Hello everyone, I am a grateful member of al-anon in the UK.

Well, it's been quite a journey hasn't it.  I didn't realise I was a member of al-anon for years until I finally found these rooms and the beautiful fellowship.

The Q in my life, is my now ex-partner who I decided enough was enough and separated from last year, just over 12 months ago.  It's been quite a journey of healing this year and I'm still working it.  My program has taken on a new meaning the last couple of years and I've been getting to f2f meetings regularly, which has helped so much.

What trauma there has been. 

My dear father was diagnosed with cancer in 2022 and it wasn't good, it was bladder cancer and recurred after his first operation, basically it was terminal.  The last 6 months were ... harrowing.  He was in a hospital bed and basically wasting away, had dementia - which seemed to come on at the same time, a mixture of age (he was 85 when he passed), UTI infections and co-morbidities.  Eventually was on end of life care and thankfully could be moved to a nursing home for the last few weeks.  I was with him when he passed, thankfully and I'm grateful he was not alone and I could talk to him, despite him being asleep and tell him how much I loved him and still love him.  The next few months are a blur, funeral arrangements, helping my mum who is alone too and in very poor health herself.  I have no siblings.

Anyway, that was that and I've had a lot of very helpful grief counselling and working things through.  It's no longer as raw as it was, just still 'there'.  I miss my dad and have a chat with him every other day, just checking in.  He wouldn't want me to suffer or mope around either so I just take every day one day at a time and go with the flow.

Things were getting worse with the Q in my life, I discovered her 'secret' bedroom drinking many years ago, when our daughter was about 3 years old.  Looking back I can't quite believe everything that's happened.  I was basically in survival mode.  I entered a state of denial myself too.  I was just trying to get through things with the normal pressures of life and a child. I couldn't leave, how could I? Leave her int he care of an A, she could have gone into the care system.  I had to stay, do what I could.  I knew that long term I had to leave, I could not stay in the company of an alcoholic, I've had too much - gaslighting, verbal abuse, sometimes physical (had things thrown at me), personal boundaries crossed, some VERY personal boundaries that were finally crossed and I decided that was it.  Economic abuse.  Belittled.  Ground down.  I basically just lost a sense of who I was.  My own identity was being erased.  I withdrew as I knew that enabling and co-dependent behavour would be psychological death for me, I could not allow that.  I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells, hypervigilance, what was I going to walk into when I got home.  I was starting to drink more myself, I was deeply sick spiritually, mentally, emotionally.

I know that alchoholism is a disease and a progressive one too.  I could not stay in a situation were I experienced so little basic respect.   I have a right to be happy.  To feel happiness and joy.  I had none of that in that relationship.

Worse was the enabling behaviour I saw between my Q and daughter, my parenting was undermined, there was a lack of basic manners (please and thank you - you know, that BASICS!), being spoken to like I was dirt is not on, rude, arrogant, disrespectful.  It's all the similar behavour I saw in my Q.  Just depressing.

At the point of separation I had reached my rock bottom.  I had no hope at the point.  Literally no hope.  I was just done.

Now I have hope.  I am building my self-respect back up.  I am receiving some counselling too to help, I have complex PTSD but it's a work in progress.  I am looking after myself so much better - I eat really well, clean, make most of my own food, I drink very little, I'm still exercising.  Work is stressful but they are aware of my personal circumstances.

More importantly I am working my program.  Al-anon helps me keep my sanity and on the path.  I can apply the al-anon principles in all aspects of life ... and you know what? I am coming to believe.  I've been working those steps, but back at step 1 + 2, the fundamentals.  I'm coming around to step 3.  I have to let go and let god.  There are some things happening on the horizon - financial matters, there are solicitors involved and it's costing a lot of money.  Again, it's the element of control isn't it?  I have to just let go and what will be will be.  I am accepting of what will happen because I have to, otherwise I am trying to impose MY will.  

Reflecting on the past I am quite resentful and I need to work on that, I am resentful for the life I thought I had, what I wished for.  I never really knew that person , the Q, it was all lies, so much hidden I'm only just finding out, so much chaos (the 4th and 5th C - chaos and clutter!) and clutter.  I'm glad I am out of that situation but there's been a high price to pay.

Currently daughter is non-contact and that is a work in progress too.  We shall see how things pan out - all I can do is just do what I can, otherwise that's me trying to control things again isn't it?

What a wonderful thing al-anon is.  I am so grateful to have found you all.

Let it begin with me.