The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Please help, someone with a little experience maybe in this situation. My husband has been relapsing since January of this year. I moved out for two months because I could not take it anymore. He called one night during the separation, and just broke down (what I thought was his bottom) and said he couldn’t do this without me, and although he will not go to AA, he made an earnest attempt (I thought) to be more spiritual. I did come home after a while, and it seemed that right when I moved back, he began drinking again. I can tell he doesn’t want to drink, but does anyway. He came home lastnight just sobbing because he was upset because he had drank. I see this total chaos, loss of control, and sheer pain (I truly know how he feels because I am recovering also). I just hugged him lastnight, and told him I was so sorry, but he had to ask for help.
Will this just go on forever? It seems he has had enough! I am reading books that say that it is a good thing, because he is getting in more pain and it will spur him on to get help….Thanks for listening….
Welcome, everyone is different. Some peoples bottom is death, sadly.
As far as will it go on forever, in my experience when we go back or take them back it makes the bad stuff go on even longer. Like ya said, as soon as you came back he was drinking.
I believe he hates what is happening, I believe he wants to stop. You are right, it is up to him. And when he gets so sick, so desperate, he will go to AA becuz he will be willing to do anything to stop!
"Getting Them Sober" Toby Drew Rice I believe is my alanon Bible. It will teach you so very much and you will relate to so many things in it.
yes alcoholism is forever. They have a very serious disease that does not go away even if they stop drinking. Drinking is only one symtom of being an A. Just stopping using does not make things better. In fact it can be worse.
It is called a program of recovery for the A to get their life back.
Thank you so so much. Yes, I LOVE that book Getting Them Sober. I read it almost every day. Also the Language of Letting Go. This is such a sad sad disease. I just pray for him that is all I can do. I'm not ready to leave yet. I am a bunch stronger than before, after attending F2F Alanon meetings and spending time reading on this board.
Thanks again, really. I needed some feedback. Of course I am worried about him constantly. Have a nice weekend.
I don't know how many bottoms some A's can have, but DO know that it is in their time, and it is their bottom, and not ours. Reading your post, after the fact, for the obvious red flag, is when his WORDS say "I don't wanna drink", but his ACTIONS say otherwise "I am not going to do AA".
We have all done what you are facing with him, in some form or another.... we want so badly to believe in our A's, and believe their words and promises..... Unfortunately, when they are active, that is what most of it is - words and promises.
He'll reach his bottom on his own time, and at his own place.... time to take care of YOU, and dive into YOUR recovery.
Take care
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
If you are not ready to leave him, you can help him (and you) by doing what you can to stop enabling. If you are reading alanon literature and books like "Getting them Sober" then you have a good idea of what to (not) do.
The less you worry aobut him, and go on to get some joy and fulfilment out of your own life, the better. Not only are you saving yourself - yes, that is important - you are giving an example of what recovery looks like. When he gets 'sick and tired of being sick and tired" he will go for the help he needs. Until then, there is not much you can do for him, but lots you can do for yourself, as we say.
That is a question I have asked for a long time....Do some people ever hit there bottom...It took me throwing him out, gettin an injury, unable to work, a physc ward, and now rehab..............and this has all been in a matter of 8 weeks.......Is this his bottom, he is alone mostty, hasn't seen his kids in this whole time.....So we shall see....
I have often thought to myself maybe for some people, there is no bottom.......
I just know the life of hell is too much to bare..........
A friend of mine hit HIS bottom when he was making $27 and hour, living in his truck because he could not afford a place of his own and NOONE would allow him to live there with his alcoholic behavior and he went on a drunk, totalled his truck/home and blew 5 times the legal limit or something, anyways the doctor at the ER told him he SHOULD be dead with THAT much alcohol in his system. He went to a recovery center, went to AA and has NEVER touched a drop since then...9 years of sobriety.
The odds of an addict getting clean and staying clean are something like 13 out of every 100, not good.
I dont have much hope for my A, so I am struggling with detachment, I love him BUT I have to be #1 here.
A long time ago someone in the program said to me, "Every bottom has a trap door."
Bottoms are different for everyone. They happen in different ways. I can share that I use to pray that each time the alcoholic went to jail...it was his bottom, or when my brother who is an addict was "on the run" and was caught....that that was his bottom.
Truth is....there have been many, many times that I considered a bottom had been reached.....but......nothing changed in the lives of the addicts/alcoholics in my life.
I finally had to let go....and let God. I was exhausted. I was sick and tired. I had reached my bottom. I walked into an Al-Anon meeting......and I am a very grateful lifetime member today.
I love all the alcoholics in my life today. I know that whenever I think things just can't get any worse for them.....they often do. I can't do a thing about it.
Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful......and that's why "bottoms" will have those trap doors.
