The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to my consultation w/a divorce lawyer on Friday. What a great meeting! This woman was absolutely wonderful. She answered all of my questions, covered everything. She gave me the property settlement papers needed to file for separation. All I have to do is answer these questions, have my AH review it, sign it & get it notorized, turn it in w/a fee....and WHAM, we are separated. It is this simple b/c it is uncontested and my AH is very agreeable about who gets what.
So I left the meeting feeling great. Like I was in control for once. I hadn't even reviewed the settlement papers.....figured I would do it later when I had plenty of time. I wasn't going to mention any of this to my AH. I just wanted it to be my Ace in the Hole, the card up my sleeve. When I got home though my AH was in a grumpy mood. I couldn't figure out what his problem was. All he said was that he had had a bad day. I was thinking to myself, "How? All you do is sleep all day! What could have gone bad?" Well, I found out at 2:30 AM when he woke me up and said he had a question to ask me.
So I dragged my groggy butt out of bed & went down stairs to see what he wanted. He asked me if there was anything I needed to tell him. Anything I was keeping from him. I couldn't figure out what he meant....except the Lawyer meeting. Turns out he found out about the meeting somehow and he won't tell me how. He said that if I was planning on filing for separation then I needed to clue him in on it. B/c he was working towards recovery and getting his life back on track and if I was going to leave him, he may take a different path. I don't know what he meant by that but figured it could mean anything ..... from not getting clean to taking a job in another state. He said that if I was planning on leaving him regardless of what he does then I should do it now vs. leading him on like everything is going to be fine. I couldn't answer his questions. I didn't know what I was going to do. When I didn't immediately answer, he said that answered his question. He said he would sign anything I wanted him to. He didn't want or need anything except his clothes.
I told him that I love him but that I couldn't keep on living the way we are living. He made all these promises: getting a good job, putting the kids & me on the top of his priority list, not doing anything that doesn't involve the family, no more drinking, no more drugs, no cigs or tobacco. He said he was ready to experience life w/out the haze of alcohol & drugs smothering the true joy out everything. We talked a lot, about how things should have been, how they could be. He made lots of promises.
I am a fool.....but the conversation landed us in bed together. (That is usually where we end up). Saturday I decided that if we were going to try to make a go of this marriage again, then I needed to give it my all. So I put on my weddings for the 1st time in 3 weeks. The kids & I rode w/him to the dump. We went to get him and my son haircuts and stopped off at the grocery store. We cooked dinners together, cleaned together, slept together ALL weekend. This morning he was showering me w/affection while I was trying to get ready for work. He said that he had a lot of lovin' to make up for.
So I know I am being foolish. I feel foolish. I feel like we have become one of those couples that are "On Again, Off Again" that I swore I would never become. I am so wishy washy on what I should be doing. I guess I am just living in the moment and I worry about that. Is it going to get me into trouble? I can only imagine what family & friends are thinking.....that I either need to leave him or stay & shut up about it. I can't help but want the wonderful marriage that he described we could have if we both want it & work towards it. But at the same time, I am doubting him and his ability to get clean. He questioned me about that too. He said that he needed me to believe in him again...believe he can beat this addiction, give him support and not give up on him.
I told him that he has shattered my heart so many times in our 13 years of marriage and every time I put it back together but each time a piece or two turn up missing. And that every time I have to do this I build a little wall around me to help protect me and that that wall is getting taller & thicker and I am scared to let him back in it. This tore him up. He promised to work hard in his recovery, to get a good job, to be the man I deserve and the man he knows he can be.
SO I GUESS I NEEDED RE-ASSURANCE THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE TO GO BACK & FORTH ABOUT STAYING W/MY AH OR LEAVING HIM. IT IS SO CONFUSING.
Just want to know, "Are you talking about your life or mine?" Because you have pretty much described my life prior to recovery to a "T". We never know when this could be the "time" that sobriety works for them, I hope and pray it does. My only suggestion would be to have a plan B.
My husband has three plus years of recovery. He works a very strong program. He is 50 years old and this is the longest he has been clean and sober since his early twenties. I know that there is always possibilities of slips in this program. For that not to drive me crazy, I have to have a Plan B. I have a safety net for me incase that happens. Not that I would leave him if it did, but I have a way of protecting my serenity and my program so that I don't lose what I have work for.
