The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We went to my in-laws for the weekend. They live 4 hours away. My AH has many "family of origin" issues with them (both a's, especially mom; and explosive tempers). I told my ah on the way there it would be better if he didn't drink (they know he is a). He said he would try. He never got in any way intoxicated but someone saw him pouring a drink.
At 9 pm on Saturday night his dad comes downstairs screaming at the top of his lungs in the most abusive and cruel way I have ever experienced. Calling my ah a drunk fat sloppy loser, etc. Then he turns to me screaming "and your mixing his drinks." All the while our five year old is huddling on my lap in tears.
He was completely irrational. I was stunned. I looked at my husband and said, "we are leaving." I calmly got up and said to my fil, "I am not doing this." I went and packed and put my daughter in the car and waited. An hour later I could still hear the yelling. I went upstairs my in laws were sitting in bed. My ah was sobbing and my fil was still screaming. I calmly and quietly said "This is ending right now. Nothing is going to be solved when everyone is emotional. I will send you some information on al-anon and hope you will attend a meeting, but I will not justify or explain what is going on in our family while you are angry." I think my calmness scared them into complying.Then my daughter and I went to bed.
I am disgusted with my fil for his behavior, though I understand why he was angry. I hope he is willing to open his mind to al anon.
As for my toolbox, I asked my ah not to drink, after that it was out of my hands. I didn't see him pouring drinks and I certainly didn't do it for him, but I am not surprised. I did not enable him and I did not try to control him. I did not participate in a conversation with my fil born of anger. And I am choosing not to be have contact with him for now because it is not healthy for me. I have also spent the days since working through my feelings about what happened, then letting them go.
I credit my program with enabling me to work through this with thoughtfulness. I hope my fil can learn as well. Sorry this is long, just needed to get it out.
I had to giggle a bit reading this. They sure don't know how to react to calmness, do they? heehee I have found "calmness" to be one of my best Al-Anon tools. It helps to defuse situations a whole lot. (I think it makes them see how foolish they are being when faced with someone calm and in control as compared to their out of control anger.) My sister actually brought this up with me not so long ago when she was sharing a conversation she'd had with my stepdaughters. (Sis used to work in the schools with the "troubled teens" program.) I was glad she'd had that conversation with them (they listen better to others than to the "evil stepmom" LOL).
Anyway, Good Job!! Thanks for sharing!
Luv, Kis
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
