The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am back after an absence, then not long after i lost my computer for a few months. I have grown somehow in my absence i guess thats why hp took my computer away so i could really see, and i had to be alone to see it. I realized how very mean i was in chat also. How mean i was period. I realized that i do not allow anyone to connect with me, I can get attached to someone and hold one person dear, however if they choose to leave or not talk to me it doesnt phase me at all, i expect it so i never cross that complete connection, so i dont feel a loss. I have lived my whole life this way. I didnt choose to come to alanon on my own. I was told to come by a pshychiatrist who said you can see me or you can go to the alanon program. I didnt think i was insane enough to see a shrink on a regular basis so i chose alanon. Little did i know i was more insane that i thought ever possible lol.
I realized that the first time i was in mip i was in alanon f2f also the first time , my mind was whirling and it was so very confusing to me. It bothered me to hear the members not giving me advice, just saying this will pass and i would think, what you do mean THIS WILL PASS??? ITS THE END OF THE WORLD AGAIN WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, WHAT DO I DO. Thier reply would be trust god, trust yourself, and i used to get angry and repeat the same things over and over in chat until i felt reassured that what i was going through wouldnt be forever. I didnt listen though and continued to stay stuck in my situation hearing nothing but my own panic. Still expecting the older members to listen to me rambling even though i was rebeling against thier sugesstions.
I left after two years in alanon, when i was getting divorced. I know alanon gave me the courage to divorce however no one could relate to what was happening to me completely. I was having serious memories of my past childhood abuse and hearing my family yell. I would rant in chat and some of the members could not relate so i felt alone. I felt that i didnt belong in alanon. I had to quit f2f also because i had no sitter after ex left. Even though my mom babysat often she wasnt to quick to come for alanon she hated me in alanon. She cryed for two hours of what i would say if i went to alanon and i had to tell her it wasnt about her.
I returned to mip three years later, and a month before my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I had expectations of mip the last time because, my first experience was alot of older members understanding and listening and alot would let me rant my first time. I expected it to be the same with people more recovered than i was telling me which way to go. That wasnt the case. There were members with more recovery than me however not as recovered as i remember the members the first time. Who probably havent encountered someone like me so often with so much anger. They told me i was mean this time and angry and i rebeled badly, what?? you say im mean??? ill show you how mean i am then! and then and only then can you call me that. I have always lived this way. Thats not to say that the older members left me out to dry. Some had the courage to pull me into pm and show me and let me talk let me repeat over and over and i would say but to all they were saying I had an answer for everything.
In my absence i realized how mean i actually was and who the hell did i think i was to act this way and expect everyone to just take it? yep.. Because i never realized ( i know that sounds strange) I come back now very different from that person i am in between it though in between growth and leaving the person i was behind. Just afraid to do the work it requires. Terrified to let that person i was go. I feel lost without my anger. It is not that far out of reach trust me. Just let it go a little.
I want to Thank every single oldtimer in this program for without you we would be lost. I consider an oldtimer anyone more recovered than me lol. Thank you guys for putting up with me and believe me its not a put down i know what i did and what i said in the past. I truly never realized how very chaotic and dramatic i was. Thank you for guiding me and accepting me even when it is difficult for you and i know it is. Its hard to think what you as recovered members go through. I used to think you guys were amazing and my expectations were high. So high i expected you to be perfect and you certainly are human. I never felt accepted in alanon not here or anyother meeting i went to. NEver actually felt accepted anywhere at all. I know now that i do that, i make sure i wont be accepted, because its easier than being hurt.
I know when i was new i never thought of the older members feelings. I just thought you had to listen because alanon says so. I know its not the case, and you do have choices and have to take care of yourselves also. I hope i can one day have the amount of patience you have with us. Seven years of in and out of recovery and i feel i should already be recovered.
So all you oldtimers PLEASE KEEP YOUR PATIENCE AND KNOW WE ARE JUST LOST. kNOW THAT without you we would be the blind leading the blind. Thank you for all you do for us, thank you for being so honest and caring. Thank you for listening and accepting us as we are for the amount of time we choose to be. Thank you for knowing your boundaries and showing us what they are. Thank you every single oldtimer in this program. I dont think you guys are thanked often enough for what you do. It is because of you that this program works.
