The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just read the "Separated" string. I've been separated for a year and divorced for 6 months. In some ways it doesn't get any better! At least it didn't for me. Well, not at first. It got real bad actually because I got so depressed when I least expected it. I thought I was gonna feel this huge wave of relief, and instead I got hit by a tidal wave of grief.
Then my alcoholic ex-husband hit bottom, or as I like to say, bounced around on the bottom for a few weeks. His boss sent him to rehab. (took over my old role of enabling) Those were the best darn 28 days of my adult life. I wish he could have stayed there forever. I just knew that as long as he was there, I could concentrate on myself and forget about him completely.
Now he's out 2 weeks, and relapsing already. I'm so determined not to relapse myself. In the time that it took me to drag myself out of that hole of depression - while he was in rehab - I learned so much about myself and my illness. I learned to stop accepting partial recovery from depression and press my doctor for 100% relief of symptoms - and I got it! As a result of conquering the "biological" depression, I was able to make huge progress in my understanding of my issues - that I'm not just the ex-wife of an alcoholic, I'm an adult child of an alcoholic too. I really needed to confront those issues.
But now he's relapsing and I can feel the pull backward. But I'm resisting. The progress was so good, I could actually see the results when I would talk with my son and feel myself being present instead of being distracted by my thoughts about other things. I even felt more present walking my darn dogs. It felt so good to be free from all that thinking and just be in the moment.
Hello Lisa , your still not responsible for his sobriety . Leave the problem with him right where it belogs . U don't say if your attending meetings for yourself , if not I hope u find some quick your going to need support to get thru this and to remain strong. You will find the support u need in Al-Anon rooms . good luck Louise
I agree, you are not responsible for their actions.. Their sobriety they have to own it .. You are only responsible for only your actions.. I would agree, find a meeting.. Talk with them often, seek support and a shoulder from them.. Dont discount the strength you have within.. Be strong and be good to yourself..!!
First let me tell you I can certainly relate to your post. I have been separated for over 3 years, divorce pending after being married for over 30 years. I still have difficult days where I think of him constantly, and honestly, I truly miss him very much. I know exactly about talking with someone , meanwhile your thoughts are focussed on the A ( alcoholic). I am getting better however and I tell you it "does not" happen overnight! I have been attending alanon for over 6 years, and I have struggled with losing him to this disease daily. It is a constant driving force for me to carry on the best I can with what I have today. Keeping the focus on me has not been the easiest thing, as I am a caregiver of sorts and always wanting to take care of someone. I think this is very common with us alanoners,,we can help, we can fix, we can soothe etc. However taking care of ourselves and putting ourselves first in our lives can be a very daunting task, at least for me it is. I know for me it has helped tremedously to go once a week to my alanon meeting. I hope you stay close to your alanon friends in these trying times, and if you have a sponsor call her/him when the so called stinking thinking erupts, as it will help you make it over that hump one day a time.
