Sometimes I feel lost - Al-Anon Family Group

LISA LOU · Newbie

Sometimes I feel lost

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

LISA LOU I hate that you feel so all alone in this. And I hate that you found AlAnon meetings pushy and not at all to your liking. May I suggest that you try a different group? You know, we have on-line meetings right here on this site that you are welcome to join. And...come by this board often. You'll find a bunch of caring people here who can relate to your trouble.

I think learning to set boundaries would be a great help to you. And, remember that because your children do not want you apart is no real reason to stay together. Kids are remarkably resilient, and adapt to most situations. You cannot turn your life over to the wishes of the kids without regretting it sooner or later. How to go about walking away? First of all...do you really want to? Think of what YOU want. If so, then you must search your heart and soul for the proper time and way to do it. It's all so difficult, dear one, but with faith and determination, you'll find the way. You'll be in my positive thoughts and prayers, and that can't hurt!

I send you and your children great caring and best wishes, Diva

MdmDragonfly · Member

Awww, Lisa. I'm sorry that you feel so lost. You have found a wonderful home here and some great new friends.

My A is my bf, also an alcoholic. He has been active for most of the 2 years we have been together and it can be so very lonely at times.

Keep coming back.

Dolphin123 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Lisa,

Welcome to MIP, glad you are here.

I am sorry that you found the alanon meeting you went to pushy. Not all meetings re like that. If you can go to different ones in your area they may have a different feel to them. And like Diva said, we have meetings here. I wanted to thank you for saying that you thought the people were pushy, it actually got me to thinking. I am wondering if my passion for the program could come across as pushy to a newcomer.....hmmmmmmmm... I will have to watch for that.

I understand about the lonliness I to have felt it. It is difficult to be right next to the one you love, and miss them terribly. I have found that puttin g focus on me helps with the lonliness.

Keep coming back,

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))))))))))))))

Welcome to MIP (Miracles In Progress)!!!!

I know what you mean about being the same room with someone and feeling lonely. I kind of like being alone and being my own best company these days.

Keep coming, keep posting and when the chat room is back up operating, join us in chat. You'll soon find yourself laughing and joking and sharing and not feeling so alone while keep the focus on you.

yours in recovery,
Maria123

mebjk · Senior Member

Hello, Lisa Lou,
I am so glad you've found Alanon. If the first meeting you go to doesn't work, keep trying. You will find a meeting where you feel comfortable. To be able to feel better from the Program, you have to work on it. That means going to meetings and getting a sponsor to help you work the steps. Your life will begin to change from the inside out. I have been there, and that is my experience.
Blessings to you,
mebjk

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi (((Lisa Lou))) welcome to MIP! Your post stirred up some memories for me. The constant fighting, the withdrawal of affection, feeling alone instead of a couple... yup, I remember that. Its part of what got me to Al-Anon and I'm so glad I got here!! What I learned here was to focus on myself, on how I was acting. I found that I created some of those situations. I would get angry whenever he drank, I would either say something nasty or give him a "look" and then walk away all mad and I'd stay in an ugly mood. And we'd usually end up fighting, yup. When I first got here to alanon, someone said, "try doing the opposite of what you normally would do". So I thought to myself, ok, what could it hurt. I'll try. So instead of showing anger, I'd just smile and be pleasant. I'd act as if he were not drinking. That was the beginning of my learning how to detach with love. And ya know what? Those fights that we had 3 to 4 times a week changed to just 3 to 4 total over the next 2 years. So something sure was working.

As for the affection part, I was sooo hurt by his rebuffing me whenever I would try to reach out for a hug that I built this invisible wall around me and just quit trying. Well, that didn't help anything, so I once again tried reaching out. Started with just small things, a quick hug and release. I still got rebuffed, but over time that changed too. My attitude, acting okay regardless of how he reacted, my not getting upset but remaining calm...that I think was/is key to it. Some men just find it real hard to be affectionate, alcoholic or not.

I didn't want to leave my marriage, but I was miserable with how it was. Thru Al-Anon I learned to change myself, my thinking/attitude, and in my case it improved our relationship, even though he hasn't changed his drinking habit at all. Not saying it works this way for everyone, but it has worked for me, so just sharing my experience.

Oh, and all those hurt and angry feelings I had... this website and the local alanon meetings were a lifesaver for me. Instead of taking all those feelings out on him, I brought those feelings here where people truly understand and boy did I vent a lot!! We do need to be able to let those feelings out. Best to do it here in a safe place where others understand and can also share with us their experiences (which often helped me see new ways of doing things). And another bonus, since I was venting here, I was able to remain nice and pleasant to hubby which certainly helped in rebuilding our relationship.

Keep coming back. Regardless of what you choose to do, we'll love and support you!

