I need tough love with my son - Al-Anon Family Group

Strengthwithin · Newbie

I need tough love with my son

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Suri))))

My son is older than your son. He is an alcoholic. Don't know if any drugs are involved yet.

You have surely come to the right place. Share your fears here. So many people can help you to deal with life no matter what is happening. It isn't going to make your son better but it will sure help you.

I need to have tough love with my son too. It is so hard because even though he is 35 he acts like a teenager.

I have been told many times that I need to let my son hit bottom. I need to let him suffer consequences. If I enable him...he may never hit bottom. However, while they are going down to the bottom we need to have the tools to take care of ourselves and leave them to their lives and to clean up their own messes.

Just typing out this message to you is helping me deal this morning. It has been a terrible couple of days and I have not been able to let it go. I believe that my HP gives me signs on what I have to do. I believe this posting of yours is exactly what I needed to read and post on. Thank you Suri and HP. I also believe that you need to hear my message to you. Pray for the strength to accept whatever it given you and ask your HP to take your son, speak to him and guide him down another path.

I will be praying for you and your son.

Your friend in recovery...Gail

Strengthwithin · Newbie

Thank you for your nice message. Keep in touch, I have to leave for work, but I look forward to chatting with you further.

Takecare of YOU,

Suri

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

Alanon meetings 800-351-9996

Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666

Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

artemis · Newbie

i'm new too. my son is 20 and a narcotics addict. he was in wilderness camp. boarding school ,a ranch program. i thought he's been clean for the past three years. he lives in florida i live in ohio.my ex husband lives there.my son is a computer tech for my ex's business. he recently got his ged and his microsoft certification and he's talking about going to college.my son always has a hard time following through with things so i spent a week and then i stayed an extra five days to help him tie up loose ends. i found pills.He preferred vicoden and those types of pills to heroin but heroin was a lot cheaper in ohio.he told me he never really quit. that explains why he has no money ever. why he chooses the same loser friends he choose in ohio.that's why it takes him forever to do anything. he's on anti depressents and stimulants for a d d. no wonder these meds don't work. the narcotics add a different level to all of it. there isn't a darn thing i can do. it's really horrible.i just found them a week ago and i can barely function. we can just hope that these young men get their lives together. it's up to them.lots of prayers .

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Suri, I cannot imagine your pain. Having an addicted child with whom we must be tough has to be one of the hardest things in the world to go through. I have no advice to give you, but I do offer you encouragement by way of prayers and positive thoughts. AlAnon can help you deal with this terrible situation by teaching you how to take care of YOU so that you can remain strong for him. Make sense? It really works if we give it a chance. Find meetings near you and please go. Come back here often where you will find caring people who can relate to you and be here for you.

With caring and concern, Diva

patience · Member

Wow, I too have a son who is 27 and addicted to crack, vicodine and anything else. He's been in rehabs, jail, has a felony record so he can't get a decent job due to the background checks, he has drained our finances to the point that we had to sell our home...he lived with us about 8 months during his divorce that we paid for, has a son that we took care of with each visitation, complains, gripes, argues with every member of the family until two of my kids moved out leaving only the youngest. The yelling, fighting, cussing got so intense that my daughter and I had to leave. My husband is also addicted to pain meds and was giving them to my son. The two of them could not have a conversation - all they talked about were pills. My son has wrecked two cars and stomps and cries that we ruined his life and we owe him, blah blah blah.

AFter leaving in February, they had to move in with my husband's mom. Nothing has changed in their pill taking behavior. They come over to my apt and expect me to cook for them and my husband thinks I'm cruel and a horrible mother to have left. Tough love is tough on you, Mom. It is such a guilt trip. Like right now, my son is behind on child support payments by about $640. I refuse to pay it and so does his father (but he probably will). It is hard because I know (1) he will probably go to jail and (2) I won't get to see my grandson.

I have had to tell my son not to come to my apartment anymore because I left due to his drug addictions and behavior. He said he hated me and I'd never see my grandson again. But when my son is around me, he yells and goes through my house opening drawers and trying to smoke in my house which I don't allow...all the while telling me "You are weird" "I hate you" "You're an idiot" or worse. He has no respect for me or my things or my daughter. He has threatened to burn my house down (when I lived there) while I was sleeping and he has threatened to tear up my sister's house (he worked for her until she had to fire him for doing drugs on site)...He has made threats that he would "silence" his grandmother...and my husband keeps feeding him pills or giving him money or cars. I had to get away and it hurts so bad.

