The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i have read posts in these past months and i woudl see a poster and instead of saying "i hear ya" or "hey i can relate" or "gee i am sorry for ur pain" i would jump right in and get on their case with "what step r u working on???" or "do u have a sponser" or stuff sounding like i am the "know it all" here???
well i have been here for 28 months, now and there are times i STILL need to vent, and look back and FEEL the past, and i have been blessed to get support/ comfort and esh from folks,
yes, i was right to ask the person, about the steps, and sponser, and meetings, etc, but i could have done it in a more compassionate "down to earth way"
after 28 months, i am STILL processing 50 plus years of pain...there are times i STILL curse his sorry soul, but it is decreasing by the week......it is being replaced by my loving and treating ME good, AND i am a better loved one to my close others.....what i am growing in me, i am radiating out to my close others.....
i know i keep wanting to "rush this" along, but that is not going to happen.....its going to be a while for me, perhaps, but that doesn't mean i can't live while i heal.....i have issues, and i am learning how to either overcome them entirely, OR manage them so they do not sabotage my life.....but i STILL have my slips....
hell the incest itself lasted for about 8 years total....not to mention the RE-wounding i got as a result of my horrific injuries, i would latch on to MORE abusers, and i got date raped, kidnapped where i had to drug the guy so i could steal his car and escape what ever evil he intended upon me....i "played along with him" fed him liquor laced with barbituates he had and i got him "gorked" and stole his car and i blazed out of there.....
i just got and used and abused till i finally snapped at yet another jerk i was with who hit me outside of this eating place we were leaving and i snapped!!! i tried to run over the guy with my car..the only thing that saved him was the fact my car wouldn't fit through the doors to the bar he ran into to save his life....yep, another real winner, and i snapped!!!!
anyway, what i am saying here is that we ALL had pain....some of us got "hit" worse than others, but pain is pain...this is not a "who got it the worst contest"....if we are here?? it means we are hurting and needing compassion....
i figure to be in recovery for the REST of my life, it took me DECADES to get this sick, so u can bet your butt, i am not going to heal over night....
if i appear to be like a victim in my posts sometimes??? well?? i was for decades...its gonna take a while to UNlearn all these awful wrong messages my brain imprinted....i heard that some abuses, like parental emotional/ physical and sexual abuse goes to the deepest layers of the brain and that is why it is so hard to overcome.....we had a thread about parental sex abuse, and someone called it "soul murder" that shook me up....but i will NOT lose hope that i SHALL overcome!!! damned him, i am gonna BEAT him by loving me!!!!
i know, i am having a hell of a time "un-doing" the damage to me....
so when i asked some folks about sponsers, meetings, 12steps work, yeah, i thought i was the "big shot" cuz i am workin it...giving it hell, and i was feeling like i was "over" these guys just starting and i was WRONG!!!!!
i am not "over" anyone...and noone is "over" me......i am just one cookie in this giant cookie jar with the diferent shapes/ colors/ backgrounds/ pain as the rest of the "cookies"...thats all....
when i am in "down" mode, or having a "bad coda day" i HOPE that i continue to get the love and support and esh, and help frm others....and i will do my best to GIVE it as well....
i meant well, but i did not handle some posts very well...the amend i intend to make is yeah, ask about the steps/ sponser / meetings thing, but to ALSO let the person know that i empathize with thier situation and not just get on their case about the program and "think" i did my "service"..i will try to answer posts i think i can contribute something worth while to...
the foremost thing is love and compassion.....working this step workbook i just bought really made me see some things about me....yep, lots of good, but some not so good stuff too....like thinking after only 28 months of recovery, i am a "seniour" around here and can get on someones case....
it has taken me THIS long to get to the grief stages.....that means for 2 years, almost i had to discharge an ENORMOUS amount of anger/ rage/ outrage/ insult done to me......all that stored anger/ grief, about 50 plus years worth, and as hard as i work this program, i feel like a newbie sometimes.....
i take 2 steps forward and one backward.....i know ONE thing for sure...
i am honest...i am open to changes that will help me....i am willing to do what i have to do to overcome this.......AND i know when i have messed up and thanks to this program, i am not afraid to say it.....
i realize that this is NOT a *race* it is an individual thing....NOONE has the right to "do a report card" on me and i dont' have that right to do it to them......
i am doing my recovery the best way i know how...using what works..leaving the rest....and if i have to visit the anger and REvisit the anger more times than i WILL, cuz i deserve to be free of it and if it "bubbles" to the surface than i am gonna feel it..discharge it and KEEP discharging my feelings until they are on a CURRENT basis.......right now i am in grieving mode..have been for a while...and may be for a while yet...
no matter.....i am gonna put my feelings out...be honest about it....and working steps 1-4 lately i realized that i have in the past gotten on people's case instead of saying "hey remember when i was rehashing my stuff over and over and over again so as to PURGE me of it"
i am gonna talk about it till i don't have to talk anymore....
i notice that i am less and less focusing on my abuser , becuz i want to focus on the more important- worthy person in this equation, and that is ME.......instead of hating him, i want to fill my heart up with love for me and my sig others and let GO the bull**** resentment that only hurts me......
i liked crystal's illustration of shrinking him down and "letting him have it"
i did something similiar....i visualized him asleep on the couch, sitting up like he would do after he would satisfy himself on me, and i take this BIG baseball bat and i come up on him and i just beat him to a pulp where he is helpless/ crippled/ and i tell him what a piece of manure he is......it really helped me with the anger, so thanks crystal for your visualization u gave me on another post of mine
anyway, i am rambling..i just wanted to say to u guys who are new here.....talk till u are worn out.....talking, writing, sharing, that is what gets this stuff out.....imagine a huge boil full of poison....it has to be lanced, and the poison drawn out in increments until u get fresh blood, meaning the poison is out....mine was HUGE...boulder sized.....so i talked and i talked....i guess it helped cuz i am in grief mode now, adn after that???? comes ACCEPTANCE....and than MAYBE, i can learn to LIVE instead of just SURVIVING.....
just some feelings and observations i had to express here,
Just wanted you to know when ever you respond to a post of my. It has always been great to the point and honest. Thats the way I like then. Keep your head up keep working the program. I have wacth you over the past year. I think your doing great keep it up.
I actually admire and practice rigorous honesty...
IF we actually WERE to have the contest you mentioned "who has it worse" I think you just may win dear!
I also am bad about getting fed up with whiners...for instance, imagine your biggest problem is your husband not getting around to filling your brand new $18K pool in time to have friends over for a barbeque on Saturday afternoon. Oh, yes, I actually have to stomach those kinds of conversations and hold down my breakfast at the same time.
I firmly believe that life is only going to be what we make of it, in the end it is all about choices, sounds like you have made some good ones and helped others along the way too.
