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This morning a light bulb went off for me. My A called to say hi and I love you... I expressed to him that I missed him and wanted to see how things were going for him. He said fine. O.K. maybe I should have left it at that, but I needed to say how I have been feeling lately. He has looked for reasons not go to counseling or meetings this week. He's been working a lot, fine... but Monday night he said he went to a meeting, but he didn't and I'm sure he lied about it too, because he wanted to start a fight the next morning. I'm picking up on how he operates. When he does something he knows he shouldn't do, he gets mad at me, accuses me of having an attitude and is just down right nasty and negative until I usually get pissed off and confront him on it. I didn't confront him, I knew he lied... I kept my mouth shut because I know he knows he should've gone.
So basically I finally got the nerve to ask "Are you doing this recovery because you are scared about what will happen, meaning I will ask him to move out or are you doing this recovery for yourself, I said because I don't really feel you are committed and invested in this recovery process". He got angry and said "that's great" and hung up. Interesting I didn't get an answer. He generally blows up or hangs the phone up when I've "hit the nail on the head". I began to feel bad because it upset him. Then I asked myself why do you feel bad about telling him the truth? Why do I apologize for my feelings? It's the uncomfortable feeling of knowing someone is upset with me for saying how I truly feel. I begin to feel guilty about upsetting someone and will then apologize. I almost called him again this morning to say I'm sorry, but why would I do that? To make myself feel better? This has been a life long problem for me.
I don't validate how I feel, I don't believe or trust that what I feel is o.k. I don't value that if I need to express my feelings or thoughts to someone that it is fine to do that regardless of how they react. Their reactions are not my problem. My responsibility to myself is to communicate my feelings with honesty. Growing up, I stayed quit and did not communicate my feelings to my parents or friends for fear they would not want to be around me. It was unacceptable to my father to allow me to express my thoughts. My mother would usually cry and say how she's doing the best she can and sorry she can't please me on every issue. Seeing my mom cry over something I said created enormous guilt for me. I can't stand to see my mom cry.
The bottom line for me is if I'm to be rigoursly honest with myself, then I would like to be just as honest with others. I may not always know how to say something in a non-confrontational way. Maybe my approach this morning was too "in your face" confrontational I'm not good at sugar coating things. I either don't say what I want at all or I just beat around the bush until I can't anymore and then just say it. Lately I've just been saying things and it feels good but also very uncomfortable.
Blessings,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I found that my AH always picks a fight w/me so that he has an excuse to go out & get trashed and stay out all night. He has always done this. It is like a way he justifies his partying. "She is pissed at me so why do I want to stay at home? I'll just go hang out w/my buddies for a while." As soon as I realize that he was doing this, I quit fighting back. And I quit asking him questions that I knew would force him to lie to me. I know the answers to my questions dee down already....why ask them and make him lie about it. So typically I just ignore him completely. I am not saying this is the right way to handle things but at least we aren't saying things to hurt each others feelings.
One of the many "tools" we got taught in our week long 12-step based Insite course I took a few years back, dealt with exactly this issue.... As Al-Anons, we often apologize or think for some reason we have to rationalize or explain our feelings.... It was quite enlightening to learn that "our feelings" are truly OURS, and we have every right to each and every one of them... Some are healthy, some are not, but they are still ares to have....
The one tip that was told to us, to ensure that we are truly talking about OUR feelings, and not using them to control or influence others, is simply to start most sentences with "I feel...." As in, although we might mean them in the very same vein, the following two statements can come off as completely different to our A's, or others:
1. I don't like that you are not going to AA...
2. I feel scared, when you are not working your program....
The difference is subtle, but the first one can easily get taken as aggressive, whereas the second one is simply how WE feel, and nobody can really get too challenged by that...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I have the same issue, and it is very tough. It is funny that you mention the A gets adgetated when they have not done something properly. I really noticed this with my A-Son. Life is fine and dandy then all of a sudden, everything makes him angry... everything around him upsets him.
That's about when we unearth what "really" happened. Went hunting with his car payment money or something.
My AW does this too, but it is much more subtle.
