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Well, my A has decided to go to rehab on Monday. We went and got everything set up on Friday and they got him a bed asap. He'll be gone for at least 28 days. He has cut off contact with his drinking buddies and is having his dad and another AA friend take him to the rehab.
BUT, this weekend has been Hell so far. I know he is committed to going, but I think he is drinking 3 times as much as usual. All he does is cry and apologize and cry and I think I am losing my mind as fast as he is losing his! I am trying to be 'strong' and supportive and reassuring, but OMG, this is hard! He is scared, he keeps telling me that. Of a lot of things... that I will not wait for him, that I will not be able to handle him sober, that he will not be able to continue to be sober when he gets out... and I don't know what to say or do. He has spoken to his AA friends a couple times when he felt he was really losing it and they have helped a bit, but he is just so sad and depressed. And I am exhausted.
I want to join in the crying jags! But, I can't because I am too busy trying to explain to the kids what is going on, make sure they are not scared and try to help A make it through till Monday morning. OMG, I am so tired. He is only sleeping maybe 2 hours a night and he is up for the other 22 wanting to talk, be reassured, etc. I have 5 kids, one of which is only 2 months old and I am soooooo tired! I hate to say this, but man, I can't wait for Monday to get here! Then I feel guilty for that too. I had hoped we could have a good weekend together before he left, but this is almost more stressful than a usual day in the life of living with an active A normally is!
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Faith makes things possible; it does not make them easy.
You need some rest!! Will he leave you alone to sleep? Take care of you FIRST. He probably is drinking 3x more. He knows after he goes to rehab he doesn't get any for at least 28 days. He's afraid.
I hope his attitude of not being able to stay sober changes while he's there. It sounds pretty self defeating before he ever gets there. My husband used to tell me that I wouldn't be able to handle him sober too. It was another excuse to continue to drink. He said he'd be boring if he was sober and I wouldn't like him. I always told him "I'd sure be glad to find out".
Get some sleep if you can hon, and good luck to you and him, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Just for Today - You can do something just for a day if you know you do not have to do it forever.... I can so relate to the rollercoaster ride of going into rehab..but tomorrow will come and you will receive the gift... the chance to focus on you (guilt free), the chance to really boost your recovery and take care of you. When my A went into rehab I was at times angry because there was no "28 day" oasis for me to go to, instead I was left to pick up the pieces, until I realized that I had to take it as a chance to get the focus on me, start working my program really hard, and that I could do that without out fear and anxiety, (which I had been living with every minute of every day while the active A was home) There are no guarantees that the A will stay sober after rehab., it really is just a way to boost the recovery into fast forward for a bit, and reality is that the A will come out of rehab, be faced with life, and have to work really hard to maintain what has been started... so for me, I had to look at what I could control, what I could change, and that was me...
Welcome, to MIP... to Al-Anon... to YOUR Recovery... Keep Coming, Keep sharing, Keep reaching out to accept the priceless gift YOU have been given, for many never find the rooms of Al-Anon... many never get the hope that this program has to offer...
Wow how typical everyone has to be there for him and no one for you. I also think how typical that he feels so sorry for himself meantime you are exhausted. I do hope that you can find some peace for your self after he goes. I would not go into the ultimatum department just yet. you have just got here. I know setting ultimatum's got me into worlds of self hate. I could not imagine how I could not reinforce my boundaries.
My boundary issue has been tremendous work for me. I did not just need boundaries with the A but with everyone in my life. I did not know how I set myself up in so many ways. I even needed boundaries with my dogs when I called them they never came. Now that is very different. For me the last 6 months has been all about boundaries. Probably the rest of my life is about boundaries too.
Can you get to an online meeting here they are at 6:00AM PST and 6PM PST they are such a wonderful resource. I can understand that with 5 children it might be a tall order for you to get to a face to face meeting. Nevertheless this room and its board and the meetings and the chat room can be a resource for you. I am sure you will feel a lot of mixed feelings once he does leave. I hope you will utilize it.
Take it one day at a time just now - early sobriety is very .... interesting. I agree, you can use the time when he is in rehab to start focusing on you. He's somewhere safe, maybe getting the help he needs - let him go. As for what it will bring in the long run, who knows? When my husband went to rehab, it was with the attitude "Well, I guess it won't hurt for me to not drink for a few weeks - I'm not joining AA or anything like that, though!" That was three years ago, he hasn't had a drink since. There have been other challenges, though - your troubles don't stop when he sobers up, they just change. If you have a two month old, and he is hitting bottom just now - well, I can imagine what the last few months have been like for you. Take this time when he is away to take care of yourself. Let anything that doesn't really matter, go - this is not the time to do a big spring cleaning, or really clear out all those boxes down in the basement. Rest, enjoy your kids, eat easy meals, recharge those batteries. As best you can, don't worry too much about what tomorrow may bring, The things you worry about will probably never happen - the real problems are those you never even saw coming - so why waste your time worrying? Much better to play with that baby instead.
What to say or do ? Just hug him and remind him that he dosent have to live that way anymore. Support his decission to try and expect nothing, continue to take care of yourself and you will be okay. Louise
