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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Please just leave!
Post Info TOPIC: Please just leave!
mf310


Newbie

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Please just leave!
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So what if I just want her to go away?  And thus begins my rambling for the day.


Should I ignore the drinking?  Yep.  Do I?  Nope.  Why?


Here's the issue I have with letting her "get away" with the drinking.  Like many stories I've seen here, she denies drinking even when it's obvious that she has been.  She passes out on the couch, then wakes up the next day and has been "blessed" with the ability to not be affected in the morning (why can't she get the same kinds of hangovers I get?). 


So when I don't say anything about her behavior, then the drinking is more frequent because she's getting away with it.


I think I if I had my way, she'd figure it out and say, "You know what?  This isn't working.  I'm going to leave".


But that doesn't happen, so why won't I leave?  Because she can't afford the house and I'm not going to lose it.  That's pretty much what I have to hang onto now. 


Today she told me "but I'm not drinking".  I told her that I'm not mowing the lawn.  That doesn't mean that I won't do it again, just that I'm not doing it at the moment.  I mowed the lawn on Sunday.  I'll mow it again.  She drank on Sunday.  You finish the story.


Her latest "proposal" was that she will do 30 meetings in 30 days.  THIS is what will get her on the road to recovery.  This time it will work.  This time, it's different because ___________.  Yeah.  Sure it is.  If you're reading this, you know the drill.


This time she says if she doesn't quit drinking, she'll pack up and leave.  She won't, of course.  But that's today's story.  She says she understands why I don't believe her, but it's lip service.  She knows the words to say but really doesn't understand why I don't believe it.  In fact, I'm not even promising that 30 days will make any difference - her "record" is 140. 


She'll be sober for a week or two, then hit the bottle again.  I'd almost rather that it were constant drinking than the whole yo-yo thing.  At least then you know who you're coming home to, right?  Because she can be pretty terrific sober.  The real shame is that I'm not even giving her the chance to do be pretty terrific sober anymore.


And (again, familiar tune) it's more the lying than the drinking.  Frankly I don't care if they go hand in hand.  I just know that I can't live with someone I can't trust.  So I continue the cycle despite knowing what I'm "supposed" to do.  One day, I'll get her out of here (now I sound like her). 


And the reason I don't toss her to the curb?  Because I'm fairly certain that she's got no shot without me carrying her.  Sounds egocentric, but it's true.  I just have to finally figure out that I'm not responsible for her life - let her hit rock bottom, etc. etc.  I guess in my mind, if I'm the one who kicks her out, then I really am responsible. 


Sorry for the rambling.  Just another one of those days.  Been there, done that, right? 



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Rita G


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1491
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welcome home,


you have found a new home here - a safe place.  Hopefully, you will find the hope and help that we have found here, in face to face Al-Anon meetings, reading literature and working with another in this fellowship. 


Hope that you have an Al-Anon meeting close that you will be able to attend, ask for some pamphlets on this disease, but most of keep coming back, there is help, help for you . . .


One Day at a Time,


Rita


 



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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK - teamwork.gif
brownie


Member

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Posts: 13
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I know just how you feel. I'm going through something similar myself. Don't know which way to turn. My partner is and alcoholic he has been on detox for 1 month. Now I don't know what is going on one minute he is fine that it's as if he's drunk again. Saying he hasn't had a drink. Then he is like a mad man. Saying I don't care anyway. I love him that like you is why I don't kick him out. If I did that he would end up in a gutter somewhere. Surely I cannot keep thing that. He should be able to sort out his own life. I have to work all day he doesn't. He sleeps during the day then gets like this at night causing me to feel sick. not eating or sleeping. I'm going to make myself ill but what can I do. It's hard.

Take Care

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Alison Bottomley
katrina2000


Member

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Posts: 11
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wow....are you in the right place.  I lived that way for five years.  Finally I just snapped.  When he didn't come home because he'd passed out on his girlfriends couch, I just knew I couldn't do it anymore.  It wasn't just the drinking and the lieing, it was the cruel mind games that he played.


 


Just know that you are not responsible for anything she does.  You can't cure it or control it.  As long as you allow it, it will control you.  When you are ready you'll make the right decision for yourself.  Just keep coming back....


katrina



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Katrina DeGraff
brownie


Member

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Posts: 13
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Yes it is mind games they are playing with you. My OH said I'm not violent toward you so how can I be hurting you. I love you. I just think why treat me this way then. I've not done anything wrong to him

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Alison Bottomley
rtexas


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1371
Date:
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mf310,


I can really relate to your post, I felt exactly like that 4 months ago.  3 months ago I started coming to Al-Anon and I am looking at it a little differently now.  There are still days that she threatens to leave and I say to myself... fine, do that!


