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I'm angry confused and need to vent ... any ESH would be appreciated.
In the last few days for various reasons I have had contact with my AH who I filed for divorce from a week ago. In the last 3 days I have been told
"I'm gonna get you back"
"You keep my wedding ring we'll use them when we get remarried"
"I'm not trying to get you back"
"want to go on a date?"
"Want to have sex?"
"Are you home I'll call you back in a few minutes stay there" 2 hours later I called him and he hung up on me LOL
I know I am not crazy but I am starting to feel like it's gonna push me to it. Is this the Aism? Is this the bipolar? Why do I even care? I do care though. I'm still the same as I was a week ago. I do not want this divorce, I wish I could go back to living like this but I can not. Not now that I have started it, not without seeing EXTRAORDINARY effort on his part to manage his bipolar and a recovery program. I'm trying to keep it civil and fairly nice, all these switches in topic, attitudes etc are making it extremely hard.
Personally I think A's are very confusing in their attitudes. I would also say my behavior without recovery is very very confusing too. I know very little about bipolar but I know it is often accompanied by impressive denial. I am not suprized that many a's have a dual diagnosis.
At some point I stopped being confused and taking the a's behavior personally. When I did that and focused on me a lot changed in my life. Not a lot changed outwardly but inwardly an impressive amount changed.
I am only 2 days separated from my AH. I too have had a horrible time with the flip flopping. I have a million stories of my A doing and saying totally contradictory things about our relationship. There are a few other strange things that led me to believe he might be bipolar and in fact he stated last year that one of his therapists once suggested that he might be. We went to marital counseling and that therapist also suggested that he get a complete evaluation by a psychiatrist and he never did. I guess he was scared about what he would find out or that they would force him to stop drinking. Who knows. I did know that it wasn't my role to nag or coherce my AH to go see the psychiatrist. I wish he had because then maybe we wouldn't have bottomed out this time, but I have to believe that there is a higher purpose for everything.
I do know that alcohol effects alcoholics in a way that mimics mental illness and until they stop drinking, it is really hard to tell the underlying conditions.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and the confusion and frustration you feel is very normal. I have gone over and over what my AH has said and written and NO ONE can help me make sense of it. It is impossible because it is coming from someone who has been saturating his brain with a mind altering drug. His thinking and reasoning is distorted and as we know ours can get that way too just by having a relationship with an A.
I just suggest not trying to figure it out. It will end up with a lifetime of frustration and confusion. Just think about your feelings and your wants. I too don't want a divorce, but I can't allow someone to be so wreckless with my heart. A's can't help but be wreckless to all that encounter them.
i am 2 weeks away from the divorce being final. my ah doesn't know that. although i told him a many occassions over the past 3 months that he has been "out there" he doesn't believe me. i have said it before and not followed thru.this time is different for me. he doesn't get it. he thinks this will be like every other time and eventually i'll get over it and we will be back to being a family. me taking total care of him and the 3 kids and the finances and the house and the animals---everything. my ah was diagnosed bi-polar 1 almost 2 years ago. while he was in rehab for his crack addiction. it was a relief to finally have a dianoses and know that there was help for the mental illness part. he took his meds everyday. even when he didn't want to. whenever he would talk about stopping the meds i would just say "what will you tell our children if they have this mental illness and they want to stop the meds and go back to the insanity?" he was doing ok. the dr's said that having the mental illness under control he would find it much easier to deal with his addiction. he had been sober before being dianosed. it was hard because he was also fighting to stay sane and not give in to mania or depression only he didn't know it. that's his story. mine is i had to let go of trying to figure it out. figure him out. i can't. i do not have a mental illness or an addiction. i will never know what that feels like--thank god. so i had to give it up. surrender. understanding the whys did not make it easier to love him or easier to leave him.it just made it easier to not look at myself. i didn't leave in anger this time. i didn't leave because he is sick. i didn't stay for those reasons either. i am just at the point where i feel i can do it alone. and give the kids consistency and love and respect. things they were not getting when i was so focused on what my ah was doing or feeling or trying to say etc. my ah has come up with the silliest ideas lately. and he sees them as perfectly normal.i'm just the raving bitch who won't let him see his kids (he has not even asked to see them in 3 months). i'm the crazy one. he's not using now so what's the big deal? he loves me more than anything. gosh his kind of love has almost gotten me killed. i think i'd rather be treated indifferently......who knows i'm sure that would get me started too! good luck hon. hang in there and remember it's theirs not ours. if we want to know what ours is we have to stop and look. peace and love to you...
I'm not in the process of a divorce or even separated but I do have an AH who is Bipolar/ADD. He was only diagnosed less then two months ago so knowing what the problem is is still new to us. I have been wondering myself if I can do this for the rest of my life. This diagnosis answers the burning question of why but also confirms that it will never end. Infact there is a good possibility it will get worse.
I see so many couples in the program that seem to get it together and finally do get to live that happy sane life we all want so badly but is that possible with a mental illness? I don't want a divorce but I wonder if it's not inevitable down the road.
I know alcohol is the main topic for this board but it sure is nice to find others dealing with A partners that are also dealing with bipolar, ADD, drug addiction, gambling addiction, and all the other isum's.
The "whys" will drive you crazy, and the "whats" are that they are all examples of unacceptable and dysfunctional behaviors on his part... It's part of his disease, the whole roller coaster of "I hate you, I love you, I hate you" stuff....
Many times, we accept that our A's are sick (which they are), but then for some reason, we internally expect them to act sane and rationally..... Ain't gonna happen while he is active, and may not even happen once he gets sober!!
Glad you posted..... been there, done that, bought the book....
Common stuff, and tough for us to get our arms wrapped around sometimes...
Keep your chin up
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
