The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is in prison as I have posted about many times. I am so unsure how I feel. I have not spoken to him in 5 days as he is in reception now where there are no phones...
I used to be soooooooo in love with this man. I mean, i would have done anything for him. Slowly, i have come to see how sick we are together. (I now have two years sober, he has the 60+ days he has been locked up). The wierd thing for me is that I dont really miss him and I dont know if I love him anymore. I do LOVE him but its a wierd thing, its like the healthy part of me doesnt love him. I just keep thinking of the chaos he created, even sober,( and I dont want him to live with me when he gets out!!! How do i tell him that? Do I even need to yet?) I LOOOOOONG for him, but I dont feel that feeling anymore. What i think I long for is maybe the sickness we created, the chemistry of the addiction of our relationship. I miss THAT. I love loving him. Is that love?
Also. my sponsor has not called me back. She has been my AL anon sponsor for 11 years off and on (because I stop going). Should i keep calling? I am scared she is sick or something (she had cancer a while back) and my mom died of cancer 3 years ago. I dont know if I could handle that. Or maybe she is mad at me for not calling for the past 6 months. I know i should just call her again but what if my worst fears are true? How do you walk thru that fear?
Hello Sara , yes keep calling your sponsor , sometimes WE need you too. If she is ill she will need u to carry the message to her for awhile , to look for the positive to jsut live one day at a time , to always have faith that God will get u thru this , you know all the good stuff she shared with you when u needed her. (hugs) Louise
I feel your pain. I have hated the man I loved once too. I was able to get out of the merry-go-round and now live a much happier life. You can too, if you want it.
Calling your sponsor, yes, I would keep trying as well, but I would hope that you also have other closed mouthed friends you could call as well. I know when I need to talk to someone, I go down a list of numbers.
Now, about when to tell him, or not tell him, listen to your heart. Your gut instinct will give you the answer. Keep praying and God will be there holding your hand when you do make the decision!
Hi, well my A is in jail too. Have written you before. I would not tell my A about any of my feelings or decisions until he is free or right before. I keep telling him to take a day at a time.
I also know my feelings change all the time. So I don't share them with him. There are times I think I never want to see him again. Then I do. Needless to say, I drive myself nuts.
Anyway you sounded very confused. I know for me, I do not make any decisions when I am so confused. -
I am PM'ing you with my phone number, I thought I had done that previously...just in case, you can call me when you are feeling confused or desperate - I need someone to talk to too.
I would not tell him that you dont want him in your life or your home right now. Only because this guy sounds like an abusive a'hole from what I have read and he may go nuts on you, from prison not that he could do much, but I would just tell him right before he is released that he needs to move on and you intend to do the same.
I love my A too, and I hate him. When I face REALITY it is ugly and embarrassing. I let this guy sh*t all over me and all the while I am begging him to stay and love me.
The TRUTH is, and I am so scared to admit it....because the truth means letting go, I am RELIEVED and CONFIDENT and SECURE with my A gone. I do love him, desire him, want him and wish things were different...but, reality....scary and I hate it, but it is what it is.
WHY would any of us CHOOSE to live in this disease? It is all consuming and it seems once we're in we cannot get out. I know that I am affected by alcoholism FOREVER.
I find myself NOT praying as much NOT trusting in God as much, and that is part of my angry phase. I am angry with God for lifting me up to the highest high of my life, re-uniting with the ONE true love of my life after a decade AFTER I had prayed to God on the letter I mailed him, that he got the letter that re-united us, making us fall in love all over again, then BOOM I am thrown into the deepest Hell I have ever known.
