The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm still reeling. My A called me this morning, I wasn't awake yet. With the normal "formalities" such as "Hi Honey. Good Morning. Are you awake?" out of the way...he got into the real "meat" of the call.
"I'm so &*^% up right now. I have been for over a week. I stole $1300 from the per diem and bought meth. I'm out now. Now I have a bottle of vodka in the truck, just so I can try to stand on my feet. I ran out of meth at 5:30 this morning. Every time you've talked to me, I've been ____-up. You've asked in the past if I've ever cheated on you. I haven't. Truth is, I like drugs more than I like women. Remember when you called and told me you had a lump in your breast? No, I didn't go to the bar, I went to the topless bar and blew $300. I did try to cheat on you, but I couldn't 'get it up' when it came down to it."
There's more to the conversation, but I think that's enough - probably more than enough to demonstrate a shocking way to wake up. Not sure I believe the cheating bit. Okay - I 98% don't believe the cheating bit.
Because of Al-anon - here and the f2f I went to yesterday - I somehow managed to 1) stay calm 2) not freak out 3) not scream and yell. I was telling myself as he was talking "detach, Laura, detach. You don't need to fly off the handle."
However - now I'm trying to maintain that detachment - but you know, I AM hurt. What he had to say was'nt only offenses against himself (the actual drinking and using). In his confession there was something directly against me...whether he sees/saw it that way or not. That knife is sitting in my heart and I feel the cold, sharp steel throbbing with each heartbeat.
Before ending the conversation he asked me not to leave him. I didn't respond. I have no response. He let me know that the $ he was going to send to me doesn't exist. He let me know that the $ he was saving to pay the car note doesn't exist. I have the car and me and the boys need it out here in the middle of nowhere. I already have to park the car in the backyard as it is already in repossession. Rent is due today. I haven't a penny. I take school online and the internet bill is past due and I've received a disconnect notice - with no date on it. Every bill is due...and I can't find a job. I'm so overwhelmed. I have a dr's appt. today for medical issues I'm having and medicine that I need - and what little money I do have - where do I spend it? Do I keep the dr. appt and fill my prescription? or do I cancel the appt and divvy up what $ I do have between creditors (we're talking less than $200)? I just don't know what to do or how to think clearly just now. I'm not expecting anyone to answer those 2 previous questions - I know that you cannot. This is just what is going through my mind right now. Before this phone call this morning, I was under the impression that he had been clean for over a week. Too much to hope for...I shouldn't have believed. I will learn...I am capable of learning...I just don't know that I'm capable of giving up hope.
Laura keep your medical appointment YOUR HEALTH is top priority. If you have a good GP they may be able to refer you to some agencies they know of to ease the burden a little. I am in Australia so can't help you there. Not sure what your welfare agencies come under but reach out for help and they will be able to help you negotiate payments of bills etc as well as assistance for you and your boys to live on. ((())) Leo xx
Time to put Laura first here..... I hope you keep your medical appointment..... Think of the resentments that will follow if you cancel your medical appointment, save the money for the two of you, and his portion goes to feed his addiction (which it most likely will). His "honesty filled phone call") sounds like a small, but positive step for him in his recovery.... Admitting he has a problem is an important step, but only one step.... I'd love to tell you that he will immediately choose sobriety right now, but every addict is unique..... He could bounce back and forth between this kind of thinking for a long time, or he could clean himself up tomorrow.
Regardless, it's Laura time now.... This stuff has made you unhealthy, both physically and emotionally, and you can get you help right now.... Keep coming back here, surround yourself with positive people in recovery, find Al-Anon, sponsorship, etc., and things will start to get better....
One day at a time (can also be said as one hour, one minute, etc) is key right now.... try not to get too far ahead of yourself, as there are a lot of crises in your life right now.... Take on what you can handle, in chunks that are manageable for you...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
So sorry you had to wake up that way. Time to start the day over...
One thing that may help....Many times Dr's have samples of meds. Just tell your Dr. the the situation (not all of it), but as much as you're comfortable with and ask if he might have some samples of the meds he prescribes to you.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You have so much on your plate. What an awful way to wake up!
First of all...tell your doctor about your meth husband spending up your money and you not having money for meds. My doctor told me that most drug companies have special programs for people to get meds for FREE, but only their doctor can recommend them. He said that only a doctor knows which meds are REALLY necessary and which patients he knows really need them. I told my doctor about my A husband and how he threatens to take our medical insurance card away from me. My doctor told me that if I ever have trouble getting my blood pressure meds to tell him and he will arrange to have them sent to me for free. This is a NATIONWIDE program.
