It is good to be back after my absence. It is something to me how this cunning disease keeps affecting us all in different ways as we continue on our own journeys. I for one know not to rely on one support group for my journey and I am glad I have that knowledge now. I am not going to be hurt again so badly that I almost end up in the hospital. It is hard living with chronic pain etc. and no one can understand my life unless they have walked in my shoes. I am seeing how chaos and drama just seem to remain in people's lives and how some feed off of it. I hope my daughter can calm down now and find an even keel life for herself. I need that for me too especially with my sensitive health issues. I see the importance of having a plan to protect ourselves when people we rely on or have friendships with do the opposite. Alanon is not a perfect program and there are not perfect people in it. I just had the idea that in alanon we are all equals but it just doesn't always work that way as everyone is human afterall. It is good to know there are other choices out there and that a person can have more than one support group. I found how important it is to be in groups where all are nice and greet all even if there are hard feelings or issues. I try to do this and don't want to be uncaring. If the group or I get uncaring then it may be time to move on to a group that is not like that or does not bring that out in me. This is a program of attraction afterall. It is good there are alot of f2f groups in my community for this reason. WE get out of the program what we put in. I have been in alanon 3 years this month both online and f2f. I am proud of all I have done and all I have learned. I guess we need to be the ones to give ourselves the big pat on the back for if no one else lives our lives or walks in our shoes, how could they possibly know all that has been done. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I feel stonger now even though the circumstances were so painful in getting to this point. My HP and I Know my right and wrongs. I am glad I can realize this and not choose to become bitter with a chip on my shoulder. The thing that kept drawing me back was the equality in the program. When that gets lost than maybe it is time to move on. I am not sure about my future in alanon, but I know I still can be an open minded person. I am learning more about working on ME and not pleasing others who may have thier own agendas. IT is too bad I had to learn such hard lessons but I am sure my HP had a hand in it. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am still my same lovable, kind, compassionate, person to those now that display mutual respect. I am not wasting my time anymore on those who are not respectful or who are not who they appear to be. With me, what you see is what you get. Yes, I have my shortcomings and I do work on them, but I am here to grow and learn. When my daughter was almost killed 2 weeks ago, again I learned who my true friends were. Not all friends in alanon are true. I think we come into the program wounded with our sensors all out of whack. Some of us come from alcoholic homes ourselves. How can people be respectful or true friends when they have so much to learn on their journey to heal their wounds? Hurt me once, blame on you, Hurt me twice, blame on me. That is something I am keeping in mind these days. I remember once trying to make a boundary with someone in a polite way and was told they would do any damn thing they wanted! Yet, in person they put on another face. I don't have time for this stuff anymore.

Myself and my family have become the most important focus in my life now. I am glad I was able to give so much of my time to the room and people and the board but now it time for ME. Debilyn always asks about me. Well, this post is about me debilyn. I am growing and will continue to. I am just sharing my own personal experiences. There is no easy way to get through the steps. Either go through them or don't get out of the program what you are worth getting out. For I am a person that would rather a support group say hi to all and be gracious like healthy adults or find a new one. WE have too much hurt and game playing in our families. WE don't need this in a place we need and strive to be safe in. I am talking about all support groups out there. I am grateful I have met and know people like debilyn, kitty, whitie, leo, lebe, faith ,kismet for example who accept me for who I am, shortcomings or not. Thanks for all of you for being here for me during my struggles and journey. I just never thought the journey would bring more hardships like it has after my daughter was clean and sober. Now my eyes are wide opened and I see how it was her life or death recently that almost took her away from me! That is what has refocused my journey and my taking this program so seriously now. cdb