Know that a not so recovered member apprieciates you and as the new change person i am becoming. I am ready to listen. My eyes and ears are open thanks to you all.
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
Kerry - so great to see you back and you truly engaged in recovery because YOU want to. We all come here sick and all have our own character defects to deal with. I loved the old Kerry, and I know I will love you even more as you grow.
You will be such a gift to your girls in the years to come, as you grow together.
Letting go of old habits isn't easy, and we all have our days, Lord knows I have days I can't Let Go! But coming here, I usually hear just what need to snap my butt back into shape.
Growing Along beside you,
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Your share has brought tears to my eyes. I, too, loved you even when you were cantankerous (tee hee). I have to say that for me, sometimes, it is so hard to watch the ones we love in alanon suffer and all we can do is encourage, support, listen and tell them to keep coming. It's all an inside job.
I know for some, you truly made a difference in their lives. I am proud of you for owning up to your part and I am so happy that you came back. You've come a long way baby!
love ya, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Do I remember when I was there, and still do it to myself ! I believe we are all on a life jurne. Kinda like a puzzle, some similar fits and some not. All pieces though, that intertwine and curve and so on. I had tons of abuse and still am very confused at times. I sometimes still don't know which thing goes with which step. There was so much chaois when I grew up my mind still wants to do it even so I don't want it to. I've been trying for 20 yrs to unscramble the eggs. Learning to live with all those memories and and replant the garden is no easy job. I think its a lifelong process. I wanted instant fix and found there is none. We got what we got and now have to rearrange it to go foward. I was so angry about that, pheeew.......finally I had to just accept it and get on with it. And slowly but surely it gets better with every stumble of the way. Its not what I wanted, but what I have to do to live foward. It became an adventure for awhile. Now I have a new one and if it weren't for what I have learned before Hurricane Katrina, I don't think I would have made it. I've had alot of setbacks with the isolation part, but as of last week I have a new contact that promises to get me out of here. So Keep on Keepin' on. You got the Courage to hang in.
BlessingsPeaceCourageSerenity
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
(((((((((((kerry))))))))))))) so awesome to see you back. I don't consider myself an old timer by any means but you were here when I was a "newbie" and I remember relating to a lot of what you said and relating to your anger a lot. You didn't scare me!! lol. I love your sense of humor and as Maria says.....your "cantankerousness" if that's a word. There are a few here that I feel truly blessed to have met in my first few days, otherwise I don't think I would have stuck around, and I consider you one of those. Keep on being you, we'll keep on working it together. I love ya girl and it's good to see ya.
I too loved you before and missed you a lot when you left. I'm so glad you're back. (((((big hug))))
Thank HP that the "oldtimers" can overlook our defects and keep pulling us up that mountain no matter how many times we slip down and have to find our footing again. I'm very grateful for them too.
Your sistah in the hike, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
What a beautiful post (((kerry))). I totally agree with you, thank god for those oldtimers! Even when they can't relate to a particular thing we may be going thru, they still can either direct us towards an alanon tool that may help or to another member who can relate (with that other member's permission of course). And I think one of our most valuable tools is just listening to each other. Sometimes we just need to spew out all that venom and hurt, to empty ourselves of it, before we are able to then take a deep breath and look at what we can do to change. And some of us have more venom and hurt than others. That's why progress is such an individual personal thing, there is no set time limit for when you should be on which step. Not at all. We are exactly where we need to be at each moment in our life (whether we like it or not LOL). It always makes me feel so good to see someone who has been struggling for such a long time finally having a lightbulb moment. I can remember some of mine, and isn't it a great feeling when you get those and are able to move forward? I know for me it was such a relief! And how kind the oldtimers were to me as I was going thru some of my grieving times. I call it a grieving time as it truly felt like I was going thru the death of an emotion/thinking/attitude and having to find a new way of feeling/thinking. Very hard painful work but worth every moment of it. I don't call myself an oldtimer at all (I used to think that way when I had ohhhh maybe 3 or 4 months in hahahahaha - made ya laugh didn't I? heehee), I kinda feel its gonna be a real long time before I could view myself as one. The longer I'm here the more I see I have to learn.
