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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Accept things I cannot change...or Courage to change what I can?
Post Info TOPIC: Accept things I cannot change...or Courage to change what I can?
tishrijo


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Accept things I cannot change...or Courage to change what I can?
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Please share your opinions....I am at my wits end...


Sister has 3 children by 2 diff men.  The 2 babies dad is only off drugs because he lacks the money to buy.  He has been around for a total of 7 months of the 3 year olds life....and 5 months of the 10 month olds life.  He is very disrespectful to women (ex: wrote "I eat pussy" on my sisters chin in permanent marker, calls her a dirty hoar, and has done jail time for beating his ex-girlfriend less than a year ago)  He absolutely adores his 10 month old daughter and his 12 month old daughter (yes, 2 diff moms).....But he treats his 3 year old son badly.  Calls him a sissy and a baby, says he's a hemroid cause he's up his mom's rear all of the time.  And he held my 8 year old niece upside down over the toilet.  She is not his child.  He spends all of his free time playing video games, not that that has anything to do with this.  He's 23 and my sister is 31.


I am so afraid he is going to emotionally scar my nephew.  My nephew is very verbal that he doesn't like his dad.  He says he's mean.  He has on one ocassion told us that his dad hurt him in the mouth.  My sister defends the jerk saying that he was just punishing him for whining.  He's 3! She lied to us and said he didn't hold her daughter over the toilet.


Last and definitely not least....my sister is very verbally abusive to all 3 of her children.  She cusses at them all of the time.  Never is there a time when i'm talking to her on the phone that she doesn't cuss at one of them at least once.  And usually it's over and over.  When I've talked to her about this jerk, she says that it's very important to her that her children have their dad's in their lives since we didn't have our dad in our life.  She says it's not fair to keep her daughter from her dad just because the dad treats the boy badly.  It doesn't seem right to me that a parent would sacrifice one child for the others happiness.  If you could even call it that, what difference does a 10 month old baby know!


Where does Al-Anon fall into all of this?  I was supposed to keep the kids for a week while she's on vacation....but then she said their dad was picking them up Wednesday.  I don't feel that they are safe with him without another adults supervision.  He also is going to be driving them around on a suspended lisence with no insurance.  I informed her today that if she was going to insist that he get the kids for 2 days...then I want her to find someone else to watch them....cause I can't handle it mentally, having to turn them over to him.  Knowing how he treats his son.  So, now my mom and stepdad are keeping them and letting their dad take them Wednesday.  My mom feels the same as me on the issue and cries herself to sleep most nights from worrying, but feels there is nothing we can do about my sisters decisions.


I am very tempted to tell my sister that if she doesn't get some counseling very very soon then I'm going to report her for verbal abuse and not protecting them from his mental abuse. .  I need some outside opinions before I make a final decision.....My mom says she has to detach, but she is also enabling my sister to continue her behavior.  I am torn between Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change....and Courage to Change The Things I Can...I feel so lost and am tired of crying myself to sleep worrrying about her children.  Please share your opinions.


Thank you....tishrijo



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This too shall pass....
debilyn


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In my experience that it is everyones responsibility to protect children and animals. I believe I need to protect anyone from abuse.


I would be calling child protective services. Who knows what you are not being told. If they do nothing bug them until they do. Send the police over to check on things. They will do that.


My mil was being abused and I called protective services over and over. Now they are making sure she is protected.


I am very adament about this. Thank God she has you to be watching an caring enough to be brave to do something for these precious kids.


I don't even yell or cuss at my animals. sending you strength, love,debilyn


 



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nmike


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tishrijo,


Yikes! These people are short on the parenting skills. I am with Debilyn - you must always protect the children. This is not the same thing as detachment and acceptance. Your sister is in denial about what is going on. Maybe make a plan A, B, C for the vacation. Do your best.


In support,


Nancy


 



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lilms


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I don't know what the laws are in the States but here in Canada, in Ontario anyhow, I am legally obligated to report child abuse and what you are describing is abuse.


If something happens to one of these children will you be able to live with yourself had you done nothing???


Sorry if this sounds harsh, grew up in an extremely abusive violent household.  Sure wish someone had saved me before I grew up.


Lilms



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lin0606


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I have to agree - this is not really about boundaries and detachment, this is about children being abused, possibly quite seriously.

You know best what is most likely to have results - warning her that you will soon have no choice but to call Children's Services, or just going ahead and doing it. One thing that may help to strengthen your resolve - in Canada, where I live, adults are required by law to report abuse of children that they suspect. This means that adults who know about it and DON'T report, can be charged. Those kids need an advocate - looks like it's got to be you.

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kismetstrand


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Have to agree with everyone else... this is child abuse and should be reported.  If this were anyone other than your relative, would you have hesitated to call child protective services knowing what you know?  Allowing children of that age to be around verbal abuse falls under the legal category of "Child Endangerment" (I've looked this up before).  Verbal abuse is as bad as physical abuse.... abuse is abuse, period.  Usually verbal will lead to physical also ("dad hurt my mouth" << physical abuse) 


If you were to tell sis you were going to call protective services, this gives sis and the boyfriend time to threaten the children with who knows what if they should say anything "bad" to anyone who comes to talk to them.  Children have denied abuse due to these kinds of threats out of fear of displeasing mom and dad or fear of being punished worse.  Just something to think about.


