, he didnt ask me to stay! BS...He came right home, it was an hour drive, we fought all day.
I booked a cabin for my daughters 17th birthday at Hocking Hills state park. The night before A was supposed to help me get things together and spend the night, take us to breakfast in the morning before we left. At 10:20 at night he still had not called me. I called him and he said that his friend Mike (not the same one mentioned above) was being initiated into the Eagles and since he had nominated him he could not leave...there were several there buying him drinks, blah blah blah. Well, I drove over to the Eagles. 2 other cars in the lot. I called him, he had Mike answer the phone and tell me he was in the bathroom...I said BS tell A I am in the parking lot right now. A got on the phone, he came out to let me in (key card entry club). There was my A, Mike and 2 old women in there. I asked him where all these people were that were "initiating" Mike and buying him drinks....he decided to come clean, he was so drunk. He did not even remember the evening when we left. He talked about cocaine, prostitutes, liberal crap all the way home. He had blacked out on Rum. The next night was the last time we ever had sex April 14th.
He told me big big big lies constantly and I always busted him...I was just to desperate for his love to wise up. He is an active A, therefore he is a liar....and it will never work out.
I hope you have better luck, if not, learn to love yourself and never get mixed up with this disease again.
This is really all part of the disease, the lies. Planning revenge won't make a difference hon, he will still do what alcoholics do.
When you hold on to stuff and keep rehashing it, it only affects you. It's one of the hardest things to overcome, those old habits. Some people never do learn how to let go. They spend years being angry and bitter about things that are long done with, adding more and more as they collect instances to fester over. It is a sickness, not only in mind, but spills over to the body eventually. The problem is, the person that you are carrying all this stuff around over could care less. They don't know that you are all fired up, thy go happily plodding through their day... While you have steam rolling out your ears...lol You might plan a revenge, but be aware what you expect to happen may not. You may be more upset that it didn't get the reaction you planned or it may backfire.
Remember the 3 C's, you can't Change it, Control it, or Cure it. Wouldn't it be better for your mental health to focus on you and what you need to do for own recovery?
keep coming back Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
So sorry to hear your pain, I truly understand the plotting revenge - I had those thoughts, but in the long run, the a's in our lives, most of the time don't even remember the original plans we tell them so if we change them or do something else they probably won't even notice - which for me only made it more frustrating.
Wanting them to hurt as much as they are hurting us, is very much how I felt. After a lot of work on understanding the disease, I learned to try to understand how much pain the alcoholic/addicts are in before recovery, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with the hurts and dissappointments we feel.
Take some time for you, try to make some meetings, remember you are important enough to deserve recovery,
There is Hope in Al-Anon, MIP & in your HP,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
