The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
well i feel guilty and good at the same time... phew what a feeling. A feeling that I am not quite sure I like but once again time will tell. I had a very honest conversation with my A this morning. The first one in a long time and he was sober so it was a good time to do it. I had to be picked up from work last night and he picked me up in the standard vehicle (the one I don't know how to drive). He obviously had been drinking... heavily. I had two choices, 1. get out and start walking on the very dirt raod that we were on, in the middle of nowhere or 2. indure the travel that we were doing. I unfortunally took option two. Either option being unsafe for me due to the fact that it was after midnight. Fortunally enough we made it home. I did not say a word cause why he was drunk and where would it have gotten me... on the couch. The whole reason for him for drinking last night was his children and his ex. Or so he says. He is very upset about the visitations that they are trying to plan for the summer. So anyways to make a long story shorter I asked him why he felt that he had to put his, mine and our daughter's life in danger because he can't get along with his ex wife enough to be able to help raise their children. He said to me that he has missed out on raising them and he has to make up for it at sometime. He also said that he is waiting until he can have his kids back full time will be when he decides to quit drinking. So I told him from that statement he obviously doesn't think that our daughter and I are worthy enough for him to be sober. That statement hurt him I know. Now I feel quilty. But at the same time feel better that it came out. How can one live with feeling quilty and feeling like they did the right thing. But I keep having to tell myself that saying over and over again... " sometimes the truth hurts" I also said that when it really came down to life, who would be there for him. Not his ex wife, not his children. me and our daughter are who are here with him and seem to have to take the blunt end of the feelings they send to him. So why does it take them to stop his drinking. Are we just to be here to bide time until they decide to fight to live with dad themselves. They have the right, they could if they wanted to but they choose to not cause conflict. But when they have a fight with their mom who do they call dad. Like bringing him into the battle. Within all this conversation I kept a very cool approach to him and myself. I am proud of that. I am not angry of our discussion nor do I feel hatred. That is a good feeling. But I do feel guilt because I know that the words that I said were somewhat hurtful, but truthful at the same time. I hope and know that whatever comes out of this conversation this morning that I love this man dearly and I can't have him live his life in the pain and hurt of his ex wife and children. Nor will I allow our daughter and I to have to live that way either. I know that whatever comes from this conversation this morning that with all the love I have for this man that my (our) H.P will look over us and give us the direction to follow. Thank you for this program as it has taught me to handle situations better. As for feelings I know that they can never disappear but the way that we deal with those feelings can. Thank you alanon and everyone involved. Luv ya all.
So glad you found "MIP" and Al-Anon - it is a great place to help you. Sounds like you are making progress on setting boundaries on what is healthy behavior for you and your daughter, keep reading material on that and taking care of you.
It has been my experience that Alcoholics/addicts until they reach the point of wanting recovery will always find a reason to drink/use no matter what - it is always the "ex's, kids, job, financial woes, spouse's nagging, traffic, smog, hangnail, too much rain, too much sun, a bug bite, dirty dish, a weekend, a workday, a holiday, not a holiday, on and on and on," Prior to recovery for my AH and for my step-daughter who hasn't found her way into recovery yet, that's just the way it is for their disease.
Take Care of You, You are truly worth having serenity,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi, and thanks for your post.... I think you know this, but the part where your A gives reasons why he drank, or promises of "when he is gonna choose sobriety", is just his alcoholic BS. He isn't necessarily intentionally lying to you, more likely simply fooling himself, and hoping to fool others along the way.
Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. Period. NOT because this or that happened, or might happened.
He sounds incapable, at this point in his journey, to put you or your kids as his top priority, as he isn't yet at the place where he can put himself, and his sobriety as his number one priority.
Keep coming back, and working on yourself.... Having expectations of what an active A will or won't do or feel, tends to be a fruitless and frustrating exercise....
You and your kids are worth YOU getting better for you. I love the saying: "he will either drink or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Today is a new day and boy I made it through yesterday. Just wanted to update everyone and show how proud I am of myself. As I know though there is a long road to travel yet but the road has just opened up for a journey again. After the conversation I had yesterday with my hubby, we really sat and talked and listened for the first time in ohhhh our marriage. After writing my blurb yesterday here I sat and took a huge inventory of my life, my relationships and my marriage. When my hubby quit drinking in January, due to my altimatum, i thought things would get better right away. Wow was I wrong. The not drinking was great. I felt free of conflict and money problems. But later did I find out that the money problems were still there and the conflict and ill feelings towards him were still there. So I held guilt. And boy did I ever. The cummunication gap was still there. We did not talk about anything. Feelings were not shared and such. I still was unable to give him hugs and kisses. Sit in the same room with him to watch the exact episode that he was watching on a different T.V.
