The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've just hung up the phone w/ my A. He is high again. He's used more per diem money to pay for his drugs. This time, there is no paycheck to cover it. He is supposed to have the money tomorrow for the crew going out of town.
I told him that when he wanted to get well to let me know. Not just words, but actions. I'm not sure I have the strength to stand by those words. I'm praying, I'm praying for the strength.
I'm trying to find humor in the fact that he, the addict, has a roof over his head, a vehicle to drive, food in his apartment, a job and money (sometimes) and me and his children are going to be evicted, have little food, have the tow truck circling the house like a vulture for the car and I can't find a job. Trying to find humor in the appearance that I've been more sick than him.
I'm so lost and scared and praying for guidance and support...and I know He's there...I just wish I understood what was being said/shown to me.
A's leave us bankrupt -- financially, emotionally, spiritually, etc. With this program, you are not alone. You can begin building your own foundation, one day at a time.
yours in recovery, Maria
Please keep coming. As other's have said in the past "Don't leave before the miracle"
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I have found in my darkest times if I truely believe everything will be taken care of ...it will. Believe that you will find a job, believe you will have food, believe you will not be evicted....it will be okay, it will all work out, beleive...
If I had a penny for every time I utter words like yours ! I would be rich. I am still not rich, but life has definetly gotten better in the last few years. Like others have said, trust in your HP. Faith is Fear thats said its prayers !
Hugs, Prayers, and Love go out to you and yours !
Aly
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If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will get what you've always gotten !
Thank you all so much for your responses. I don't plan on leaving Al-anon - there is a miracle, it is me and I'm working on it - I want the peace within myself. I'll work as hard as it takes and then some to receive that gift.
I'm still absorbing a lot of what has been said to me today. Even A has said "You know it isn't me you're talking to, right?" I haven't much of an answer to that. He wants me to excuse his behavior and words by blaming the disease and I refuse to participate in that game. He tells me he loves me and I simply respond with "I love the sober-you".
My mother told me a long while ago that he was an emotional, spiritual and mental vampire; sinking his teeth into me and sucking me dry of all I had. Of course at the time I defended him as any co-dependent would. ha ha It is true though...it was true then, it is true now. However - I have backed up and tried to be like a duck whereas water just rolls off it's back. A has said some pretty harsh things today and I amazingly didn't go off the deep end. He said them trying to make me lose my temper, trying to show he has control of my emotions. He did not succeed. Like I said, I refuse to participate. Sure - it still hurt - but I'm processing everything now and will get it all straight - the pain won't be as harsh.
My A stands to lose everything right now. He will most likely lose his job tomorrow morning. His boss may likely report him - but I have no faith in that. If he does get reported for the drug use or the theft, he'll get arrested for these things as well as probation violation and serve a minimum of 18 months in prison. I'm still shocked when I talk about MY "husband" and probation in the same sentence...this certainly isn't how I ever envisioned my own life. Me - white picket fence, 2.3 children, dog, cat, etc....However, I'm accepting this life I have and recognizing that I do have the power to change it and will continue to put forth the effort to effect that change....
Thank you all....I'm sure I'll ask for your E,S & H again in the future. Knowing I am not alone is so very helpful. I hate that I have to share this in common with anyone...but knowing and feeling that I am not the solitary person in this world to go through this does certainly help.
Well, I know I just wrote - but I just got another call - and am losing it - to myself - not where A notices.
He just told me he is getting ready to do heroin, free-base cocaine (?) and crack as well as crystal meth and follow it up by finishing his bottle of Smirnoff. (Heroin is something he has never done before...)
I belive he's telling the truth because I can hear the guy(s) in the background "cheering" him on. Very disturbing. A truly thinks he cannot die. Unfortunately - I think the only way he is going to figure out he can is to actually do it - to actually die.
My prayers are continuing....and I probably should not have included all this here - but I can't just keep it in either. I feel like I'm going to explode emotionally. Thank you for understanding, thank you for being here.
I know that things seem really desperate right now, but please start looking into community resources that you can tap into, for the short term, while you have time to get some long term solutions.
As far as you getting evicted...
Did you know that there are work at home jobs that you can do right now where you would not need child care?
One of my former jobs was as a child care consultant. I helped women set up child care centers in their home. These woman were often the victim of addicted spouses who had dumped them, and they had few job skills and were also facing being homeless.
So, they used the skill that they had learned over the years as a mom, child care.
In this way they could still care for their own children, did not even need a car to work, and many states will subsidize your food bill for your child care children AND YOU and your OWN CHILDREN. In my state, Ohio, the state subsidizes healthy meals for ALL of the children under your care during your work hours (including your own children, even ones too old for needing supervision) and yourself. The state rationalizes that they want you and your children to eat the same healthy food that you feed the children as an example to them. They don't want to get into the whole argument that you cannot afford healthy food for your family, and so eat junk in front of the day care children. I know many women who get ALL of their food bill subsidized, even on the weekends as you are allowed to be open in your child care 7 days a week. Many women I knew did full time care during the week, and "drop-in" care on weekends. Meaning that they would watch the kids while the parents went out on an as needed basis.
I have helped many many woman go from sheer desparation with eviction notices hanging over their heads and empty cupboards into home business owners.
My organization evern provided training and support, many do.
If you lived in Ohio I could let you know the laws and could help you get started.
If you don't live in Ohio, contact your local health and human services agency. Or, if there is a child care resource agency in your area, that would be the place to go.
Wherever there are people there is a need for child care. Most people prefer a licensed home to a center.
My home daycare clients were always full and the few openings that opened up where snatched right away. Daycares always had openings...
Ok, your first step should be your local library. They can direct you to local resources for rent money, and food to get you settled for the short term, there are ALWAYS AGENCIES THAT HELP WOMEN LEFT ALONE WITH CHILDREN!!! You may have to keep looking until you find them. The Red Cross also often provided SHORT TERM help, or can tell you which agency does. Then, find the numbers for the health and human services office, or your local child care resource office.
Having a home day care is not so hard if you have a good schedule. I can help you with that too.
Many women are finding it he perfect solution to working at home and not having to put their own children in daycare.
You are not alone in your struggles and we care and can help.
There were times in my marriage, when I was between jobs and my daughter was too sick and needing too much care for me to work that I had to take her to local soup kitchens for meals when my husband refused to give me any grocery money, refused to buy any groceries, and went himself out to restaurants to eat to get me back for calling him an alcoholic.
I hung in there and things got better...things will for you too.
You and your children are in my prayers...
Much Love,
Isabela
PS If you have more questions about the home day care idea, feel free to PM me...
