The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately I have been seeing things in a different way. Or maybe it is just stronger and more real.
It is always, but.."I love them so much."
I decided I want a person that wants me, wants to come to me. I am a nice woman, like to laugh, play, tease and love someone. I see men who long for their wives, do for them, care for them. Used to have that. But not in years. Just realized, here I am waiting for him to send me a letter from jail, call me from jail.
Heck with it. So dumb. I don't even like, "him" anymore and my husband is NOT coming back. It is like if I lost my ability to walk, I use to walk, I loved to walk, but I have to really face, I will never walk again.
I will never be loved by the A again. On a program of recovery or not, he is A, selfish, self centered, tunnel visioned, boring, unmotivated,sick, mean, stubborn, yuck.
Time to tell him he either run and get me or get a divorce. I know he won't run and get me. I am so easy to please. Was alone so long out of choice, learned to do for me. That when he came, it was so neat to even have him warm up my Jeep for me before I went to work.
He used to do that stuff, open doors, treated me like a lady.
I have my memories. But I don't really even think of them much at all anymore. Just does not matter. He is not a nice person, I am. I have not ever said anything like this before to him.
I was wondering too, I don't think I could live with him even if he was nice again. I believe when the normal type of bantering or fighting would happen, and I would be so afraid, and I could not help but feel nothing can ever be good becuz of the past.
Too much has happened. So much horrible pain and lies and abuse. I forgive him, I can forget. The scars are there however. Disease or not, not his fault, does not matter, a knife cuts either way.
I also over the years in alanon know in my heart, the A does have some responsibility in all this crap. It is not all oh the poor A. Individually, depends on the person, my A does know what he is doing, does know what it takes. He is not unwise to AA and what it takes. He was a sponsor, chaired, has his tools. But he is on a pitty pot.
His brother died, his A abusive father died, his family is a joke and very horrible. But you know what? He has a beautiful son, grandson, a healthy happy smiling wife, a beautiful home, lives in a pretty area, so he chooses to stay on the dark side. I am tired of it.
I am ok alone. If I ever get to be in love again, I will be blessed to be loved.
It isn't going to be him. I don't want it to be. I have that strong love packed away now, there are layers and layers of too many bad memories to dig thru to it anymore. Sorta like a compost pile.
Thank you for listening. Maybe you relate. I just don't want someone who does not want me anymore. Words mean nothing, action does.
If I could vote, I would vote for that choice. You do deserve so much more in this world. Some man is waiting with HP to meet you and be the husband you so deserve! You are worth it debilyn! You sound so strong on this post. I just felt so much strength in you when I read it. Wishing you all the best. Hard decisions like this don't come easily, but you have been contemplating this for a very long time with your HP. Time for debilyn to have a new life that if meant to be, is out there for you :) cdb oxoxoxoxo
I hear your strength and rational thinking loud and clear. I know from some of your previous posts your strong commitment to marriage and understand how hard it is for you to reach a decision like this.
I have had the same feelings, I felt married to my A before we were married, and to be honest with myself i will still feel married to him even after the divorce is final. I will be protected legally unfortunately that does not protect my emotions. I can forgive and let go but as you said the sscar tissue builds up and with no action to soften it and slough it off there is no point with this particular relationship. I hope over time I can find the strength you have found.
Many hugs to you and all your family, furry ones included LOL
Hi Debilyn....and my best to you. I often wondered if your mind would ever reach this place. Progress? Good luck on your decision. I know it was not reached lightly...I have never seen a person so dedicated as you to making the best of a situation.
Take care (((((((((((((((to you))))))))))))))))))))))
debra i can relate to the "layers on layers-----compost heap" sometimes a person can "go to the well and take" just too many times
the hebrews have a saying about "spitting in the well u drink from" sounds like ur "A" did just that, the water is forever contaminated....damage done...sometimes it can't be reconciled
i dont' know if hp has husband for U....i am alone now after 6 yrs. of being alone, and folsk tell me "oh hp has husband u deserve" yeah, right!!! who knows!!! it makes me mad when folks say that to me cuz who KNOWS???? but i know THIS.....NOONE is gonna treat me like crap anymore cuz i am working on myh program, getting stronger about ME, my taking care of me and my boundaries.....
so i am not going to tell U "hp has this or that for U" cuz i dont' know.....but i know that the ONLY thing this program guarantees IF we work it is better relationship with self and what ever higher power we embrace....that is IT...
NO guarantees of another husband, better finances, but YES, a better relationship with self, and better way of taking care of SELF, AND better relationship with LIFE......for me??? i was a self hating, god hating, life hating bitter , angry woman....FULL of hate/ resentmetn/ bitterness........well i am not thrilled with life, but i AM getting better with me and my hihger power within me.....i SEE it.....
so no matter what life has down the road for me, it HAS to be better than what was behind me..........please take what works and leave the rest.....rosie
I know how gut wretching it is to make such a decision. It took me 4 years to know without a doubt that it was time for me to live MY life and not to have his way of life be forced on me. I deserve more. I just finished talking with an old (86 yrs old) neighbor that I greatly repect and she said her and her husband always wondered why I put up with my a husband. She encouraged to move on with my life just as she has since her beloved husband died three yrs. ago. She has met a new man and they are great companions to each other. She is an awesome woman with great insight and I am "moving on". No one can do it for me though and it has been a road full of pot holes that is slowly being paved for me.
If you are like me, once I made the decision to end my 22 yr. marriage it was a set in stone, sure thing moment of clarity. Hold on girl it's a wild road.
You give so much to everyone that the day will come when you are truly loved. For now I think you have learnt the ultimate goal - to love your self first. When your heart has healed and you are least looking for it the love will be returned. Luv Leo xxx