So yesterday, I realized that with this before, why did he quit drinking to have life be the same way that it was when he was drinking. I realized that my god, if I didn't feel loved by the one person who wanted me to change then why would I be inclined to change. So in these thoughts yesterday I took a moral inventory, not too mention I don't even think that I am to step 4 yet but I did. Wow, did I learn alot. I gave him no credit for not drinking. I did nothing to encourage him to continue to stay sober. I treated him like he wasn't even there. So yesterday I wrote him a letter. In this letter I apoligized for all the wrong I did. I told him my faults. Man was that hard to do. But I did it and further more I gave it to him. We then talked. Talked talked talked. Then I went to work. We worked together on our way to have me drive that standard vehicle that I was so scared to learn to drive. We worked together and we did it. And to my best ability, I did well. He also granted me with the compliments that I had. Sooo as I got out of the vehicle, I said to him, " thank you for teaching me this. Thank you for being patient enough with me. I love you." Then I kissed him good night and went into work. The feelings running around my head were unbelievable. Feelings that I only felt when we were still dating. The night of work went great. Finished work and he was outside waiting for me to go home. being a few minutes late I said " hello, sorry I am late. Thank you for waiting." And gave him a kiss hello. Wow I said hello. Wow I kissed him. What am I doing? What have I become? It is a great feeling to love and be loved. And for the first time since he started drinking again, he was completely sober. So out of my mouth when we got home and while laying side by side in bed, were, " Thank you for staying sober. I know how hard it is to do that. I love you. Good night." and kissed him good night as well. I slept peacefully. Probably the best night sleep I have had in years. Good feeling that is. So waking up this morning still feeling soooo good. I came out and kissed him and my daughter good morning and said " good morning". Even before having my first coffee and cigerette. Never ever do I remember doing that. Not ever. But my daughter who usually fights to go to school went out the door peacefully this morning. My husband kissed me good bye as he was leaving for work. And everyone left with a smile. Everyone left with an I love you. And me at home by myself, with a smile and feeling very good to go on with my day. No regrets. No anger. Just love. Just love and happiness that the days of horror can be corrected. But it takes teamwork. I love sports and have always had the great skill of having teamwork be effective. But in my family never thinking that teamwork mattered. Man, was I wrong. It takes a team to have a family work. So now I have realized that the games have just begun. The teamwork needs fixing. But you know what it can happen and it will. And as I said yesterday in my letter to my hubby, fasten your seatbelt, I am taking you on a magic carpet ride. And who said that rollercoasters and bumber cars can't bring a smile to ones face. So hold on. Its just beginning. luv ya all. Thank you for being there for me.
... So yesterday, I realized that with this before, why did he quit drinking to have life be the same way that it was when he was drinking. I realized that my god, if I didn't feel loved by the one person who wanted me to change then why would I be inclined to change. So in these thoughts yesterday I took a moral inventory, not too mention I don't even think that I am to step 4 yet but I did. Wow, did I learn alot...
... But my daughter who usually fights to go to school went out the door peacefully this morning. My husband kissed me good bye as he was leaving for work. And everyone left with a smile. Everyone left with an I love you. And me at home by myself, with a smile and feeling very good to go on with my day. No regrets. No anger. Just love. Just love and happiness that the days of horror can be corrected. But it takes teamwork...
Thank you for the beautiful reminder of why we are here in Al-Anon, to work on ourself. This post so beautifully showed how working the program can benefit the whole family regardless of if they are still drinking or not! Keeping our side of the street clean, doing our part of that teamwork... YES!! Thank you!
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
What a great post and reminder for us. I'm so happy things are looking up for you and your family. Keep up the good work you're worth it and so is your family. It sounds like you're dong a great job looking after you. Yes it is like a rollercoaster ride but you will find that soon you will be on the top more and more as you work your program. Your doing great.
