The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, it took me 43 years to get here and honestly I don't quite know where "here" is or if it's where I need to be.
There is so much to say...I feel like I am opening a can of worms, but, I don't know that I can continue this balancing act much longer.
I have been depressed since high school, on anti depressants since my early 20's. I have an alcoholic mother (probably father too) who was rigid, abusive and just plain evil sometimes.
Just to give you an idea of some of the things I heard/endured:
Never told I was loved...Never told I was attractive because in "her" words-"I would get too big of a head"...By high school I was told she hated me and wished I was never born. Called every "fat" name in the book (Moose, hefty, fatty, chubby, etc) even though I wasn't. (I am NOW!!) Food was strictly monitored, punishments were excessive and cruel. Friends weren't allowed over. Nobody was good enough.
Heres a scenario that sticks in my mind that should help put things into perspective: I was emptying the dishwasher one evening and I put a cup in incorrectly so my mom came over and smacked me across the head. My dad witnessed it and said "don't hit her" and my mom looked at him, hit me again in the head and said she would do what she wants. My dad lowered his head and continued eating.
I married an alcoholic at 19 (to escape my home life) stay married, became "supermom" and tried to make it work for 15 years. Divorced.
Told my mother about sexual abuse that occured when I was a preschooler by the hand of her teenage brother and was told I was a liar, manipulative, etc. We didn't talk for 4 years.
I am remarried. My parents and I have rekindled our relationship in the past 5 years. I thought things were going better. In a 3 hour drunken evening my mom cried and apologized for "being a bad mother" and begged my forgiveness. She is trying to make amends now. She sends me cards periodically with apology messages and gifts.
She has SEVERE medical problems. She has been on dialysis for 3 years and she is only allowed a few ounces of fluids per day. About 2 months ago she got drunk, fell and broke a hip and after surgery lapsed into DT's for 8 days refusing medicine, water and food. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. My father was clueless, my siblings were nonexistant (they can't handle the simplest of problems) so I was left to take care of her in the hospital-force feeding her so she wouldn't die. She was released a week ago with strict instructions-NO ALCOHOL. My father took her away for the weekend-where they sat in a bar for two days and drank. She's back in the hospital for fluids in her lungs.
Oh, and let me mention also, that my current husband cheated on me 2 years ago, (we have been in therapy ever since) after only 5 years of marriage and now despite my OBVIOUS aversion to over drinking, he continues to drink at home almost nightly getting drunk once or twice a week!!!
WHAT IS GOING ON!!! I'm starting to think I am the one with the problem! My mother, my first husband, now is it going to be my current husband too?
I started seeing a new psychologist for an over eating disorder (go figure). Eating has always been a comfort for me and it is getting to the point now where I have no control over what is going into my mouth.
I've purposely (and painfully)chosen the name Little Lisa for a number of reasons.
Of course, it's the "little" Lisa in me that's wounded and needs healing.
...and my brother married a "Lisa", so to differentiate in the family, my mom took to calling her "Little Lisa" and me "Big Lisa"...NICE! HUH?
Welcome to MIP Lisa, and you are definitely IN the right place by coming here.... Your story, as sad and full as it is, is (unfortunately) all too typical, and many of us here have experienced the same or similar things.... The good news is that there IS a light at the end of that tunnel, and you CAN do something about it.... Your recovery, through Al-Anon, sponsorship, these boards, etc., is critical to YOUR serenity and increased healthiness.... The whole world of addictions is a very complex and draining thing for most of us, so good for you in taking the first step today, by reaching out a bit here.
I would encourage you to read, post, and learn from each of us, as we also learn from you. You have obviously had a lot of pain in your life up until now, and it won't all "magically go away", but this really CAN be the proverbial "first day of the rest of your life".
Welcome again, and I hope you keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
That's what I felt when I walked in my first Al-Anon meeting. Home, to a home I had never had. A place of pure acceptance, healthy compassion, and unconditional love that I never knew exisisted. Our stories are a lot like the old "Dragnet" TV show - "the names have been changed to protect the innocent". So many times, when others in recovery tell about their path, I feel that they must have had a secret camera watching my life.
