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Living with an active alcoholic has forced me to have a plan B .. This week we are planning to go on a family vacation. Knowing the caos that I am living in I have a plan B.. The kids and I drive and go alone. Well, today 2 days before we are suppose to leave all you know what hit the fan and now, we are resulting in PLAN B.. Going alone...
I received a call from my son this morning ( he's 17 and apparently my husband and my son were fighting ) well, my son called and was in tears... I tried to talk with my husband and he just SCREAMED at me said a few words then said that is it him or me.. ( he is my sons biological father, although you wouldnt know it by his actions ) Today we were suppose to go to our counseling apt.. I went he didnt show up.. suprise.. .. I came home to more of the same and now he is packing up and going on his OWN vacation. I am sad, but angry at the same time.. I want a happy family but there isnt one here. Not anymore, if ever. I want so desperately to be happy, to really be happy !! The kids are okay with it, in fact they said .. we will have more fun without him anyway Mom.. But inside, i am dissapointed, in my life, in the situation, in my husband and in me for being disapointed. I think deep inside i knew it would be this way just hoped it wouldnt..
So now what ??? He leaves I am assuming tomorrow although he may leave tonight who knows.. I am here to have the dogs cared for, to get everything ready to leave.. ( UGH ) Again, it all falls on me !!
Did you ever want to fast forward a few months when the pain would get easier ? That is what I want to do, i know it has to be like this but MAN it stinks..
My A used to sabatoge us too if it was something he didn't really want to do. Seemed all was well, he would help plan and then the bottom would fall out. My thought was always that he would have to keep his drinking in check around the kids and if he sabatoged us at the last minute he could be alone and drink as much as he wanted.
You just have a great time with your kids, they're gone before you know it anyway. As far as it all falling on you....Just say OK, Dad's not going, I need some help. Figure out what you want the kids to do to help and designate it.
Have a wonderful time! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You know, I have been with my A for two years. I have five children, only one of them is his. He never even made it to the baby's birth ... I drove myself to the hospital ...
Then it came to me that I relied on him for so much and got let down so much... why rely on him at all. I started making plans for me and my kids and gave him the 'option' of going with us.. kind of like a 'guest'. If he decided not to go or participate, so be it. I started trying to live my life as I would had I been single. Take care of everything on my own, handle all the situations on my own because I learned that by expecting him to live up to his responsabilities was just setting myself up for a let-down. If something needed to be done, I either did it myself or hired/found someone else to do it that could.
It is very 'freeing' to let go of the unrealistic expectations that I put on my A bf. He was not capable of living up to them, he couldnt even take care of himself, so how could I expect him to help me take care of anything else? Having a plan B is a good plan... but try to make him being included the plan B and Plan A will be just you and the kids. It will work out better that way and you wont feel so let down..
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Faith makes things possible; it does not make them easy.
I grew up in an alcoholic home with an A dad. The kinds of scene you described with your husband would also happen in our home right before a vacation. It's like the blow-up let him off the hook or something. It was hard for the whole family when this happened, and sure squashed the joy out of the vacation. At the time, it was hard for me in my family to see that I had choices, but through this board I've discovered that I do, and it's been a lifesaver!
For my own plan "B's" these days, I find it helpful to brainstorm a plan B, C, D, and E (This was an idea on the board a while back, to brainstorm five choices). I brainstorm five plans, and I find that as I get down to plan E, I've actually come up with a plan that really excites and seems fun and pleasurable, and I've really CHOSEN for myself what I want to do. I am not just taking the "left-over, less fun plan" that the A has "forced me into" by throwing up a fuss, and leaving me in a lurch.
The difference between plan B and E, for me, are often small things. For a vacation it might be: to order room service, to sleep in, to walk on the beach, to sit and watch the waves, to get a really good meal, to get a massage. I chose a few things that I think will really make a difference and help me feel cared for and relaxed.
I hope you and your kids have a wonderful vacation! You deserve it! Be good to you!
tammy - lots of ((((hugs))))) for you. i was so surprised to read in your post that your ah gave you the ultimatum me or him with your 17 year old son. mine did the exact same thing with our 17 year old son. i guess it is true that they will find any reason so that they can go drink. my heart truely goes out to you. you are so great to have a plan b - please try to enjoy it with your kids - you all deserve it. remember - it is all about him why he isn't there - you and you kids with your plan b will have a more peaceful time - kudos to you for plan B! - luv quest
i know what it's like to plan something and it's like they sabatoge it almost and your left to pick up the pieces, and you go alone with the kids and in a sense have to pretend this all normal (but we know it's not). i did that for years. but what i hated the most was coming home to her and she would fight with me and say i ruined everything and how dare i go and leave her behind and have a good time (yeah cuz i really just left her behind mind you she would slam on the brakes on the freeway from the passanger side then hop out and endanger everyone around her, and she didn't stay behind because i made her she was where she wanted to be!) and really did any of us have a good time? it was always a dark cloud hanging over us in a sense kind of a threat really and early in our relationship i would go home and wait. but only in vain, and i learned it wasn't about me or anything i did but it was about her and what she needed for her. what i found and learned and started doing was making plans and vacations around her, at least she couldn't put the dark cloud over us, because she wasn't supposed to be there, and when she got upset i pointed out all her other absences and i couldn't count on her being there. it still hurt but at least i found i had a good time and so did my kids because we went in knowing she wouldn't be there, and the few times she came well that was just a bonus. so next time instead of planing something with him, plan it around him, and you guys go and have fun and relax. it's hard the first time but it does get easier and you will enjoy yourselves, at least more then you do worrying about it all then watching it fall apart.
