The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, in my most recent post, I told you all that I snubbed my A when he waved at me...
Today makes 9 days and I have not spoken to him, called him, texted him, drove past his house on purpose or sent any desperate letters in the mail.
I even found more of his belongings in my apartment and THAT would have been my perfect excuse to call him, but I didnt. If he starts missing it, he can call me.
I still cry my eyes out over him EVERY day, still love him desperately, still HOPE that he comes back, ready to get sober BUT every day gets a little easier.
My prayers are not as desperate when I talk to God either. I have been mostly talking to him about furthering my recovery, helping me accept His will and His perfect plan for my life.
Never anything other than completely honest here so, would I take him back tonight if he called and said "Baby, I miss you so much, can we get together?" if he was as drunk as a skunk and I knew it, I would be SO tempted to rush right over there, kiss and make up and live in a miserable existence filled with the constant turmoil of alcoholism...just to be with him, held by him, see his fingers, smell him, look at his hairline, hear his laugh and his voice. I do love him and I will forever. There is NOTHING obviously that will strip the desire for him from my heart, but I like how I feel about myself now, and that has nothing to do with my A.
Last night I went with a new friend to a local bar to try a new drink another friend who works there that I met through my job made up. It was a good time. We were the only ones there for 2 hours and when we left it was filling up, karaoke night. This weekend I have a bachelorette party to go to and summertime means the city pool and the local state park beach. I am trying SO hard to look ahead NOT back and NOT focus on WHO is missing...and who I am missing so much.
It does get easier, it hurts a little less every day, but, whoah, detachment REALLY sucks and REJECTION sucks even worse. I just have to keep seeing the reality of the disease and who I am, a wonderful worthwhile confident loving genuine beautiful thoughtfull friendly secure responsible woman with faith and hope for my future, that does not involve the misery of alcoholism.
You sound much better today. Keep doing these things for yourself. You are worth it and only you can give you what you need the most, which is total acceptance and appreciation. I believe you will find people along your recovery journey that will give you that acceptance and appreciation in a much healthier way. Keep working it!! Have a good night.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Each passing day will become easier Jen, and sooner than you think you will have him out of your system...if that's what you truly want. I send you every good wish and best of luck. You'll be fine!!! Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
just reading the words you have written show that you are focusing on working the steps and beginning to see how important (and it really IS ~ OK) to focus on how to take care of your "SELF" ((( JEN ))) ...Jenon the inside. Letting Go and Letting God take care of those things that are not yours to take on yourself.
** You wrote; .... I just have to keep seeing the reality of the disease and who I am, a wonderful worthwhile confident loving genuine beautiful thoughtfull friendly secure responsible woman with faith and hope for my future, that does not involve the misery of alcoholism.
WORKIN' IT BECAUSE ~~ YOU ARE WORTH IT!
taking it one step.... one moment if need be...and most of all ONE DAY AT A TIME. (((BiGHuG)))
Ya know what? You have shown such growth and strength over this last little while, I don't think you would go back to him under those circumstances.... Part of "us getting better" is us no longer dropping our standards and needs for what we need.... You are becoming more aware, every day, of how an active addict cannot possibly fulfill your needs and wishes. In healthy terms, a stand of "not taking him back until he is committed to, and proving himself to be in a full fledged program of recovery" is the only real choice for Jen. Anything less, and you end up compromising what YOU need, and that builds resentments, and so on.....
If he ends up choosing sobriety, you'll have plenty of time to reconcile with him on your terms..... and you will respect yourself more, and he will ultimately respect you more, for standing by your principles. If he doesn't end up choosing sobriety, you are not losing as much as you fear losing.... Either way, you are soooooo much better off, having chosen the path you are choosing, and you are very right - it really DOES get better & easier each day.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Keep up the good work....you are doing great....I know things getting easier has nothing to do with the way you feel about him. Love has absolutely nothing to do with his horrific disease
and I have not spoken to him, called him, texted him, drove past his house on purpose or sent any desperate letters in the mail.
just reading the words you have written show that you are focusing on working the steps and beginning to see how important (and it really IS ~ OK) to focus on how to take care of your "SELF" ((( JEN ))) ...Jen on the inside. Letting Go and Letting God take care of those things that are not yours to take on yourself. 
You wrote; .... I just have to keep seeing the reality of the disease and who I am, a wonderful worthwhile confident loving genuine 
beautiful thoughtfull friendly secure responsible woman with faith and hope for my future, that does not involve the misery of alcoholism.
WORKIN' IT BECAUSE ~
~ YOU ARE WORTH IT! 
(((BiGHuG)))