divorce is on again and it's my fault - Al-Anon Family Group

cabma · Member

divorce is on again and it's my fault

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Cabma & children))))

Sometimes HP sends us messages that do not resemble something that we would expect to get from HP.

Hang in there....this might be one of those messages.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello , your fault ?????? I don't think so . Takes two to make it or break it where I come from. Okay so u blew the budget , not a reason for divorce . Any mention of how much is lost on his drug and alcohol abuse ? silly question probaby not! We make mistakes but we are not the reason they do what they do. They drink and use because they have a problem period.regardless of what he says .

I too spent more than I had for yrs anything to make me feel good even if it was for just a few hrs, not right I know but it's a fact. Thanks to Al-Anon I changed and so can you , things I have discovered don't make me happy afterall. Happiness is an inside job they tell me. hehe

Hang inthere find some meetings for yourself and stop beating yourself up, You made mistakes none of us is perfect and u have shown that u are willing to change and make an effort. Keep on doin what your doing and soon debt will be gone. regardless of what happens YOU are not the reason he drinks . Louise

Lindy · Veteran Member

It was so sad to read your post. His crack addiction costs a fortune! Plus crack addicts have nothing to show for it. Don't blame yourself because you spent some money. I had a little spending problem too and I've stopped also. I did realize that I spent money because I was depressed and it made me feel good to have new things and to see my son with new things. My AH and I have all of our money separate. I am trying to catch up on my bills and get caught up too. I work full time and I have a part time job to try to catch up. I consider myself very fortunate to have two jobs in these tough times (rising gas prices, cost of living going up, doubled fees for everything, etc.). If you could do this tactfully, you might want to let the kids know that drug addiction is expensive and this is what it leads to; filing bankruptcy, fighting, depression (which leads to spending) etc. I'm afraid your kids will not see the real problem and think drug addicts have no responsibility for the mess they make of everyone else's life. I'm curious; what state do you live in? Don't blame yourself; your spending is not the problem here, it is simply your reaction to a much more dangerous problem of drug addiction. At least you have something to show for it! His money spent just goes up his nose or smoked into his lungs. My personal opinion is getting a divorce is not that bad. You deserve so much more than what he can give you!

Lindy

rosie light shines · ~*Service Worker*~

boy i just "love" the way people point the finger at US, who are in recovery, OUR faults when they have their crap and NOT in active recovery......

ur fault??? i dont' think so...so ok, u messed up with credit card..... so what is HE doing????? and U R in recovery workin on ur stuff........i think i would detach......take care of me.......keep it basic and focus on my reocvery and let the rest go where it shall go.................take what u can use, leave the rest....rosie

justme · Member

I too spent money when I got depressed or felt hopeless. It made me feel better. It was something new for me to wear, or for my kids or something for my home.

Fast forward to 18 years later. I am stuck with tons of "stuff" that I have to sort through and try to get rid of because of the clutter and I am wanting to sell our house and get one of my own without my A.

Looking at all the money I spent makes me more depressed. All the money I could have saved and used now when I am divorcing.

But I am wiser now. I too am trying to repair my credit so I can be on my own. I have a part time job that I love and my pay is in an account in my name only. Slowly I am paying off my bills (mostly medical). Someone told me to list all my bills in the order of amounts.

Start sending a few dollars to each of them. When I got an extra few dollars put it towards the bill that I owe the least amount to. That will get paid off and then move on to the next least amount all the while sending a few dollars to all of the bills.

Paying off even a small bill, gives you a sort of boost that you are making progress.

Hang in there. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Make one choice at a time and stick to it. Your husband is using emotional abuse to play you out to be the monster.

If you can, explain to the kids plain and simple that you and your husband cannot live together anymore for lots of reasons that have built up over the years. YOur spending has just been the last straw for your husband and his drug addition is the last straw for you. That you and your husband BOTH have screwed up in numerous areas and it is better to seperate then to stay together.

I hope you can pick yourself up. It is hard to see a way out when you are so down. Nothing stays the same forever. One step, one decision, at a time and you will see a difference.