I am in exactly the same situation as you money wise.  The house is in my name, and only I can really pay for it.  She works but barely enough to get an apartment and make ends meet.  I don't really have an option to leave without selling the house.


But I will tell you what that did for me.  I went to meetings, did a lot of reading and have posted some of my frustrations here and have learned alot about myself that I wouldn't have known otherwise.


I have realized that even though she gets drunk every single day and some days she is in a better mood than others, that my feelings and my thoughts are truely mine to control.  I knew that a long time ago, but somewhere along the line I based the success of my day on how she felt.  I knew that was wrong but did it anyway until I was just nutty as a fruitcake.


I hope that you have meetings for yourself in your area.  Posting here is a real godsend to me so I hope you continue with that as well.  You are not alone.


Take care of you!


 



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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
canadianguy


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2962
Date:
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Wow... does your post ever bring back tons of memories for me..... Your are literally ME, about seven years ago....


The answers for you are the answers for all of us.... you are sick and unhealthy from her alcoholism, and you need to get help for YOU, not her. 


"She will either drink or she won't..... what are YOU gonna do?"


I was the same person.... felt sorry for myself, was an expert at playing the martyr, or victim, or whatever worked at the time...  I found lots of people out there who would feel sorry for me, but when I finally got honest with myself, I realized that NONE of that was helping me get better and healthier myself.


Al-Anon can do great things for us, if we embrace our recovery...  Her alcoholism is "swallowing you up" right now, and you are worth so much more.  I hope you can choose recovery for you...


Take care


Tom



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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 
babysteps


Senior Member

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Posts: 301
Date:
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I too can relate to your situation. Through al-anon I have learned to release my anger and resentment toward my ah. In terms of his success at recovery, I expect nothing. I have asked him not even to say things such as, "I am not going to drink for a week," or "I am going to a meeting every day this week." That way, I can't be let down. I don't ask him if he has been drinking or if he has gone to a meeting. Finally he understood that action speaks louder than words. I work on myself, and he works on himself. It takes a long time, but you can find happiness in spite of her problems. Good luck, find a meeting, read the books. It works if you work it. God bless

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rosie light shines


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 729
Date:
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i agree with katrina.....


i abused alcohol for my trauma and now i am in RECOVERY...working the program cuz my drunken mom wouldn't  protect me from my predatory father,  AND


i married a drunk and we split after 12 years, cuz i wanted to get into recovery and he did not......it was hard,  splitting with him,  but i had to.....the lies/ promises/  bulls*** i had enuf of......


i think my first Ex cheated on me, so i kicked him to the curb sooner.....this last one i dont' think did,  but oh the promises,   "we will get into recovery--work on our stuff---straighten out"   well i am but he did not...STILL is drinking....so i am glad i broke up with him


i did this cuz it was right for me.....u will do what is right for u,  but KNOW that u r NOT responsible for her drinking.....and maybe u can still get rid of her, and NOT lose ur house,.....god i feel for u cuz i was THERE...my first ex  cost me a lot,   wrecked MY new car,    lost $$ cuz of him......so i know how u feel........friends in recovery, rosie



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rosie light shines
MdmDragonfly


Member

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Posts: 17
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Oh, wow, can I relate. BUT, my A bf was a totally active A, there were no days when he wasn't drinking. Finally I told him to go. I couldnt take the madness anymore. I had to let him live with the consequences of his own making. One of which was my not being able to take any more. How hard was that? OMG, the hardest thing I ever had to do. It actually took many times of my making him leave and then letting him come home... I guess I was the one with the yo-yo, huh? What finally happened is that he is in rehab at this very moment. But, that is how OUR situation went. Who knows how it will turn out? I can't pretend to know how yours will turn out. Just wanted to share that I know what you are going through and hope that you find some peace. Glad you are here.

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Faith makes things possible; it does not make them easy.
nycbt


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 810
Date:
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Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.


 


World Service Organization Website –


WWW.al-anon.alateen.org


Phone number is 1-888-425-2666


Alanon meetings 800-351-9996


Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666


Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.


Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html 


Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.



  • Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

  • post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

·        Set support system.  people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.



  • Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.


 


Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.



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Hey everyone watch me grow. I go thru good & bad times. each day i am getting stronger.
Elizabeth M


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 68
Date:
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It amazes me how similar all our stories are...Circumstances different but the feelings conflicts confusion despair disgust all there....on this site you will find comfort from knowing you are not alone...you will find wisdom tucked into many of the responses..I am new to all this but already I know this site and f2f meeting are the way to get relief and a plan for peace.


My AH is also great sober but I too am having trouble seeing that lately...too much hurt too raw...There is always tomorrow...one day at a time ...let go let God....serenity comes from within...WELCOME



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