The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a year since my AH moved. I still ask why. Why didn't I see it coming? Why am I so lonely and apparently he is not? Why won't he go to meetings? Why can't I move on? Why am I left behind in an isolated area? Why do I keep asking him to come home? And he said it is too isolated for him; that he needs more services. I asked him if he cares that I am in an isolated area and have no services and he said no. Why do I keep hanging on to my marriage and he keeps threatening divorce? Why do I cry every night when I walk home from work and I know that I am going to an empty house?
I know that there are no real answers to alcoholism. I know that I need to work my program and pray for recovery and then maybe I won't need to know why. But one last question, why is he laying on my couch this weekend when he said that he wanted a divorce? I was apparently given the gift of being married to an alcoholic. Thank you HP.
I am sorry for your pain and lonliness and confusion.
For me I was the one who left when I could endure no more pain.
I am still lonely at times but have worked very hard to build a support network of friends, family and volunteer work that keeps my days and nights filled and the emptiness at bay.
That sure is a conflicting message if he is on your couch and out needing services
In support
Megan
__________________
Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
It's so hard not to ask, "Why?" isn't it? I am also dealing with the aftermath of a break-up. It has been tough to stay off of the "Why?" question, but for my own sanity I've had to let the whys go. There are four things that have helped me:
1). When I ask myself, "Why?" I answer my own question. That way, I break through my circular thinking of why, why, why!!!! The answer helps me stop and move on. I do know "WHY" even if I don't want to accept it, or even if I don't agree with my ex's reasoning. I also answer my "WHYs" about my own behavior. That helps me see why I am doing things and reminds me that I have CHOICES.
2) I draw one vertical line, one horizontal line across a sheet of paper to create a four-square grid, like so: +. Then, I label each area social, mental, physical, spritual. Under each category, I think about a) what in the area is fullfilling and healing, and b) take an inventory of what my needs are in each area. When I did this today, I was surprised to realize that I am really yearning for more spiritual fullfillment in my life. As I brainstormed ways to fullfill this need, I realized I really want to take advantage of the healing, spirituality of the outdoors this summer by: a) bringing flowers into my home b) eating supper on the porch and enjoying the sun b) biking in the woodsy area near my house.
3) I write out a list of five choices I have in any given situation. It helps me see that I really do have options. If I were living in an isolated area and hating it, I might write out my choices about that, and decide whether to stay, how to make it bearable if I do stay, or whether moving might be an option. It would allow me to see is it really the isolated area, or is it the way I am living in the isolated area?
4) I comfort myself. Last night, after a full, pretty good day, I started to feel so sad, suddenly and unexpectedly. I mean my heart area really ached with sadness, and the profound loss that accompanies the loss of any relationship. I observed the feelings for awhile, just felt them. Then I soaked my feet in a hot tub, read a good magazine, and gave myself a soothing self-massage to my face, my hands, and eased away the tension in my neck and shoulders. Felt so good!
(((((Nmike))))), I am wishing you some healing winds and some comfort during this difficult time!
Nancy, I think you answered your own "why" questions in your post..... The answer can sound harsh, but the "why" question is best answered by the fact that you are still making HIM the focal point of your life, and not yourself.
Al-Anon teaches us so much about self-care, taking care of our needs, and learning how to love ourselves again.... This process has to happen before you can love anyone in a healthy manner, in my humble opinion...
So try putting Nancy at the top of your priority list, and take care of her..... All the rest will fall into place, sooner than you could imagine...
Take care
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
