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My AH and I are separating in 2 days as he has requested. I have been suspicious that it was more than my coming down on the drinking that spurred this on. I believe it is a combination of factors. I figured that he was either having an affair or wanting to have an affair with someone. I confronted him and of course he said, "No," but this is something that he would lie about if he was doing it. He hates to be alone and I can't imagine that he would get out of the relationship unless he has someone else lined up. Years ago he actually said that he would have to have someone else if we were to break up -- a backup. I laughed it off, but now I think he was telling the truth.
Well, I was looking through my AH's phone and noticed some calls to and from a woman he works will. He knows that I have had a problem with this woman from the first moment I met her, but he remained friends with her. I could just tell that she had little respect for boundaries and my relationship with my husband. She smokes like my husband and would think nothing of asking him to go outside and smoke with him at a function that I was attending. Of course I would never even be asked to go. Though I don't smoke it is something I would do if I asked someone's husband to go outside. Of course my husband should have tried to include me too and I mentioned this to him and his response was not exactly stellar, but more defensive. I am pretty good at picking up on vibes and something felt fishy here and I am not a possessive person or suspicious by nature. It is just that their behavior alerted me. This was all well before any mention of separation.
I also noticed that this woman text messaged him at 9:30 AM yesterday saying, "I am on my way." I know he works out at the gym in the morning and I am assuming that they are going to the gym together. He mentioned once that he and this woman and one other guy were thinking of joining the gym together. Of course I don't see messages from the other guy. My husband sent her a text message saying, "Call me for a cig when you are on your way back. (Already went)" He received a text message from her saying, "I am on my way. The answer is YES." There were a few others and it is hard to tell what order these were in, but they must have all been sent yesterday.
The other thing is that I came home one day while we were separated for 3 weeks and he had his email open and I saw an email from this woman that said, "Smoke?" He knows I don't approve of his smoking and it has always been an issue between us. Who wants their husband smoking all the time with another woman who is single?
I also saw an email from his boss about a dinner at the company retreat he cancelled me from going on that listed those going to the dinner. It was all married couples and then my husband and this woman. I am wondering what explanation he was giving to his boss and his boss's wife who were going to have a big party for us to celebrate our wedding since we never had one. Seems strange that he would be so bold as to ask the woman he is having an affair at work to come to such a dinner. I guess there is a chance that she was there for business purposes, but really. Couldn't it have easily been one of his male colleagues at dinner?
Anyway, I know that this is another thing that I cannot control and that I should keep the focus on me, but it is so hard. I mean coming to terms with him being an A has been hard enough, then the separation and now a possible affair. How could he be so stupid to throw away 13 years for someone else that he hardly knows? If that is going on then they deserve each other. It will all come back to haunt them. I just can't see what he sees in her except that she is so needy and sheltered in many ways. We are so different, but he has always had an attraction for people with issues. It is not easy for him to make friends so I think that the needier the easier for him.
Anyway, I just need to get this off my chest. I am also wondering if I should confront him or let him in on my suspicions before he moves out. I just hate the idea that he thinks I don't know what is going on. Of course I could be wrong, but I am usually a good predictor of these things. A friend of mine says no. He says that there will be plenty of time to bring up these issues in the future since we are technically married and will have to talk about finances periodically. He also said he won't listen to anything I say now and that best thing I can do is act nonchalant when he moves out.
OMG. I would lose it on my AH if I saw all that. You are WAY healthier than me!!! Not that its the right thing to do but if it were me I would have already called that woman and screamed at her and threw his cell phone in the toilet for him to find. And then I would regret it all and call my sponsor to confess what I had just done. I SOOO admire you.
I have a lot of experience in this but not much strength or hope. I am sure others on this board do, but I just want to tell you how much I admire your restraint. You are classy. Not me, anything like that turns me into instant psycho. (with really disastrous results in the end.)
My soon to be ex husband, who is not my A, but who is an A'hole, was a cheater.
I spent 9 years of my life with this man.
I found out on October 25th of 2005 that my husband was having an affair. I found out ON A CELL PHONE too!
