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Having some trust isssues. First let me say that when I met my husband, he was the only man I had ever trusted, he didn't gawk @ other women. He didn't flirt with them.
But lately, I am not feeling very trusting of him. He has become good friends with our nieghbors, they are alcoholics. I witnessed very embarrassing behavior a few years ago @ a neighborhood party.
I do not get invovled with the neighbors any more. But when I am at work, he goes over there drinking. I have seen his friends wife get flirtacious when she is drunk, his mother (70 yr old) hangs on the men.
Then there's a new couple, not married, friends with this neighbor couple. The wife met the women @ work, they used to stop @ the local bar after work, they beame god friends.
This woman was coming on to another of my husbands married friends. She wanted to move in with them!!!
So, now there is 2 couples, one married, the other not, that he hangs out with. Of course they all have weekends & Holidays off, I on the other hand have to work every other weekend & every other Holiday.
Memorial day being my holiday to work. Hubby's brother drove here on his motorcycle, they were going riding (bil is in AA 4 1/2 yrs now) Well, the 2 couples went with them. Both those women ride behind their men, they get far too drunk to ride solo!!! Of course they stopped @ a bar, bil went straight, he didnt stop with them.
So hubby is @ bar alone (he doens wear wedding band, hasnt for years) with these 2 couples.
I tell him I am very uncomfortable with that situation. He says, I don't "screw around" & that all they do is have a couple beers.
I happen to feel uncomfortable about theses people. They are the ones he made a video with 3 years ago, says it was for "fun" and that we were "broke up", I said we were NOT broke up, I tried to kick you out, but you refused top leave, we were NEVER broke up, you NEVER left, we NEVER got separation or divorce, how can you justify that??
I tried to explain to him that it is not the actual physical act of an affair, but the goings on that bother me, the stuff I have witnessed before, that I am not around to see what is happening.
He does all this drinking when I am @ work. I am just having a hard time beleiving he is Mr. Innocent. And these women are Ms. Goody goodies that totally behave themselves when drunk.
I told him he needs a drunk bar fly for a wife, he says he loves me, that he likes me the way I am ,but he cannot count on one hand the times in one month he & I actaully did something for fun together, but he doesn't have enough fingers to count all the times he goes off with his friends.
I know I ned to do things with my friends, I do , but mine don't live next door, they work day jobs I work evenings, plus what is the point in being married if you have 2 seperate lives???
We have 2 seperate lives!!!!!!!!! All we do is live under the same roof, is that a marriage??
Sounds like you are having a very rough time. In my opinion, I think he is betraying you by participating in the things he is doing and by hanging around with the people he is, nevermind whether he is actually cheating on you. I mean, really, he's hanging out with the couple he made the video with? That's absolutely ridiculous. If he had respect for you he would realize that those are the absolute last people he should be associating with. If he truly wanted your trust and respected you, then he wouldn't do things that cause you to feel upset.
To me, it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. As far as I'm concerned, him putting you through all of this is a form of emotional abuse. That saying that goes something like "if you lay down like a doormat, people will walk all over you" comes to mind here. Be strong and have the respect for yourself to not let him do this to you. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH LOVE AND RESPECT!
You deserve respect, and you deserve to be in a marriage of love and trust and compassion. I couldn't put up with his crap, but I'm not you and I obviously don't know the whole situation. Maybe there's a reason you stay in an unhappy marriage (kids?). Everyone has their own reasons. I will pray for your relationship and hope that things work out for you no matter what you decide to do.
Speaking from experience, I've dealt with trust issues in the past. My advice would be not to waste your time being miserable with him. Move on and find someone who you can have a good relationship with.
-- Edited by Jayda at 12:33, 2006-05-30
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Just concentrating on getting through one day at a time.
I so know that feeling, I get a sick feeling in my stomach whenever my "A" is out with his friends. I don't trust his "friends" either. It has always bothered me, and been a sore subject when I bring it up. I don't think my "A" would seek another female out, my worry had always been what happens if she comes on to him first.
Take things one day at a time. I sometimes feel that he and I are more like roomates than spouses. I do my things for me and I am getting better, hopefully he will to. If not he is the one who will lose out. That is how I feel about it.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I can totally feel your pain, you are married but yet you have no campanion, he on the other hand has the best of both worlds. He has his booze becaue that is first and formost. He has his drinking buddies, and the ho bags....lol
Then my dear friend horse, he has you...to keep everything running smoothly. He has it all so why should he change. I know this from experience I let the alcoholic live as he pleased right under my very nose.
I say alcoholic because how can I call him my hub when most ot the time I don't even know him.
I'm sure he does love you, love has absolutely nothing to do with alcoholism.....It's about making choices in my opinion.
Wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for ya, I can only tell you that it is your life also....you have to be willing to make changes for anything to ever change horse.
If you think about it, he does what he wants while you work and then he comes home to a nice meal, good woman and a nice place to live.
What more could he ask for??????....You are the one needing more....so take it horse, take more.......
Hello Debbie , well i hear ya but there is nothing u can do until u have some proof and there is a pretty good chance he isn't fooling around, alot of A's dont , he is hanging with them cause they drink and he feels comfortable with them ,they accept him just the way he is . We on lthe other hand have expectations and they know they can't meet them while drinking.
We try so hard to not have expectations but they kinda slip in there occasionally. Try not to worry until u have something to worry about (and i hope that never happens ) Trust yourself and learn from what u see don't let your imagination get the best of you . Louise
Thank you all for the responses. I know, he has it made here. But lately he has been sleeping on the couch, I don't want him near me. I really believe he has been faithful, as far as other women go, but he puts everything above me.
I refuse to cook, only on a rare occasion. I buy out for my dinner @ work. I think I'm going to get frozen dinners for myself!
He claims he loves me & that he is trying to change, but I don't see it. We both have Thursday off, he says he is "trying" to spend more time with me, I say if you have to "try" then it is not worth it! It shouldn't be such an effort!
Any way, I am getting together with some of the girls from work for lunch, then Thursday nite is my f2f meeting that I will NOT miss to spend time with him!
My next weekend off, I am going to see about going to my alanon friends house, she has a pool!!!
I need to work on me, loose some weight, get a tan this summer. For ME!! To help me feel better about me!
To heck with him. He has turned out to be no different then any of my previous bf's. I thought he was different, in the beggining, he didn't act like this. Now, he has to be Mr. Popular with his friends.
At the expense of his marriage, if you can call it that. We are more like "housemates".
He seems to think our relatioship is wonderful, he tells me we have a great life!!! I say, yeah in your mind we do!!! haven't you heard me the past 7, 8, 9 years????????
We are married on paper! That is it!!!!!!!!!! Our marriage dies when he started letting the friends becoem #1!!!!!!!!!
He even plans on retiring together! What a joke, I am saying I don't know if we will be together next year & he talks about "our" retirement, how we will do things togehter, what a joke!!!!!!! I said you don't like me now, you don't want to spend time with me NOW, what makes you think you will when we retire!!!! I am making plans for my days off, that do NOT include him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you all!
I can definitely relate to the isolation, the sense of being left out but more than that the sense of being wedged. I think some people are incredibly manipulative. I know my A's friends are a real bunch. The one's he has just had are either lost in their alcoholism, about to lose everything, totally narcissistic to the point of feeling entitled to everything or semi together. I do not socialize with the A anymore. I am not a partyer. I am these days focused on my own life so I don't mourn we are not a couple. I did for years and the resentment was terrible. I leave that side alone while I keep working on rebuilding my self. I lost my self somewhere along the line.
