The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is my first time here. I’m not really sure what I want to say. There are so many issues; so many feelings; so much bitterness.
I guess the overwhelming feeling over the past couple of weeks is the feeling of being trapped. The A in my life is my husband. We have four kids and he is the sole breadwinner. I used to think I was lucky to be a stay at home mom. It was best for my kids. But now, in light of the alcoholism, I see that 15 years at home works against me in the work force.
I have no college, no work experience in the last 15 years and fully expect to do no better than a burger flipper at McDonalds. Okay, so fine. I flip burgers and eek out a living for my kids and myself. I can do that. But a greater concern is that my son has a disability that has necessitated the need to home-school him for the past two years. Sending him back to school may be detrimental to him…. Or it may work. How do I get a job and then find out that he needs me full time at home?
I don’t want to get a divorce. I don’t want to stay living this way, either. I want a real husband. Someone who is there for me emotionally. Someone to protect me. Someone who loves me more than he loves the booze. Someone who won’t lie to me. Someone who isn’t emotionally abusive to protect himself and his beloved beverage.
I feel like the drinking is his mistress. He sneaks to be with “her”. Lies to protect “her”. Can’t give “her” up. Would I stay if the mistress was actually a woman? I wouldn’t want to, but the trap I am in is the same either way.
Can’t imagine this is the life God wants for me. I have prayed for years and I have no clear (or unclear for that matter) answer. Silence.
I feel alone, hurt, sad, angry, bitter, helpless, not worthy, unloved, trapped. The list goes on. All in the same vein.
I’ve checked into support groups in the area, but there are none. There are tons of groups for the alcoholic – the one who chooses the behavior daily. But nothing for the one whose situation has been thrust upon them. Interesting.
I know I know. It’s a disease. He’s sick. Poor guy. It’s hard to muster pity for the one who is doing this. The one who has embarrassed me time and time again. The one who continually lies to me. The one who says I’m not a good enough wife for him to quit drinking for. The one who has peed the bed because he was so drunk (an hour after swearing he hadn’t had a drop)
Okay, so you get the idea. I better end this here, or I may not be able to control my venting.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. It is a horrible, sad place to be. The A seems to drag us down into their pit.
My situation is a bit similar to yours. I have been married to my A for 17 years, but 15 of those were spent with both of us drinking. I quit drinking two years ago, and he did not for a while, then spent one year sober (last year). This year, on Jan 10th he promptly became dead drunk again, and the spiral continued downward. I moved out for two months, he begged me to come back, and seemed to be better. Now I am back home, and he is struggling again. I don't want a divorce either, like you, or to sell my house, etc. Finally the kids are gone and we were supposed to be having fun now, you know?
I am fairly new to Alanon, but I can tell you it does help to go to meetings. I can't believe they don't have any support meetings where you are. You are definitely doing the right thing to reach out on this board for help, you can get some wonderful advice.
There are two books I have been reading that are both SAVING my life and my sanity. Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews is a great lifesaver, she knows exactly how to let you know how to attempt to save your own sanity and to take care of YOU right now. Also, the Language of Letting Go.
I will pray for you, Suzanne. It is a horrible nightmare to go through this with someone you really love. I am just now beginning to feel better after the first five months of this year just living in devastation! Keep praying. It does help. Pray to be stronger every moment, and to just get through this day.
Hello and welcome to miracles in progress. I am very happy to meet you. You are not alone, know that most of us here have been exactly in your shoes.
The meetings here are great, please try to join in. Every day 9:00 am and pm eastern time... I look forward to chating with you.
Alcoholics/addicts, are selfish people. They only see what they want to see. Which most of the time is how to con or lie......
I can toatlly understand all the emotions you are having. Just understand, no matter what you say or do he will stop when he is ready and not one moment before that.
You have to get yourself off of the merry-go-round life of addiction and start healing yourself, afterall you have been riding right next to hub........you have to have your own peace of sanity for you and your children....
Alanon works...if you give it a chance. I understsand the financial situation you are in as I have also been there.
Sometimes we just have had enough and can not take anymore.......
Welcome to MIP, always hate to hear of anyone living in a household with the active disease, but glad you have had the courage to seek help for you. Keep looking for those Al-Anon meetings, sometimes they are not as "well-known" as the AA meetings, open AA meetings help also - read the literature, seek heathy recovery friendships - and take care of you.
Keep coming back, there is hope for the hopeless,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thank you for all the responses. It's amazing how good it made me feel just to hear that someone understands. I am feeling much better today. I'm sure you all know how it is. There are just days when I feel depressed and hopeless. While I have no reason to feel any more hopeful today than yesterday, I am not down in the dumps today. I have more of a "take the bull by the horns" mentality.
I searched Amazon for the books that were recommended (thank you) so I should be receiving them soon. I'd also like to join you all at chat. Last night I couldn't load the chatroom page (as I have read others couldn't either. I'll try again). and this morning, well, frankly I slept in.
Thanks again. You truly made me feel welcome and understood.
I am so glad that you are here for you. I have done a lot of work on codependency, love addiction and boundaries. Nevertheless I find this group inspiring, compassionate and really empowering. I am glad that you found this very special place.
