i was at my f2f tonight and a friend brought up a topic of powerlessness. her son worrying about his father (her ex). and another friend said how nice that she has raised a son who can care deeply and express his feelings. i just love when people can turn our sorrows into joys. it is all in the perspective. as i sat there listening i heard that i need to let my kids have their own experience with their father. the way i see him (as  crack addicted alcoholic who has abandoned his family and abused and neglected us) is not the way they see him. he is their father and they love him. if they are supposed to see him the way i do they will someday. but they are young and they just love him unconditionally. so i will try my hardest to keep hands off their relationship and let god handle it. i will do what i need to. i will not let them be unsupervised with him yet...maybe ever. i will not tell them mean scary things about him. my mother told me all sorts of things about my dad. and it was never the way i saw him. her negativity was not my experience. and today i have alot of resentment towards her. i understand the stress she was under but i will learn from her mistakes. when my middle daughter (7) was crying in my arms because her dad said he was going to be at her dance recital and he wasn't i did not tell her all of the rotten things i could have to turn her pain into hate because i couldn't stand to see her sad. i just held her. i was totally baffled as to what to say. so i just said that he might be there the next night and if he isn't there are lots of people out there who love her very much and have come just to see her dance. i cursed him in my mind but then it seemed silly because he is no longer a real person. he is all disease. i wonder if he is in there somewhere. but i'm not curious enough to really try to look. i say a prayer for all of us and let it go for now. maybe tomarrow will be different. i realize the only reason i am where i am today emotionally is because of the love and acceptence of this program and all of you. i feel safe to say how i feel and think no matter what. i am tired and i am sad. but i don't feel defeated. i stopped fighting and just surrendered. didn't make the hurt go away but it did take off the pressure. this is an incredible program and i feel priviledged to be here with all of you.