Secondly, as a teacher part of my training was how to direct family to needed social service agencies. Most counties have free medical care to people who really need it. Call your COUNTY HEALTH DEPARTMENT as they are the ones who coordinate this care. Not all counties have a free clinic building, but they will know which doctors set aside a few hours a week to treat pateints for free. These people can also give you free meds.
Put yourself first for your children's sake.
My first husband was like yours and I can relate to not having any money and neglecting myself to pay the bills due to his drug problem. I lived for five years with my daughter with no car, no tv, no radio, no phone, and barely any heat. My daughter and I "lived" in my bedroom with the heat on and I had to put on coat and hat and gloves to cook, LOL, I had a space heater in the bathroom. We lived in an apartment so the heat from the other apartments kept my pipes from freezing, even though I turned the heat off. It was a "comfy" (NOT, LOL) forty deegrees in my apartment most of the time. I had to wash our clothes by hand in the sink and hang them on the sofa (used) to dry. I could not invite friends to sit on my sofa as it was usually wet, LOL. My daughter had a high chair and I stood to eat for two years I had no table either. I made my own baby food and bought a food mill (baby food maker) at a yard sale (HP for sure that it was there when I needed it). I bought healthy food for daughter to grow on and I ate cheap junk. I ate cheap generic cereal for br eakfast and cheap generic canned soup for lunch and skipped dinner for years. I suffered from malnutrition and anemia and had lots of health problems, SIGH. I have learned to take care of myself first so I have the strength to deal with whatever hardships come my way with my A husband, and lots have come trust me.
I could tell you many more stories, but I just want to show you that I have been were you are, maybe worse and I survived, with help. You can too!
Take care of your health first, so you have the strength to see you and your children through this time. Laura, people care, you just have to reach out to them.
Call your county health department first, or talk to your own doctor and tell him your situation. Don't bother talking to his nurse or the receptionist, it is their job to collect money, do billing, enforce office policy etc. talk ONLY to your doctor, alone, in private about your situation. He took the hypocratic oath to help and he will either help you if he can, or direct you to where to go for free medical help.
I will pray for you Laura. I wish I could help more, but I too am in a bad situation.
When faced with spending little money on NEEDS for yourself or paying bills...ALWAYS spend it on needs for yourself!!!
Creditors and bills can wait until you are in a better situation to pay. No one is going to get sick or die if you are late on a bill, even months or years late.
You only get one you and one body, if you neglect it and you get sicker you won't be able to pay your debts anyway!
So, taking care of YOU and keeping your doctors appointment is really being responsible to pay your debts. Ok, so you take your less than $200 and divide it up to pay your bills...I doubt it goes far...probably won't be your total payment and they will probably hound you for more...you will be exactly where you are now in debt with creditors hounding you...only now no money for meds or doctor and sicker and weaker...not a good plan.
But, if you put it into yourself and get your meds and treatment you may get better and healthier and can work more and make more money and pay your debts.
Who knows what all this means for him - but for you, it means you know where you stand. You can't count on him for anything, just now, anyway. Better to know this than to hope and count on something that is not coming.
I agree with others - if you reach out, help will be there. There is no shame in this - doctors especially I have found are glad to help if you let them know the situation. Things won't always be this way - just take it one step at a time.
You don't have to decide what you will do about him just right now. First, do what you need to take care of yourself, get yourself reasonably stable and under control. If he contacts you and asks "What about me?" you can tell him that you don't know. I have found that A's tend to think that we are much more capable than we really are - they give themselves leeway to fall apart at any blow, but expect us to just deal with all problems like they are nothing. You have the right to say "I'm overwhelmed, I don't know how I feel about you just now, give me some space", and if he doesn't like it, too bad. You also have the right to do what is best for you, without worrying too much about how it will affect him. You are not his higher power.
Thank you all so very much for the caring and support.
I did keep my medical appointment and asked the doctor if he had a problem/minded treating a patient for depression. He asked me why I thought I was depressed (and if I wasn't so depressed, that probably would have made me laugh ) so I just let it all pour out. What sealed the deal for me was the drive down to the city to make the appointment.
Let me preface this by saying I have no plans, no intention of doing this - it is just something I could see in my mind, questioned.
To get to the city I have to drive up a mountain. I would pass large drops where there were no guardrails and would think about the car just going over with me in it. I also thought the same things when getting closer to the city with the concrete pillars of the overpasses. I have too much to live for to even consider acting upon these 'mini-movies' - but the fact that they played in my mind is what sealed it for me in talking to the doctor. I don't want to think these things/see these things in my mind. I want control of my own life - as much control as I am meant to have - and I'll not relinquish that control to depression.
You all are a great group of people and my appreciation to you all is immense. I respect each one of you and your personal journey - and I'm in awe of Al-anon.
) so I just let it all pour out. What sealed the deal for me was the drive down to the city to make the appointment.