The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've decided to write more letters to my father. I don't know if it's healthy or not, but I've been feeling better after I write them. They may sound really bad, but this is the one I wrote tonight.
That song brought up so much for me. Not only do I want you to be there for me, and take care of me, but I’m so incredibly angry at you. I understand this disease, but what I don’t understand is how you could choose it over me. I’m your daughter. I mean what the hell is wrong with you? Do you not realize how many people you’re hurting? It’s not just me! You’re going to hurt your other 3 kids too, and your grandchildren. It’s gonna continue down the line. Not only that, but you’ve made your kids, their children, and so on more vulnerable to be taken by this disease. Do you realize the example you’re setting? You’re telling me it’s ok to hurt my loved ones, kill myself, abuse people, stalk people, get fired, not go to school, have kids I don’t take care of, and party every night. Do you not see the problem with that? Are you that far gone? Are you really that screwed up? I can’t even tell you how mad I want to be at you, but every time I even think about you, I get depressed, and upset. People tell me it’s ok to blame you, but I don’t want to. At the same time however, I blame you for everything. That may seem harsh to some, but you’ve screwed everything up! The problem with this is it’s not healthy for me to blame you and I know it. I need to let go of you, but when you won’t leave me alone, I just can’t! Why can’t you just take off, get out of here, stop making this disease affect the rest of your family. We’d all be better off without you.
So anyway, I just feel better sharing these letters with everyone here, since I can't really give them to my father, and I don't feel comfortable showing them to the rest of my family.
I can really relate to what your saying in your letter. IMHO it isn't "ok to blame" that makes us just like them & not taking any accountability for being out of control with our own feelings BUT I am in the same boat, learning how to not react b/c of them & just be emotionally balanced, detached enough not to feed into their disease which only gives them power over us and more excuses, justifications.
Still, as long as I've had the Program & I'm an oldtimer, I struggle just the same, get sucked back into the shame/blame/guilt spiral. You certainly ARE entitled to your feelings, they try to take that away from us, saying we are wrong ~ I get accussed of 'blaming' but I don't, however I AM effected deeply. I go through the same self-talk, 'why can't I be loved for the soul I am' by my family, why do I have to be manipulated to get any approval ~ the disease quite frankly is a soul-sucker all the way around!
Depression is anger you feel you don't have the right to have, I believe (again) we are entitled to our emotions, good, bad or ugly, we are human, we all feel the same sorts of things, just experience them in our own unique perceptions. It is so easy for them or anyone else to 'point the finger' ~ I always liked that expression that there are 3 pointing right back at you (with the symbology of the trinity, HP, or body-mind-soul right there to give us support & strength to bear it).
Being raised ACOA is a hell only other acoa's know... thanks for writing this letter, I relate & feel your emotion, the same self-talk, also it gives me the opportunity to tell you, not to be so hard on yourself (as we do), that perfectionism, taking too much responsibility, blaming ourselves junk... we can't control anyone but ourselves, we aren't accountable for anyone but us and it is liberating & freeing on the good days. I recently got sucked into that depression for over 2 months & my mind was very vulnerable & negative. Amazing how a little prayer & a few positive thoughts just turn it right around again ~ Thank You God ~ I don't want that hell of depression, I want to voice my anger or pain & be free of it!
It took a sore throat & having to get cough medicine for me to realize meta-physically, I was closing off my own voice, so I am feeling stronger, better & a little more healthy again. I feel when we get it off our chests, out of our minds & hearts, it does relieve us of so much burden.
One day at a time, you are not alone, keep on writing & thank you.
Love, -Kitty of Light
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I am almost afraid to listen to that song. I cry almost every day about the loss of the relationship with my AH. At first I tried to stop crying and wondered what's wrong with me. Now, I just honor my feelings and let the tears come. Some of the sadness and pain may not be my own (carried feelings from my family). And tears are cleansing also.
My father died twenty-two years ago. He was never there after he started drinking. I wanted so much for him to turn around and look at me and share my life. After his death, we have had so many great events as a family that he has missed. In a way he never saw my siblings and I blossom. He never met the majority of his grandchildren. I was angry for a long time. And I realize now that he just couldn't do it. Now I work towards forigiveness.
