The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so stressed, tired, confused. I am working so hard to keep my life from falling completely apart but I feel as if the walls are starting to crumble in around me.
My AH still is not working. It has been almost 4 weeks since he has been home from his last week long binge. He hasn't had a steady job in 6 months. I am struggling to get up every day to go to work myself. I have to get my son to school and my daughter to the sitter's before going to work. Meanwhile my AH sits at home all day feeling sorry for himself.
Granted when I get home in the evenings, he has picked up the house, cleaned the kitchen and sometimes has dinner almost ready but those are all things I CAN do on my own. What I want him to do is make the repairs around the house that need to be made so we can SELL.
My realtor emailed me & said the person who takes the pics of the house for listing will be unavailable in a week and a half so she wants to get her in there next Tues. My house is no where near ready. So I figured I will need to bust butt this weekend on it. BUT then my sister called & reminded me of plans I had made w/our mother for Sat. If I cancel on my mom, she will be devastated. Not only do I not have the time for these plans but I don't have the money either.
On top of all that, I have Chronic Dry Eye and my doc put in plugs in my tearducts yesterday for it. Well they were rubbing my eyeballs raw. So I had to go in today to have them removed and will be going back in next week for a different style plug.
I am falling behind on the bills now and everyone seems to need something from me. I am starting to feel so desperate. When I get home in the evenings, my AH expects me to be in a good mood, have sex, be cheery and relax.....but this is hard....and I feel like I have to pretend like everything is fine so he won't get stressed and feel the urge to go binge on crack. I just want to yell at him and smack him so he will snap out of his little world. I want to say GET OFF YOUR BUTT & GET A FREAKIN JOB ALREADY! AND GET THESE REPAIRS DONE! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! But I can't b/c any time I say the slightest little thing to him like, "How was your day today? What did you do?" He gets his butt on his shoulders and tells me to quit riding him about crap. It is like he has chosent o ignore all the problems he has created for our family.....living in some dream world like everything will resolve itself....that one day soon everything that has gone wrong will somehow fall back into place w/out any effort on his part.
A couple of weeks ago, after I talked to a divorce lawyer and he confronted me about it, we decided to give our marriage & his recovery another chance. He has been affection and loving and trying really hard as far as that end of things go....but the whole not working and not fixing the house is starting to wear my patience thin. It is almost as if he thinks that giving me all of this attention will make me forget that he is unemployed and that I am having to struggle every day to pay bills & keep food in the house. Like I am a kid and he can kiss my booboos away. How do I tell him otherwise w/out sending him reeling backwards? He is so defensive any time I try to approach the subject. "Don't kick a man when he is down!" "Don't you think I know I need to get a job?" "I am depressed and down in the dumps right now and trying to come out of it. Give me some time."
Ugghh!! I sometimes find myself wanting to just give him the separation papers and say GO! Do what ever it is you want to do with your life but I am not going to work my butt off to support a deadbeat. Isn't that horrible?
I love this man with all of my heart. I just cannot stand living this way.
Thanks for listening. It should have helped to get it all off my chest but I still feel like I am spinning out of control.
i know that feeling and i hate that feeling. it got so bad that i just wanted to drop dead rather than have to deal or try to figure out how to deal. i was at my bottom then and i had to surrender. i gave it all up to god because i just couldn't figure it out. then things started to get better. more managable. i took it one thing at a time. what did i have to do today so that the kids would be taken care of and i could feel some peace. and then i did that. someone posed to me the other day that if it doesn't affect my breathing how important is it? and i reminded myself on a minute by minute basis that i cannont control him. whatever i did could not make him go out again. i knew this to be true because he went out when we were happy, he went out when we were fighting, he went out after we had wonderful heart to heart conversations about our love and our children. nothing i did could stop him from what he was going to do. unfourtantly and fortunatly i am not that powerful. i know how hard it is to remember that. especially when "they" are telling us that it is up to us to keep them sober and happy. until we quit that job it is ours. but we will never be sucsessful at it. you came to the right place. just keep letting it out and doing the next best thing. much love and peace
I could so relate with what you are saying here. For so many years I did everything in my house. When my husband got sober I automatically expected him to take over some things. When he didn't I got bitter and angry all over again. My sponsor reminded me that simply put he didn't have a clue. It was for a while like teaching a child. There are still days when he doesn't do as I think he should. And there are still some important things that he just will not get involved with - which at times irritates me.
However, I found that I need to focus my attention on me and what I have to do only. I leave him a honey-do list. If he doesn't do it - I don't either. I refuse to continue to pick up his messes - figuratively and literally. I won't overwhelm myself with his misgivings and behaviors.
Take things one day at a time and put first things first. Set boundries for yourself and above all take some time each day to take care of yourself.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I just wanted to say, as a mother...If I knew one of my kids were going through what you are, I would not expect them to meet my needs as well. In fact, I would feel really bad if I found out that they were with me just because they thought I wouldn't understand. I suggest you give your Mom a call :)
There is nothing wrong with being honest with your A. If he thinks anything you mention is "riding his a$$", that's his problem. You can't control his feelings or be expected to walk on eggshells because of them.
Saying that you just can't do it all and really need some help (with money, kids and house repair) is honest. Heck, it's depressing to you too!! Is anyone there walking on eggshells so you won't be upset?
The one thing that has always irked me is the excuses. Lord knows A's have a million of them. A long time ago I was a single Mom with 2 babies on my hips. I left due to abuse when my youngest daughter was 1 month old. Depressed? I wanted to friggin die and I was scared to death. But you know what? I didn't have an option to sit on the pity pot. NO ONE was going to take care of me and my girls. I HAD to get up every day at 4:30 a.m., get those babies dressed and to the sitter (in winter in Michigan) and be at work by 6:00 a.m. Work all day, pick up kids, fix dinner, play with them, put them to bed and then it would all start over again. Day after day, at 21 I had no life, just work and babies.
I guess my point is.. Since no one took care of me, I had to take care of myself. I'm not saying you are enabling by any means. But the fact remains, in a different situation, if his children were hungry and you didn't have an income for him to count on, perhaps he wouldn't be so focused on his depression as an excuse.
If in fact it is that debilitating to him, seeking a Dr's help may be a good idea so he can move on.
(geez, I'm ornery today..lol)
just my .02 cents Christy.
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Keep you head up and your eye on the the finish line. You cannot let him suck the life out of you, you have to stay on track, do the best that you can with what you have and trust that the HP will povide no matter what happens with the house and him.
Can you explain to your Mom your deadlines coming up? Or would it do you more good to just go and get away from it all for the day?
Take your time and think things through, it always seems desperate while you are living it.
Hugs, Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Darlin, you are taking all the responsibiity of everone and nobody can do that....He is a grown man and no matter what you do or say to him will cause him to use crack...It may give him the excuse he was looking for....but my dear, if he wants to use he will, it absolutely has not one thing to do with you..
Why not tell him to find a job, he is living there......
Addicts are selfish people, he is still working you...sorry to be so harsh, in my opinion this is what is going on.....I lived this life a long time....
Just get your feelings out, not mean, just mean what you say...and let things fall where they may..keep working on you....stay strong and take it slow....
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR RESPONSES!!! I appreciate all the advice & support....and you can never be to harsh w/me....tell me like it is. Sometimes I need a slap in the face to make me see the truth in situations. Thanks Again Everyone.