I had to be at work at 7:30 to meet the electrician and the gas guy because my store had no heat. My daughter attends a school that is 35 minutes away. She missed the bus. I had to let her drive my car to school, I had no time to take her. I woke up my husband and told him to get downstairs and watch our 5 year old because I needed to leave and I was taking his truck. He freaked out. When I got to work and parked, something told me to look under the seat. I pulled out a cell phone box, he did not have a cell phone. The reciept was inside dated just a few days before. I looked around and found the cell phone. I took it into my office and went through contacts, text messages, recieved calls, placed calls, all of it. I noticed ALL of the texts were to someone named Corey. They said things like
"Are you meeting me at the PA?"
"What R U doing?"
"I'm on my way"
"I M here"
I wrote everything down on a calendar, on the dates with the times, the phone number and whether it was sent or recieved.
I also found a can with several envelopes. He had created lists of things like income vs. bills, his and hers, and also lists of items they planned to buy for their place...right down to how much knives would cost! HIGH SCHOOL BS!!!!
I confronted him immediately. He admitted it. I tossed him out of our home. Called his mistress and left 2 pretty vulgar voice mails.
The next day she called me. She had just turned 21 a few days before. She had been seeing him for 10 months. He was her boss at work. She had NO idea he was married. I got everything on tape. She told me she assumed I was pranking her, she tought I was his EX girlfriend, who worked under him - ha! under him is right! - who had been with for 3 years & just HAD HIS BABY a few months prior.
2 weeks later, after I had searched for this "baby momma" all over the place, she called me too. She KNEW he wsa married. I went to her house, saw the baby, held the baby, found out that he had given her MY lingerie, bought a truck INDENTICAL to hers, bought our English Bulldog because she had one and lotts more. You know, I could not even be angry with her...she is left a single mother of an illegitmate child that the father wants NOTHING to do with, jobless, struggling...a fool. I was of course devastated! I was OK until I saw the crib, and knew my husbands child was in it. I fell to pieces, called out to God to give me the strength to see and do what I needed...He provided the strength and also filled my heart with the necessary compassion. This girl was only 23, 20 when she started the affair. Had never had a boyfriend, had never been told "I love you" by a man and MY husband played off of that. He is a master manipulator.
In the end I hired the nastiest divorce lawyer in town...he makes 3 times my income BUT he cannot even afford to move out of his mothers home now...TY nasty attorney! I make MORE than him now after child support and all the spousal support orders against him. I am taking 1/2 of EVERYTHING and he is left with, well, not even his dignity because he has none.
MY advice is get to a doctor, get some Ativan .5's for your nerves, Zoloft for depression and hire the meanest attorney you can find. LET the attorney fight FOR you, stay out of it yourself. DONT let him talk you into a dissolution - get him now and hard.
If they cheat once, oh boy, they will do it again and again....bast*rds.
I had NO idea he was cheating, frankly I thought he was too lazy to cheat, but whoa he was a master!
I just hate the idea that he thinks I don't know what is going on.
That's just ego my dear, yours. You want to be the winner. There really is no winner if your suspicions are true.
Once he knows that you know, then what? Will it stop? Unlikely. Will you be truly happy? Nope Will it change anything? No Will he admit it? Not likely either.
I understand your feelings, you don't want him to think that he has anything on you (ego) and maybe you could even force some guilt (revenge) on him.
Have you discussed the terms of the separation? Is dating allowed? I don't know your situation, if the separation is a precursor to divorce or a time to reconstruct your marriage. Is dating allowed? If not, it's a deal breaker and you can just take the high road and move foreward with your life and recovery.
*take what ya like and leave the rest*
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can totally relate to everything you are saying. My A got out of rehab and had an affair with a woman in the meetings. I also found out through the cell phone and I was devastated. He totally denied what was going on so I am sure if you approach your husband he will deny everything anyway. Mine would totally go off when I tried to confront him but eventually he had to fess up. I know what an awful feeling it is and I am so sorry you are going through this. We are soppose to be working things out now and his last affair ended in January. Now I am finding text messages on his phone again from someone else and when I confronted him this time he uses the excuse that it is someone from his meetings and he talks to all kinds of people (men and women) at his meetings. I have the feeling as you said that something fishy is going on again but I cannot prove anything. I am doing my best to turn this over to my HP and let things go but it is so hard. If approaching him before he leaves will help you to deal better then you should. You have to do what is best for you and will help you deal with this situation. I wish you the best and know that we are always here for you!!
