The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I feel like I live with Peter Pan. No responsiblities & don't want to grow up. We are two women who were friends/ coworkers. We went to a neurologist today for me. I had to pay $250 cash. We are on a fixed income. I have been having migraine headaches. She tells him how I have been like " Eeyore" for 14 years. I only heard everything wrong about me for the past 14 years. She wondered why I was crying. I wonder why I have headaches. Well, I may have sleep apnea & will do the sleep test on the 20th. She later tells me how she thought she could fix me when we met. I felt so special. NOT We had to go back to the medical office she does not know directions. I told her to turn at the next left well before we got to the next turn she goes pass it. She got mad at me. that was ok, we could go another block & come back. anyway she attacks that I can drive since I know the way.
Today was one of the worst days of my life that I can rememeber in a long time. It was all about her & all my faults. I woke up around 7 am for this appt. We live an hour away from town. Being ontime is a foriegn concept to her. She says I am the one who takes forever to get ready. It seems everytime I try to discuss anything with her I am trying to argue. I try & ask a simple yes or no question & get no answer at all. I have bit my tongue so many times.I too am considered calm. I am a 3rd generation pack rat. She has become OCD on stuff being in its place. (ie, one morning I was fixing a frozen bagel, I had the bag & knife out. I decided to defrost it in the microwave after trying to cut it frozen. I did something else in getting ready. I come back with the defrosted bagel & the knife is gone. She put it back where it belongs) I have stuff I can not find now. No wonder I have high blood pressure. I take it all in over & over again. I have depression too.
I though, We were planning on eating at McDonalds inside WalMart. I thought I had to be at work at 8pm so I had hoped to get some sleep before. She took off and disappeared. I finally found her. She was going on about what she wanted to purchase. I said "keep in mind all the money we have with us is $62." She blows up & says that is it." I am leaving you here in town you can find your own way home." I told her to "call my boss & tell her I willl not be able to work tonite." She storms out. I was in shock , I guess this is a first for this behavior. I went back to McDonalds. I had my lunch & assumed she would be inside soon. Nope. I cried quietly with my sunglasses on. I finally went and looked outside to see if she really left. I did not see the truck. I went to the bathroom & said in the stall for a good cry. An hour or more passes , I head to the door. There she is walking by with a stranger. Seems his truck broke down , she drove him to a nearby repair shop. When she does come back she acts as if I had a problem. She wanted to eat at another place so she went there instead. She is like nothing ever happened.
I never get an apology. She has been telling everyone we know that she has stopped drinking the last week in April. I have quit looking for evidence but there are signs like mood, talking non stop,& being sickling sweet. etc She fixed dinner tonite. She knows I can not eat late. GERD however when she does do dinner she has it ready by 9 or 10pm or later.
I hate living like this. It is like Dr Jekyll / Ms Hyde. My father was that way. I have not spoke to him in years. I try and treat others the way I want to be treated. I do not understand putting others down , being negative, pointing out everything they have ever done wrong over & over again. I know how it feels. I do a moral inventory all the time & try to not do that to others. when someone points out stuff about me, I ask myself is it true. I say nope. I do not see it.If I am such a loser, rotten person why do these people continue to hang around me??? I do not believe it. I feel like a verbal punching bag.
I can not communicate with her at all. I pretend everything is wonderful. The weird thing is when we first met all we did it talk & there was no alcohol at all involved. we used to go to her sisters parties & have everyone laughing and we were sober.
Gawd, she even brought up about running out of gasoline again. I know she was drinking. Tonite she left for a few hours. we live ion the stix. She tells me about going to the hardware store which sells beer to visit the employees. She comes back acting like the world is wonderful & everything is my fault. This will not go on much longer. once I save up for my truck. I might move to this friend of ours place. She said I could live there. Tina will not talk to her because she was cussed out by her for being a drunk.
Sorry folks. Hopefully when this sleep apnea is under control. I will be able to concentrate , stay focused & not babble. I hope I am having my SS hearing in August & money will start in Oct. We got home around 5pm I got a call that I did not have to work tonite after all. phew!
Bless all you wonderful people. I am greatful for you all.
((((hmr)))) you are exactly quoting the toll that living with an active A takes on our serenity. You are in exactcly the right place! Am glad you are here. I, too, lived with all this crazy upheaval with my A. I am slowly "getting" the Alanon principle, and it is working in my life. It is like the shadows that I have lived under since 1997, and even before, have lifted. My A is still drinking, but I keep coming here and in chat, and things are somehow changing in our relationship. And we were on the verge of divorce, he had even moved out for almost 2 months.
I don't know what to tell you, but to try to take care of yourself. You cannot control if she drinks or not. I quit even mentioning it to my A, and things are better. We even went to a "non-drinkers" party last night for my friend and her hubby's wedding anniv. and my A didn't gripe cos no one was drinking. He was fine, and we stayed for 4 hours. That is a miracle right there.
It used to be all about his drinking friends, and didn't want to go around my non-drinking ones.
One day at a time. Hope you get the sleep problems fixed. That will, as you said, help with concentration, etc.
thanks for your words of wisdom. We are pretending like yesterday never happened. I am still mad though smiling thru my teeth. I had a thought all those words she said to me, she is saying about herself.
So I am getting ready to go do our saturday sales. I had today show or good morning america on tv while getting ready twice now cartoons are on when I am away. If it is not that then the PBS channel with sesame street or one of those other cartoons. we do not have another tv or cable. Well I guess I am going to load the truck while the child oops Tina plays. I feel a headache coming on. It is all about her.
Well she has been suppose to send her brother in prison a money order for awhile now. We finally bought the money order $10 & a card. I wrote something I have tried to get her to say to him about collect calls. She is expecting me to finish it to mail it. I said here is the stamp, pen, return address lables. He is your brother. I am done.
LOL , Last nite during the evening chat while I was sharing she decides to talk to me. It seems everytime I am typing she needs to talk to me. Grr, I could so easily kill her. Oh but dare I be mad at her. Oh my that can never happen. I am so glad I have alanon to vent to. The mood swings. major headaches. I think once I find myself agian. I will not have a person living with me. I would rather live alone.
There I go babbling again. She has put the remote control for the tv next to me. I could have her dead & buried & no one would ever know. It would be like finding jimmy hoffa. The law here is so slow. lmao ok I am back to the right frame of mind.
Have a great full day! Thanks again, Thanks for the hope. I have moved about 38 times in my 46 years so I am not in the moving mood.
Hey, you got it! What they are saying "to" you, they are saying "about" themselves. I try to remember that when hubby goes back to his slanderous ways. Takes a lot of the pain away. I can see him for what he is. The disease does a lot of talking, it just comes out the the A's mouth.
Sounds like you are well on your road to recovery. Let them do for themselves what they can, we aren't their mommies! LOL
Good luck on your Saturday sales day, sounds like you are a lot stronger than you were. See, this program is really so easy, but we are a stubborn lot, myself included. It becomes easier the more you let go and let God. We are not responsible for the world! Yea! I was so happy to find that out!
As for acting like yesterday never happened, we do that a lot here. I guess that is a good thing, no use beating a dead horse, my Grandma used to say. Just let it go. Every day a new beginning. One Day at a Time! Some things just aren't worth hashing over, especially when dealing with a sick person. It won't make things better, probably make them worse. Just let it go! You are doing great!
I have learned to let a lot of the pain just roll off my back, and to make the most of every minute God has given me on this earth. I was not meant to hover or cower. I was meant to stand tall and proud and strong, and to not abuse myself.