I kinda look at how alanon works like this...as a mother teaches her daughters (or a father his sons) and those daughters/sons then pass on life's lessons to their children, so too the oldtimers pass on their ESH to us and we in turn to newbies after us. And sometimes ya know "mom" isn't quite sure about something and will turn to "grandma" for guidance and then return to "daughter" with "grandma's" words of wisdom. And sometimes "daughter" teaches "mom" something. I think its all great. HOW - honesty, open-mindedness, willingness. If we all have this, we all will learn.
There is a saying someone has after their signature in another group posting that I really love. "Al-Anon is not my whole life, but it has made my life whole."
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Back when I was new here at MIP I was new to online chat, although not new to al-anon, I had never been in a chat room before.
I recall listening to your loss of your mother and related in many ways. I so understood your grief.
I shared that I lost my mom two days before I turned 23 and that I was her caregiver like you were for yours. She was not an alcoholic, she was an adult child of one. It’s now been 14 years. I related in the sense of the anger and new grief you were feeling.
I can understand anger in relation to recovery, that it may be an ‘ism of ours. All I need to do is look at the index of any of our CAL literature to see this.
I have never seen even an “oldtimer” receive a degree in this program. I once asked a member who had over 20 years in program an at one of the face to face beginner meetings I attend (still do, it’s a great interchange of e, s and h) why they came so regularly – she told me that she “needed” to be there just as much as the newcomer -so she can continue to grow and work it. She shared that she has everyday struggles that were no different from another’s where she needed to apply al-anon. Step Twelve comes to mind: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and practice these principles in all our affairs. Even Concept Four: Participation is the Key to Harmony (for reference here I just looked at the questions at the end of that chapter in Paths To Recovery) I will also add that I benefit from the wisdom, the experience, strength and hope from our ancestors in our program who invite me in our common bond and show how the program works.
Case in point I am grateful there is no final graduating degree. Selfish thinking, huh?!
I agree I am so appreciative for the oldtimers -for all their patience, love and tolerance.
I remember you speaking so lovingly of your children. I can bet you anything my child is happy I keep at this program. I remind myself daily, that it’s progress not perfection and this is process that unfolds.
I have come to know that the people here who are truly sincere, either come here looking to get help, or to give help. Usually, for the more experienced ones it's a blend of both. We all have something to offer; we all have something we need.
The one thing I have found about THIS site, is that the experienced members, and many of the lesser experienced ones too, are some of the most compassionate, truly open and loving people I have ever come across in my life. I came here, torn and upset, but willing to learn to use the tools available to apply to my own unique set of circumstances. I felt these sweet people reach out to me from the first moment I arrived. I thank God for their patience, understanding and willingness to share their stories as they unfold, and their experiences they share for our sake.
One of the most difficult things I have ever had to deal with in my life is angry frustration. When anger comes as a form of helplessness, it feels like a complete and total separation from love, from help, from any semblance of joy. To me, we are not meant to live in isolation, because all of us have love within us. We can't live without that which makes us alive, any more than we can live without the air that we breathe. We are just as much connected to our world as fish in the water are connected to theirs. And for me the same goes with love. It is within all of us, so we are only alone to the extent that we have the perception of being alone. We are only limited by our limited perceptions. And the one blessing that remains with me when I feel no one could possibly understand my situation, is this: in the depth of the conflict I find the clarity that while I suffer, I'd rather not suffer. While I feel so sad, I'd rather be happy; while I feel angry, I'd rather feel joy; and while I feel alone I'd rather feel loved. In that reminder comes the awareness, that I am aware! The part of me that says "I'd rather be happy" is not feeling the suffering. It is somewhere beyond that, it is my consciousness; and in recognizing my consciousness, I recognize that I have one! And in recognizing I have this awareness in me, I recognize that it must just need some guidance, in order to help me calm my irritations and grow my feelings of peace of mind.
But that is just me, and I recognize so much in the experiences you share. So thank you for being here, thank you for expressing appreciation for the more experienced members here, of whom I am not one, but certainly thank God for them, everytime I see their wonderful names, hear their incredible journeys, feel their wonderful love.
We all have times that we hurt, and times that we can be cranky. It is none of our place to judge another. We might not know exactly what each other is going through, but we can support each other in their pain.
Peace
Courage
Serenity