An adults job is to protect children.  If the parent isn't doing that job, then who will?  This is why it is mandatory for caregivers (babysitters, teachers, etc.) to report any suspected abuse. 


"Discipline" is not abuse.  "Discipline" means to guide and teach a child in a healthy way.  Children need discipline, not abuse. 


As for boundaries, well, healthy boundaries apply to everyone and anything equally.  I personally have the boundary that I will not allow my children to be abused and I will do whatever it takes to make sure of that.  I have stepped between my husband and son when husband was yelling at son and told husband to stop.  I have called the police out when husband was drunk and started swinging at my adult son and I was unable (physically) to stop him.  He has never raised a hand to him since.  He knows I will not hesitate to do what is needed to protect them. 


Detachment with love?  To me detachment with love means not involving myself mentally in their crisis, meaning not trying to fix it or make it better, but allowing the natural consequences of their actions to happen.  A natural consequence for an abusive person is being reported to the proper authorities. 


Just my opinion.


Luv, Kis



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aunitedway


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If you decide to take steps to help protect the children here are some phone numbers. If the person/persons you talk to can nothelp you ask them to direct you to someone that can.  Please this is not advice. We can only make suggestions from our own experience strength and hope.  A child is a beautful wonderf from God. Please do not let them live in fear of life and without hope of a better life of respect, one filled with love and support.. 


((MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YU AND FOR THE CHILDREN))


HELPFUL HOTLINE NUMBERS;


(if you are outside the US, Information should be able to help locate these offices in your area) 


Dont give up...You are not alone!


CHILDHELP USA NUMBER IS 800-633-5155


NATIONAL CHILDRENS ALLIANCE 800-239-9950


NATIONAL RESOURCE CENTER FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE:  1-800-537-2238


RAPE *ABUSE  & INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK 800-656-HOPE(4673) 


NATIONAL ORGANIZATION FOR VICTIMS ASSISTANCE: 800-TRY-NOVA 


(800-879-6682)


 Keep Looking Up!  



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nycbt


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Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.


 


World Service Organization Website –


WWW.al-anon.alateen.org


Phone number is 1-888-425-2666


Alanon meetings 800-351-9996


Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666


Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.


Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html 


Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.



  • Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

  • post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

·        Set support system.  people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.



  • Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.


 

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
tishrijo


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I just wanted to say thank you to everyone  who has shared their experience, strength, and hope....you are a great help.  I even had  my mom read the board and she agrees with myself and all of you, she just doesn't want to risk her grandchildren being kept from her....please continue to share if you haven't already....


tishrijo



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This too shall pass....
jennneeefffurrr


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Call the police, sherrif's department, child welfare...get these INNOCENT children out of this HORRID environment.


Screw your sister, she is a piece of sh*t for letting her kids be in this Hell house, those kids are #1, if YOU dont do something and YOU know it is going on the YOU are just as responsible for the suffering those kids endure, and WHEN this jerk finally kills one of them YOU will live the rest of your life with the GUILT of knowing you could have tried to do something.


VERY recently in my small Ohio community a little 9 year old girl perished in a burning house. The step-dad claimed that he busted out the window to her room trying to save her while the mom was pounding on the ceiling below her room with a broom handle trying to wake her up. The mom said she heard McKenzie screaming "I cant get out!" They said they tried everything, but the flames had engulfed her already. The mom went on to tell others in the community that she will never again live in a 2 story house for this reason.


WELLLLLL...my friends husband happens to be a detective on the local police dept. When the fire and emergency crews arrived, there were NO parents at the house, they showed up later, AFTER they saw the fire and emergency crew arrive. McKenzie was NOT burned other than very very minor burns around the bottom of her legs. Her room was NOT engulfed in flames, as the stepdad had claimed...she was DEAD before the fire was set!


The mom just got back from a cruise around the Bahamas with her boyfriend. She came back sporting a tattoo on her butt "she was a pain in my ass the day she was born and she is still a pain in my ass" she took her cruise and missed the candlelight vigil that was held on McKenzie's birthday so she could go on this cruise.


McKenzie has not even been dead a month yet.


People have been donating money to this family, they are using it for entertainment, and THEY most likely are the ones responsible for this little 9 year olds death.


Just 2 weeks ago, a man stabbed his son also 9 through the heart with a screwdriver and then set his house on fire, to cover up, BUT he forgot to take the screwdriver out of his sons chest. Now he is claiming that "voices" told him to do it. The little boys mother was in the hospital at the time and now has to suffer the rest of her life with her sons brutal death.


NEVER is it OK to turn a "blind eye" to child abuse....YOU are VERY responsible for these children and the outlook is NOT good if NOONE intervenes seriously.


JEN



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