Be tough and just know that if you give in to them, you'll regret it and you know it. They don't change. It doesn't help them. My son, too, acts like a 14 year old. It is a living nightmare and I sympathize with you sooooo much.

This place has helped me unload and reading other posts has helped me see that I am not alone.

Here's an Al-Anon saying: Let go and let God. It helps me sometimes.

April306 · Member

My son age 31 has also been in every treatment facility imaginable, including one entire year in wilderness camp. He has been in and out of prison for many years, and is currently in prison now. Everything you all said is the exact experiences my husband and I have endured for too many years. I am going to alanon meetings locally but so far feel too new at this and so I am very much afraid of the pain to come when he is out of prison. I really don't quite understand fully yet what is or isn't expected of a parent (or grandparent) in this situation. I will keep working on the program and praying and reading your posts...and praying, and praying.

God Bless All Us Mothers

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

Alanon meetings 800-351-9996

Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666

Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.
post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

Strengthwithin · Newbie

Hi Gail...How are you doing? I have been doing pretty good. Trying to take care of myself.

Are you on any other support groups that help?

Suzi

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

Suzi

I sent you a private message

justme · Member

Suri,

My heart is broken for you. I am in a similar situation with 2 of my oldest children.

My daughter (32 years old) is an alcoholic. She has lost her sons and a daughter.

She has lost the best husband she could ever find. She still doesnt see she needs help.

I also have a son (26 years old). A drug addict. He as stolen everything of value from our home from right under our eyes. He has been in and out of jail for burglary. Came close to rehab once but ran away. He has been a handful since he was 8 years old. Lying mostly, stealing. then the drugs came along and it was all downhill after that.

Right now he is living somewhere out of state. Calls me now and then to say "I love you" Just to hear his voice makes my heart break. He is such a fun, loving , compassionate kid. Beautiful to have around but only when he is off the drugs. Deep inside is just a little boy. Why did this happen? Don't know. Why is it continuing? Don't know. I have tried every avenue I know of to help this kid. Love him with all my heart, but love doesnt cure him. He likes that world and I dont think he wants out.

My daughter on the other hand, never calls, I never see her. She is in her own world. She left us a long time ago and is lost to us for now. Cant get through to her either. She had such a good marriage, family, life. I dont know why.

And I deal with my A who is their father. He has handed down the disease. I am so angry sometimes but that doesnt help either.

I still have 2 daughters at home that have a chance of avoiding this disease and so far have.

These are the 2 I can put my energy into and encourage them because they arent going that way.

Keep your chin up. We are not failures as parents. Our kids have their own free will and we cant change their choices. They are adults now, even if they dont act like it .

The hardest part is letting go. and then watching them suffer. They dont realize that we suffer too along with them. But we have to stay out of it. They have to stand on their own. I wont be here forever to bail them out. They need to bail themselves out starting now.

God strengthen you

justme

mel123 · Senior Member

Hi suri,

I too have a son who has an addiction problem. He is currently in a Teen Challenge program....it's a Christian program to help those with drug and alcohol addiction. My son is 20, had his birthday in the program. It is not a traditonal rehab program. Anyway, I also know your pain....it is so hard when it is your child. My son is doing well, working hard at getting better. The program is a year long, divided into 2 phases. He is nearly finished with the first phase, which is 3 months. He doesn't want to complete the year, but we are hopeful he will decide that would be the very best. We have seen such positive changes and are very encouraged. For the first time ever, he is expressing his feelings and emotions, and really communicating. I will pray for you and your son. We had to enforce some tough love on our son too, before he finally saw his need to get help. We asked him to leave our home......he had no money, no car, no phone, etc. Hardest thing we've ever done as parents, but necessary. I will pray that God will help you set some boudaries and stick to them. This is a horrible disease that affects the entire family, but in the midst of all of it, there is still hope. And I will pray, God will give you hope!

Blessings....mel123

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.