Luv, Kis

isabela40 · Senior Member

Hi Lisa,

Change the number of kids from 3 to one and change the age a bit and your post could have been written by me, LOL, including the part about living in a duplex your parents own. WOW!

Although we have since moved out of that duplex, and now my Mom lives with us in our home (my Dad has died).

My daughter (my husband adopted her) does not want us to split up either. SIGH! She too adores him, when he is sober or freshly drunk as that is the only times he is in a talkative mood for about the first half hour of his drinking session, then he gets mean and ugly and we clear out.

It is different for everyone, but for me I evaluate each day whether or not it is worth it for me to stay in the marriage, and I consider not only my needs but my daughters as well.

I am divorced from her biological father so I have done the divorced parent thing before and it isn't easy...

I had a hard time working, paying all bills alone, being Mom AND Dad, taking care of the house on the inside and out, doing all shopping, etc.

I see it that I live like a divorced parent, in that I don't have any emotional support, I don't have a partner in life, I don't have someone I can rely on or really talk to, BUT, he does take over some of the more unpleasant duties for me in the household so I have MORE time to be Mom (and Dad pretty much) for my daughter.

If we split up I would not get my emotional needs met, I would not have a partner, I would not have someone to talk to STILL and I would also have to work more hours, mow the lawn and shovel the driveway, do all shopping, etc. which would not leave much time for nurturing myself of my daughter.

Yes, this is not very romantic, but it is reality.

And I don't feel sorry for myself either. I know that people have all sorts of marital problems, not just those married to alcholics. I have a friend whose husband treats her like a queen just about, tons of emotional support and stuff, has no addictions, but can't keep a job...SIGH...at least my husband works steadily.

It depends on what is more important to you. I would prefer a healthy and loving husband who was balanced, but if i had to choose I would rather have a husband who is a hard worker than one who was all touchy feely and did not work.

Be grateful that your husband is still able to work and does not miss work. Many people here deal with all of the hurt you described (lack of emotional support, indifference etc.) AND their husbands don't work on top of that.

My husband used to never miss work for many many years, not a single day, but we have been married for 13 years and he is getting sicker. This year is the first year in all of those years that I have seen him miss work due to drinking. He missed about five Mondays this year due to drinking too much all weekend and Sunday night and simply not being in a condition to get up for work Monday as he was still somewhat anesthatized.

I like the way you put it, as it makes a lot of sense. My husband too does not want to be here, and does not want me here, but also does not want to be alone.

I also live with the "I am to be seen and not heard" stuff, SIGH.

My husband just wants me to cook dinner for him, keep the house clean, keep daughter from talking to him and from being around him and to shut up. That is it.

I also relate to what you said about local meetings. I too found them not to my liking. But, I have found a lot of healing and help here.

When I went to meeting and was sharing afterwards the pain that my daughter feels to have two addicted fathers, someone overheard and walked up to me and said "I think your picker is broken". I took great offense at that. I don't think alanoners should go around quoting insulting slogans.

My therapist told me that this is nonsense. The rate of addiction in this country has been and is still skyrocketing. Chances are very high that most people will either meet, date, or marry some kind of addict. He also told me that many people like my husband, extremely high functioning alcoholics, are very good at hiding it, even from experts. My husband managed to convince our doctor that he was not an alcoholic, and got him to write a letter to our insurance company. Even though our doctor had evidence in front of his face of some liver enzyme tests being off. Most doctors have training in recognizing alcoholics, especially the medical profile of one...and even with all of that training and medical FACTS in front of his face he was taken in by my husband. So, what chance did I have?

My therapist says that it is unfortunate and sad, but even alanoners can be seduced by the "blame the victim" mentality. I get enough of the blame game from my husband. I won't take it from anyone else.

How was I to figure out that the genius scientist (college instructor in his twenties) clean cut, body builder handsome guy could possibly be an alcoholic? Especially when there is NO alcoholism or addiction in my entire family so I did not know the signs (if there were any) or what to look for. My husband never drank in front of me while we were dating, or talked about alcohol. I didn't either as I don't drink. We never lived together before marraige, and dated while in college, so it was easy for him to hide. We had a good old fashioned courtship. Our dates where museums, restaurants, parks, and shopping malls. It is not my fault that he was good at living a lie and was a good con man...

People in alanon are not perfect, but they are unique in a very special way...they understand...

This is where that slogan comes in "take what you like and leave the rest". You can come to alanon for the compassion and understand and tools, and if someone wants to help and somehow says the wrong thing, just overlook it. I have found that even these statements are rooted in a deep caring and desire to help.

Just take one day at a time...

Isabela

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

Alanon meetings 800-351-9996

Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666

Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.