Best wishes for recovery for your family,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
oh you are not alone. i did the same thing. 12 years of marriage.but the thing is i believe that the man who wanted me, was kind and loving to me was the real him. the drug addicted, abusive,stranger he became when he let his addiction take control was not him. i loved my family. and all the back and forth i now see was necessary to get me where i am today. i did not take my decision to divorce him lightly. that is why i kept going back and giving it another try. i had to be sure. and i was never comfortable with the decision. until now. so be gentle with yourself. one family member said to me she thought my going back was a good thing. that it was showing the kids that just because someone we love is sick does not mean we throw them away. that perspective helped me so much when i felt i was being judged. i think i tried to enjoy the good times and have no expectations for the future--good or bad. i really began to apperciate the life we were living--with all it's ups and downs. i think towards the end it became much more important to see the beauty of our family because i felt it was ending and i wanted to have the good memories and enjoy the moment. i think my marriage has died a 'natural death'. i didn't force it. it just is what came to be. whatever you decide you are not alone. we understand and we don't judge. good luck and know you are right where you are supposed to be...luck and love
Hey, if all you need is reassurance that you aren't the only one in the world who went back and forth about a gazillion times with your A, you are in luck, cuz I'd guess that almost ALL of us are guilty of the same thing, lol.
Realistically, you are aware your eyes are open, and you are entering into this new phase with a lot in your favor.... Try not to get too far ahead of yourself, or projecting 'happily ever after' just yet.... Trying again isn't a bad thing, unless you are putting your health and serenity on the outcome...
You can file for separation anytime, so making "one last effort" or more, can help you get to where you need to get to.... sometimes that will turn into his 'rock bottom' and he'll choose sobriety, other times it is just another bump in the road...
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think we know in our hearts when we are DONE. I never quite got there with my A and I'm so glad I didn't. I got my miracle (after 19 yrs) and am enjoying living in the moment.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You can only do what you feel is right!! There are so many here who are "wishy washy"--but I don't think we see that as a bad thing. I think it's a growth thing!!! We have to do what we have to do!!! Just keep taking care of yourself. There isn't anything saying you can't hold onto those papers for "just in case", is there? Be supportive of your H, but be realistic (as much as possible) too. My AH is trying to work his program right now--do I wish this were the time it was going to happen for good? Yes, yes, yes--do I realize that this probably isn't the end-yes. But here I am, in the cycle with him. I will try to take care of me and the kids and let him take care of him. That's all any of us can do.
Giving ONE more try to save a 13 year marriage is NOT wishy-washy in my humble opinion!
I would take on a gargantuan a** kicking, walk through a room crawling with poisonous snakes, spend the night in bed with Hillary Clinton (I am a straight conservative, this is truly nightmare material), eat shards of broken glass, cut off my own pinky toe, suck a pustuous boil out of an abortionists butt crack (I am also adamently PRO LIFE, this is even more nightmarish material) YOU NAME IT...unless it involves killing, or anything happening to my kids, I would do it, JUST TO HEAR MY A SAY THOSE THINGS TO ME - AND MEAN IT, OR HELL EVEN HALF MEAN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TO TOUCH HIM AGAIN AND HIM MEAN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Even if God only had 4 hours more of life intended for me afterwards I would die VERY happy!
I say, to Hell with everyone else who is passing judgment in your family about your on again off again. IF he doesnt mean it, if this is just more active A manipulation and that is OH so lovely to endure, then I think you should get a plan B, always with the back-up that is me. Alcoholism has taught me to have many a plan.
I pray that you will realize in your own heart and mind what is best for YOU and what YOU need to do for yourself and your children....all my best wishes and HOPE for a promising outcome! You give me hope too!
I too wonder if you have been living my life. I don't have a recovering H, I have an active one, but am dealing with the same confusion you are. Based on many of the posts after this weekend, it seems that all was right with our AH's and us. I too fell into bed with him this weekend despite a seperation going on three weeks....and after 13 yrs of marriage..this is sep. number 4. I don't have all of my eggs in this basket yet. I still don't know if i am capable of this lifestyle. I do know that I am not ready to throw it away...and just want to be happy. This is my one and only objective...because me happy=my children happy.
I agree with Jen....to hell with those that would judge, because we have all been there at one time or another...of course I wouldn't do HALF of the things she said she would.....but a fair share of them!
Be gentle with yourself....don't think too far in the future, and feel your feelings...listen to your heart. The heart that loves YOU. I hope you find serenity. You are not wishy washy, but a loving woman.
Thank you EVERYONE!!!! for all of the wonderful support. What in the world would I do without y'all, I just do not know.
I will continue to work on my plan B "just in case" option. I am trying to remind myself EVERY DAY that just b/c it has been a good day for us, things could still blow up in our faces.
I asked him if he was ok last night b/c he looked like he was down and had a lot on his mind. He said he was doing ok and that he didn't want me to worry any more....that he WANTS his life back, sobriety and to be clean & haze free. He said he can do this as long as he has his family by his side. Oh I pray that this is true and not just another tactic to keep me hanging on. I don't know, maybe he really does believe this in his heart. I just hope that belief keeps him strong when the cravings hit.
Thanks again to everyone. Hope y'all are all having a great day. It is Wednesday, the week is 1/2 over.
