"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

suzydawn · Member

need input

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((((Suzy)))))))))))),

No words of wisdom, only experience here. No one can tell you wether or not to leave someone. After all we are not living with him, nor are we you. If you can, try and get to some face to face meetings in your area. Start doing some research. Read the blue book, epecially the chapters on families and wives. Only you can decide what is best for you. If you can't make the face to face meetings, try our online meetings here. I found it very difficult to get to my f2f, but I love the online meetings here. Or just come chat with us when the meetings aren't going on.

Alanon will give you the tools you need to make the choices that are right for you. Remember you must not loose yourself in his disease. Your recovery must be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses to recover or remain active.

Welcome to the family.

Live strong,

Karilynn

quest · Veteran Member

lots of (((((hugs))))) for you. well, i can't really offer advise for what is good for you, but i can tell you my experience. i too told my husband that we should stop drinking so much on the weekends after we had our first child. as far as i knew we stopped. occasionally i thought he drank a lot, but he always denied it and said he was tired or something. well, unfortunately this is a progressive desease, which means it is going to get worse and worse if untreated. and now, after almost 20 years we are separated. it has been so painful for me and our 4 kids. he has done terrible things in the desease, things he is ashamed of and things that have hurt all of us. thru al-anon i have learned alot about me and my role in this whole thing and have really learned so much and am doing so much better. the only advise i can really give you is to keep coming back and to regularly to face to face meetings near you. you are so much ahead of where i had ever been just by reaching out to this board and through your job. stick with it, you deserve a great life!!!! luv - quest

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Suzy)))

My heart goes out to you because I've been and still am in the same sort of situation. When I became pregnant I said the same thing, I don't intend to raise our children with an alcoholic. I knew very little about this disease then, I thought starting a family would be motivation enough for him to want to quit. I was wrong. This disease grabs a hold of good people, the behaviors they begin while drinking and drugging seem to spill over into their lives when their sober. My A got a DUI 8 years ago, and could not get it together to save the money to get his license back. This year "we" finally took our income tax return money and paid everything off. Up until recently he was still drinking a driving. I can't tell you what would be best for you and your baby. I have stayed with this person for a lot of reasons, love, fear, the kids adore him, guilt.. However, working this program has helped me see how important I am and the kids. If my A chooses alcohol again, I'm not willing to go through the drama and hurt any longer. I have come to realize and still realizing that I deserve more from a partner. Right now, he's in recovery he may relapse and o.k. I expect that, but to go back again and say I don't have a problem and this is just how I am accept it or not. I will opt for the "not" if there is a next time. My motivation for not accepting his denial and behavior is myself and my kids, I have boys too, and I want them to have a chance to become well rounded people. I don't want them to see my A belittle or verbally abuse me because he's angry about his life. I don't want them to see its o.k. to walk off jobs because a woman will take care of you if you screw up.

Keep coming back you will find the answers you need, you don't have to choose now either. I am still hanging on hoping this time recovery will stick... until then, I'm focusing on my recovery and getting my motivation to do some things for myself that I've been procrastinating on.

Blessings,

Twinmom~

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

No real words of advice, other than perhaps validation from a neutral party that four DUI's, losing his license for life, etc., are definitely HUGE red flags towards your B/F having a problem with alcohol, and he seems firmly in denial.

You've come to a good place to start.... This board will help you figure out stuff, as will Al-Anon... I would also recommend one book in particular - "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews. That book taught me more than I ever could have dreamed I wanted to know about alcoholism and addiction, and it opened my eyes to a whole new world. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and typically people like your b/f will get worse, if they continue to feed their addiction...

Take care of you, and hope you keep coming back

Tom

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

Alanon meetings 800-351-9996

Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666

Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.

Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I can certainly relate to the should I go or should I stay issue. That was pretty much burning on me when I got in these rooms 6 months ago. I can imagine it is a huge sense of responsibility with a child. I do know that since I have been in these rooms my life has got infinitely easier. I feel so so so much better. I also do not look at the A's behavior as reflecting on me. These days my focus is very very much on me and not on him or his life. I can't say when and if I will live or how. I do know I do not torture myself with it anymore. I also know that if you can get to a meeting here they have them twice a day unfortunately for me they are east coast time so I do not get to them that much these days. I know those meetings really helped me tremendously for a long time. The chat room here is also a source of lots of wisdom. Another thing I would throughly recomend is to spend time daily on this board. My sense of community, belonging and being known and cared about really went up from being in this group. I also know that once I started acting on some of the "suggestions" in this group my life improved a lot. I can't say my A became sober, life became great but things certainly improved immeasurably. I was at a real low low point when I came here. I have tremendous challenges but I do feel much much better about myself. I am glad that you are here and look forward to getting to know you.

Maresie.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"