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I dont know what to think about the Lord's plan for me today!
I got up, very emotional about my A who I have not been with in a month. I sent him a text message (I guess you could say I fell off the detachment wagon) simply saying "Have you forgotten me?" He did not respond.
At 9:30 I met with my husband, his attny and my attny to try to settle our divorce without going to court. Did not go real well, and I almost felt sorry for my husband, who is now truly understanding just how f'd he is, and just how worth all the $$$$$ my attny is, my attny is a nightmare HIS attny was shaking and swallowing hard! I did not laugh out loud, I just snickered a time or two and could not quit grinning. So, anyhoo, I guess we take it before a judge in August. My attny slid some paper out to my husband attny, I dont know what it was - something about getting judgements against his financial accounts, and his attny made the most horrible face, so it must have been bad (for him)....we shall see LET GO AND LET GOD!
THEN I get to work, ball of nerves, smoking cig after cig, then I look out the window and told the girl working with me "OH yes, good looking man on a Harley pulling in....Oh and he is wearing a CSX hat (my A is a CSX engineer) and OH MY GOD It is A!!!!" He came in, we talked, he showed me the Harley he bought yesterday, and asked me to call him or come over - I am terrified.
I love this man, he is the absolute love of my life, who has been the one person who caused me to be sicker and more obsessed and completely consumed with misery than I ever knew possible and still live!
I have prayed the Lord to show me what I need to do, to remove the desire from my heart for him OR send him back to me READY to be the man I need him to be........what is this now? A month, nothing, now BOOM he is back? Or is he NOT back just showing off his Harley? I cannot imagine that though.
I love this man, he is the absolute love of my life, who has been the one person who caused me to be sicker and more obsessed and completely consumed with misery than I ever knew possible and still live!
>>>>>>>>>>how do we "love" someone who makes us sick??? makes us obsessed???? and makes us miserable????? since when is love **attachment**.......as i recover more and more and love ME more and more.....these guys turn me OFF now........i find it hard to belive that the "lord" would put anyone in my life who makes me miserable.........what is that?? self will or hp's will????
I have prayed the Lord to show me what I need to do, to remove the desire from my heart for him OR send him back to me READY to be the man I need him to be........what is this now? A month, nothing, now BOOM he is back? Or is he NOT back just showing off his Harley? I cannot imagine that though.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> thats exactly what i woudl do.....GIVE IT UP........step #6, being ENTIRELY ready and willing to give UP the defects that cause us insanity.........i heard a saying........doing the SAME thing over adn over and expecting diferent results EQUAL---INSANITY.......... has he SHOWN that he is ready to be man U need him to be???? and can U control him??? i couldn't control any of my EX's......i think he is "back" cuz its "cheaper to keep her" than to pay all that $$$$ and hes hopin u will fall for the same ole INsanity.........naw , he showed up to work on U.....AND if hes so worried about $$$ WHY the harley?????? wow, talk about head games....this is what i see......i hope u "keep the focus on U".......and remember..........U didn't cause..........U can't control.......U cannot cure...................hugs, rosie
Jen, love does not make us sick. It does not cause injury, does not look for it's own interest.
Love never fails. This is from the most published and the one book who's copies are in almost every place in the world.
Myself, I don't like being tore apart, hurt, disallusioned, abandoned, lied to, betrayed, treated disrespectfully...
I have a question for you, would you take this kind of behavior from one of your important girl friends?
think about it. I care about you my friend, very much. I see you working hard on your program, I am very proud of you.
What you feel may be love, I validate that. But honey even though you love beautiufully, sadly it is not being returned. I honestly believe we are a lot alike, but I am 53 and have been thru this for over 30 years.
I learned like I told you, I love how "I" love.
anyway keep us updated no matter what!!! We will support you and or pick up the pieces.
This is not my husband...this is my A, he is my "boyfriend" that I had BEFORE I met my husband, then we re-united 10 years later when I filed for divorce, well about 3 months later that is.
I am not hopeful about my A...I mean, Hell, what is a Harley? A TOY! GROW UP ALREADY! I am not going to call him tonight, not going to go to his house, I feel so mixed SO I have decided to stick with the plan that is working, RECOVERY and DETACHMENT.
I dont think he is "ready" to be the man I need him to be, I absolutely cannot control him, I cannot control the disease, and NOW I bet it gets WORSE, he will find new drinking buddies and maybe a whore or two and it will get worse.
Hmmm... my only thought is "don't pin this one on the Lord"..... lol
Remember, it was by YOU initiating the text message communication that he came to see you, it wasn't an act of fate or anything....
This is hard, horrible stuff...... just do yourself a favor, and "don't settle". If he's serious about his recovery, and wanting you back in a healthy way, he will show that. If he simply wants you back, the way it was (which is what most A's are looking for), then you'll have to decide whether or not that is any good for you...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Jen, I have to agree, word for word, with Rosie on this one. And as Debilyn said, "Love doesn't make us sick." You crashed kiddo when you text messaged him. God is out of this one. Remember...*drumming this into your head*...one whole year sober, then see where the two of you are. You are such a dear one; I hate to see you hurt again. And you will be.
I continue to send you best wishes for good sense.
Take care, and beware, my friend. Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
He is just now a fond (using that word loosely) memory...I am letting go, I DO BELIEVE that the Lord sent him to me, on a brand new Harley so I would let it sink and in and WHAP! Up against the forehead...NOW DO YOU SEE JENNIFER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes I see, hopeless, sad, done.