There is Hope on this web site, help in the program of Al-Anon. My suggestions would be find a face to face Al-Anon meeting, visit this web site, read the literature, find a sponsor, work the steps,etc, - slowly, One Day at a Time - You didn't get in the place you are now over night and recovery won't happen over night. But, please don't give up before the miracle happens in you . . .
Wishing you the best of blessings . . . Recovery,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Welcome to MIP Little Lisa... this program will change your life if you allow it too. Healing from a lifetime of pain is no easy feat, but this program is set up to guide you step by step and peel those layers, look at them, deal with them, heal and let go. This is definitely a journey that I never thought I'd find myself on, but now that I'm here I see that my HP lead me here by placing the people and experiences in my life to help me see the strength and love I have inside me. Lots of blessings and healing to you.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Well I would say your in the right place alright. welcome I hope u will consider going to real meetings for yourself , there isnothing u can do about the alcoholics in your life but alot u can do for yourself . You have been affected by alcoholism al of your life , u need support from people who truly understand you and where your at , those u will find in Al-Anon meetings . Here is the toll free international number for meetings in our area 1-888-4alanon.
OH and no there is nothing wrong with you , wellllllllll maybe alittle hehe to say that we go a little nuts living with this damn disease is an understatment , but u are not the reason they drink and your not powerful enough to make them stop .
Your history is not who you are. Welcome to MIP! It has helped me tremendously. Looking at our family history can be difficult at times. Alanon f2f meetings and Alanon literature are a big help. Sharing and finding experience, strength, and hope it also helpful - to us and to you. As they tell us, don't leave until the miracle happens.
I would have to introduce myself as big Lisa too. But that's okay, it's something that is mine to deal with. Not that makes it easy but I'm done dealing with others problems and Ala-non taught me how to do that. I only own what is mine and leave the alcoholic in my life to deal with his own stuff. The better I get at it the more free I feel.
I can feel your pain in your post and have to recommend you keep coming back. You are in the right place with people that totally understand where you're coming from. Do something for yourself today and I recommend that you read "The Courage to Change" or any other Ala-non books.
Hi Little Lisa, and welcome to MIP. I am going to be brutally honest here Lisa when I tell you that you are mired in self-pity, which can only serve to destroy whatever happiness may be waiting for you. Your life has not been a perfect journey, and it probably never will be. Most lives aren't. Being abused and mistreated by our parents or other family members is no bag of jokes, but we must move on so that peace, serenity, and understanding can take the place of pain, tears, and sadness. Harboring anger and resentment can kill our souls.
Find an AlAnon chapter in your area and go to meetings faithfully. You can learn with the tools available there, how to reconstruct your life, and live it happily. Life really is too short to have it any other way.
Your post is a well-written one, which tells me you are smart. I also detect that you are strong. My positive thoughts and prayers go with you Lisa, and I hope that you will continue to come back here where you will find people who understand and care.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Brutal honesty (which comes across like judgement to me right now) isn't really what I was looking for. It was painfully difficult to open up here...telling me that I am "mired in self pity" feels a bit like a kick in the gut and my instinct is that it's not safe to open up here.
I did read the rest of the post and appreciate the words, but, honestly couldn't get past the first few sentences.
I have never been one to have a "pity party" and am usually the strong leader in most situations. I need to know that it's OK to be vulnerable (something NOT easy to do). It would be a lot easier to build a wall, keep out all of the pain and emotion, but, I thought the whole point was to "air" the wound so that it can heal.
Our stories are a lot like the old "Dragnet" TV show - "the names have been changed to protect the innocent". So many times, when others in recovery tell about their path, I feel that they must have had a secret camera watching my life
I found a meeting about 10 minutes from my house-which is good and bad...
I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like I would like this to be private. I remember I joined a group a few years ago to deal with the sexual abuse issue and someone from my HS was there. She brought up the fact that we knew each other back in the day in front of everyone in the group. Losing that anonymity was uncomfortable (I remember avoiding her when I saw her at the grocery store some months later).
I think I will go early tomorrow, hang out in the parking lot and see if I can get my nerve up...
My God, I meant no "kick in the gut." Sometimes a bit of "brutal" honesty is just the ticket. Obviously in your case, not. I truly hope you find happiness, serenity, love, and joy in your life.
With great caring and concern, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