I appreciate Tom talking to the way we say how we feel. I am not used to expressing that to the A's in my life (or anybody else), and I might be less likely to beg forgiveness if I stated it in a non-demanding way, and was sure of it.
Maybe I should pre-write a list ... some sort of cheat sheet. She might get pissed if I write them on my arm or something. ;)
When it comes to validating my feelings this is about the only place I have ever had sucess doing that. I so appreciate that I was lead to this place and that you all are here!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
...Their reactions are not my problem. My responsibility to myself is to communicate my feelings with honesty...
I think you hit the nail on the head right there. We are not responsible for their reactions, only our own. While reading this I was reminded of "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." As Tom mentioned, saying "I feel.." is a good way of expressing ourself non-confrontationally. I recall a line my sponsor shared with me that is good to use when someone reacts to something I've said... "I'm sorry you feel that way" combined with walking away, if necessary, to avoid getting drawn into an argument. Also I am reminded of the tool JADE - You don't have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain.
I've been told we have the right to express how we feel, but we have the responsibility to do so in a kind manner (just think to yourself, if the shoe were on the other foot, how would you want the other person expressing themself to you? With kindness or with anger/resentment?) I believe it is always easier to discuss issues when you do so in a kind, understanding, open-minded, manner. I also believe there are some things it is not necessary for me and my husband to agree upon (a good example would be politics - we can agree to disagree without it having a major impact on our relationship). Other things we may disagree upon but can often find compromises that strike a mid-way balance between how we both feel.
Communication is truly a fine art. When one (such as myself) has grown up not knowing how to communicate in a healthy way, it is really hard learning how to change all those years of unhealthy communication to healthy communication. But I've found that it is possible. Progress not perfection. I still do "slip" at times, but I pick myself back up, apologize if needed (for How I said it, example "I'm sorry I yelled, I am just so frustrated"), and work harder on expressing myself healthily.
A good Al-Anon book that talks a lot about communication is "The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage". I got mine used thru our bookstore (Amazon) here. I found it very helpful.
In support, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I think that making us responsible for their bad feelings is so so key to their acting out. I do not engage with my A on the same level. I don't ask him that much about his life. I no longer volunteer in the same ways. Believe me I still have tremendous issues with things he does. I just don't allow them to eat at me in the same way. Ironically when I stopped trying to make the relationship work so much things change. He could always wedge me between his friends before. When I stopped allowing myself to be caught in that things shifted. When his friends came to the door I did not answer. I said I think that is for you dear. I can't get up because I have a large dog lying on me. I would get up and be right in the thick of it before.
Of course I did not get there overnight. I can still get tremendously upset over the stuff he put me through over his friends. The issue is that I don't get in the middle today. Of course I have had to find support elsewhere for all my emotional issues. I bring none of them to the A. I also have to try to make a plan for the holidays when he traditionaly abandons me. I try to focus absolutely on me and not to spend that much time worrying about his program, his health and his issues. Of course that is not easy. I had to borrow money to have as a back up. Rather than worry about if he didn't pay a bill, I just have that money in place in case I need it. As of yet I do not. Nevertheless it is a security I did not have. I know without a shred of a doubt that my A was never ever grateful for all the times I paid for things that he was meant to. I also know that I have to depend largely on myself, he is no back up for me.
Walking on eggshells is such hard work. I am glad that I do not do that in the same way anymore. I know it absolutely exhausted me on many many levels.
My A called to say hi and I love you... I expressed to him that I missed him and wanted to see how things were going for him. He said fine. O.K. maybe I should have left it at that, but I needed to say how I have been feeling lately. He has looked for reasons not go to counseling or meetings this week. He's been working a lot, fine... but Monday night he said he went to a meeting, but he didn't and I'm sure he lied about it too, because he wanted to start a fight the next morning. I'm picking up on how he operates. When he does something he knows he shouldn't do, he gets mad at me, accuses me of having an attitude and is just down right nasty and negative until I usually get pissed off and confront him on it. I didn't confront him, I knew he lied... I kept my mouth shut because I know he knows he should've gone. 
