The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am just having a very tough, emotional day...so I thought I would write a bit. I went away with my 2 best girlfriends this weekend, had a wonderfully relaxing time...but the quiet made me do some thinking. I think when I got away from life, the hustle and bustle of the last month of separation from my husband caught up with me. Also, when I think and feel...I hurt. I am feeling like divorce is where we are headed and today I am crying because that hurts so much. The last 11 years have hurt so much...the fact that I feel like I have nothing left to give to save this marriage hurts so much. Tomorrow is a new day...maybe it will hurt less. Thanks for listening, Robyn
I am so sorry you are hurting .. I truely know how you feel.. Just remember, you didnt cause him to start and you cant make him stop.. A marriage takes two and cant be fixed unless both want to repair what is broken. I know the pain of a marriage ending is overwhelming, I have those same feelings.. Feelings of failure, that I didnt do enough.. Thanks to alanon and the friends that I have made here I realize I did all I could .. I know that my friends try to help too, but unless they are married to someone with this disease they just dont understand.
Keep looking up, let him be your guide.. Take time for YOU .. I have been told that in time the pain will lessen..
Sometimes crying is both necessary, and healthy.... If the last eleven years have been mostly hard and painful, you may be headed down a path that will ultimately good for you.... I know, for me, I struggled with the same issues, and it took me a long time to accept the FACT that I was grieving the "concept of an ideal marriage", as opposed to the loss of my marriage, which was none of the above. I lived in a lifeless, loveless marriage for far too long, and I stayed because I wanted to believe in 'happily ever after'. Like many things in life, we don't always see or know what is really in store for us....
Take care of you...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I am crushed about losing my A. He broke my heart in to so many pieces, he devastated me and I LOVE this man with ALL of my heart. I have not spoken to him or seen him in a week. I passed him today, he smiled and waved and I SNUBBED HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! It was HARD, but I did it, and guess what? It gave me a little bit of my dignity back that he stripped away from me.
I was alone in the cemetery walking on Sunday evening. I did 3 laps. Feeling my endorphins kicking in, feeling great, then BAM...too much alone time, just me and the dead people, and my heart and mind are FLOODED with thought of A. I stopped and prayed and BEGGED God either send him back to me, ready to go back to AA, work the 12 steps and live as a recovering alcoholic in a healthy adult relationship OR strip the desire for him from my heart, what is the point God? Why make me devoted and in love with someone who will never love me back or someone I can build a life with? Only He knows the reasoning...
BUT and this is a Giant But...MY FEAR of letting go, of not taking care of him, not loving him, moving on to be alone or with someone new, not having my A in my life IS what has really motivated all this grief. Logically I know better, he does not deserve me, he will never make me happy, he will never be anything more than a fall down drunk, he does not want to change and he wont change. BUT I held on to him in my heart for 10 years and 10 years is a long time to love someone passionately and completely.
We will get through it together! you wait and see! keep posting!!!!