God strengthen you

justme

QOD · ~*Service Worker*~

My AH is a crack addict also. I am a tight wad/penny pincher. I always let my AH handle our finances, unaware of his addiction the he developed 2 years ago. I always pinch every penny & saved constantly. Only to find that we had some credit card debt drowning us and pulling out my saved stash of money to pay it all off. I could never figure out how we were constantly getting into debt until I found out in Nov of his crack addiction. It all makes sense to me now. Sometimes I would get as much as $7000 saved up and then WHAM - all gone just to pay credit card companies.

Right now I am struggling just to pay bills and get nothing saved. My AH has been out of work for almost all of the last 6 months. I am fortunate to have a great full time job that makes pretty good money.....but now where enough to make up for the income my AH used to make. He has been clean and sober for 29 days now but still has no motivation to get a job or make home repairs at home. I am working to sell our house, pay off some of this crappin' debt he has gotten us into and establish a life style that I can support with or without him. But I can tell you, until I kick his butt to the curb, he won't go anywhere b/c I am safe and secure to him. If he has me, he won't have to take responsibility for himself. He knows that. I know that. I have gotten separation papers from my lawyer and know that one day I am going to wake up and say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. You will too.

You hang in there. Chin up. Start working on a plan for yourself and for your kids. You need to make changes in order to improve your situation. Sitting idle waiting for them to change themselves will get you nothing. - HAHAHA I SHOULD TAKE MY OWN ADVICE. LOL!

I know it is easier said than done.....heck I just proved that. I said it but haven't completely done it. But I am working on my plan and one day I will be ready to execute that plan and get on with my life. You can do that too. Everyone here at MIP can help you by giving you support, lending an ear to bend and sharing our experiences so you can learn from them. That is what I am doing.....learning from everyone else's experiences.....taking what I need from shared stories and using it to help sort out my own life. Keep telling yourself "Your are worth it - Time to get happy!"

Good luck & keep coming back.

QOD

cabma · Member

I can see that my spending was a way to make me feel better and that I'm not the only one doing it! When he would be gone, I'd take my kids shopping. I figured I'd make up for the fact that their dad wasn't around. Give them new things to play with or use. Thanks for all your advice.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

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Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

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hightide · Member

I just love how the addicts try to place all the blame on us! My husband is a recovering crack addict. When ever he would try to blame me for his use, or something that I did (such as shopping or taking the kids out to dinner) and threaten to leave, or tell me how sick and tired he was of being the breadwinner in the house and not being able to have a dime---I'd tell him that I worked too WHEN I could, and how taking care of four kids was a full time job in itself, yet I supported him when he was out of work for almost a year, how he robbed our finances for drugs, AND that if he wanted a divorce--let's go get one because in my state--divorcing a drug addict--is instant there is no one year waiting period. I asked him how he thought a judge would respond to me when I told him that I wanted a divorce because of the crack addiction. Well that made him quiet really fast. At that point I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, I was sick of his addiction and didn't feel like I could take it anymore.

One thing I learned through Al-Anon and my other meeting that I attend is that IT IS NEVER OUR FAULTS FOR THEIR USE OR ADDICTION! They will blame anyone and everything only to divert the actual blame off of themselves. When they are ready for help and actually get help, only then to they see that this is their faults alone.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about him getting a divorce just because you may spend a little too much shopping. You can get a divorce because he is an addict--That would look much worse in court on his part. I don't think he should be telling the kids that the house is going to get taken away though--kids have enough to worry about and giving them an adult problem to worry about is not a good parent, in my opinion. It's one thing to explain the reasons for divorce to a child so they know it is not their faults and are not loved any less---but not make them worry more about things they should not be worrying about.

Don't take it seriously that this is your fault and you spend too much---if he added up all that he spent on his addiction--your shopping would most likely look like pocket change to someone else. And at least--what you are spending the money on, is going for postive things, like clothes for the kids. Where is HIS money going?? Exactly!

Wanted to put my 2 cents in

Hightide

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