Okay, so I decided not to approach him right before he moved out. I figured that I wouldn't get the response I was looking for anyway so why do it? My friend said "There is really no response that would make you feel better so why confront him?" Plus, he said, "You can't prove anything from those messages anyway. What if there is a chance that they are just friends? Then you would look like the one out of control. Keep your dignity." Well, I thought that sounded pretty insightful so I took that advice.
I knew that they text messaged occasionally before we started having trouble because he would tell me what she wrote. They were all pretty boring, but I did think she had a lot of nerve to be writing a married man even if they were nothing. BOUNDARIES!!!!!
I guess the thing is that when you are separating sometimes you search for a reason to be angry at the other person as if alcoholism isn't enough to be mad at. I am also looking for answers now instead of waiting for them to be revealed when the time is right.
The other thing is that it only makes sense that my AH would be looking for someone else to enable him since I have stopped that role. He feels that all he has been getting from me is negativity so why wouldn't he want someone who doesn't know how sick he really is? Well you know what? I have needs too and I need a partner not a patient.
It is soooooo much easier to Let it Go and Let God have it to tend. There are so many things as a human being I thought I was to find answers to. I thought I was left to decide all the daily house stuff. I thought I was to allow being controlled and I thought I was to be dictated to by my AH. "I Thought Wrong."
I CAN ~~~ Let it Go & Let God ~~~ & I DO. Im seeing that it is sooooooo much easier on my *self, my inner peace of mind, to let it work itself out. I dont have to take on anything that is not mine to handle. The bad thoughts, the bad feelings, the loneliness. BAH! The end result was always as it should be. With or without me thnking I was the one to be at the wheel steering. I wasted soo much time, but not anymore. Not Today. One Day at a Time. One minute at a time if need be... But ONLY ONE. No Projecting. (bit 'of a hard one for me...i admit., still is sometimes... the no projecting one. but when I recognize I'm doing it., I STOP.)
Today is a BRAND NEW DAY. Our home is a very different home. This is my home too. I am also at home in my heart. I am at home in my head. I like that. Thank You (((HP))) I have found the tools (Alanon) to understand more about what it mine. What is not. I can not control, I did not cause and I can not cure this terrible disease and the chaos that surrounds it. (The 3 Cs)... HP / GOD gets that. Takes it right away from me. All I have to do is ask, and its gone. I've turned over my AH to my HP/God too. ME? **I get My Life. That feels very good to me. & Today.... is a Good Day.
I also try to make a point before the day begins getting busy... to enjoy some "total silence." (haha -i wish every morning to do it., but thats just not possible., but most days.....) I have some simple Breathing Techniques ....I follow. I start out on the floor and...."Let it begin with Me." I INHALE.. thinking and saying:..."Take in FAITH." And as I EXHALE I say and think to "Release the FEAR" Just a suggestion to try beginning for atleast 5 and build up to atleast 20 minutes. *** It did.... it does help.*** Remember~ it's just a suggestion ((( lol. )))
I am so thankful to be here and to have such wonderful online friends, my group friends and my very special relationship with my HP/God.
(((((Sunny)))))))) Keep Working it ~ You are Worth It! I just want to give you a bigggg strong, but gentle ***Alanon HUG!***
"I Thought Wrong."
I CAN ~~~ Let it Go & Let God ~~~ 
& I DO. Im seeing that it is sooooooo much easier on my *self, my inner peace of mind, to let it work itself out. I dont have to take on anything that is not mine to handle. The bad thoughts, the bad feelings, the loneliness. BAH! The end result was always as it should be. With or without me thnking I was the one to be at the wheel steering. I wasted soo much time, but not anymore. Not Today. One Day at a Time. One minute at a time if need be... But ONLY ONE. No Projecting. (bit 'of a hard one for me...i admit., still is sometimes... the no projecting one. but when I recognize I'm doing it., I STOP.)
That feels very good to me. & Today.... is a Good Day. 
to enjoy some "total silence." (haha -i wish every morning to do it., but thats just not possible., but most days.....) I have some simple Breathing Techniques ....I follow. I start out on the floor and...."Let it begin with Me." I INHALE.. thinking and saying:..."Take in FAITH." And as I EXHALE I say and think to "Release the FEAR" Just a suggestion to try beginning for atleast 5 and build up to atleast 20 minutes. *** It did.... it does help.*** Remember~ it's just a suggestion ((( lol. 
)))
my group friends 
and my very special relationship with my 
HuG)))))
Keep Coming back to Alanon 