The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I keep trying, and my A keeps bringing me down. i try to seperate, but she wont let me go in my life, she calls and gives everyone a hard time that i know, but if i try to talk to her i'm a retched human being. years before i found "here" and i'm new, i knew everything was wrong. all i wanted to do was get away. but she would never let that happen. she calls everywhere and everyone. i know i'm supposed to believe it's control on my part. but what do i do if it really isn't me? i would love to let her go, my thought is honestly it's your problem not mine. but i just cant find a way out. thats my problem. whether it be her searching for me every where, or i finally give in and answer and she treats me like i'm an idiot. but why would she try when all i want to do is let her go? it's not for me i know that. i know it's for her. sheesh i'm answereing all my own questions huh. i'm just a mess. but that's why i'm here right. i want a life too though. i want the right to do what i want, and not feel bad. i'm bitter and at the end of my line here. none of it makes sense and it's all crashing in. i don't know what to do. i go to f2f meetings, i feel strong, then she hunts me down and makes me feel bad. sometimes i don't have the strength. it makes me wonder what i am lacking. i know it would be a cruel heart, and that i never loved her, but i dont have that heart, and i loved her she is my heart. i think i'm just f'd up and i'll never get back to me. and i try. everyday i wake up and i try, i got it all straight in my head, and i fail , i fail me and i failed my kids. no matter how strong i am, i wont take her calls, i wont answer her banging at my door at 3 am. but i failed somehow because i should have known 6 years ago...everyday i feel something was stolen from me and i don'tmean monetary, i mean from my soul. everyday i become less of me, so she can be an A...and i fight it and i'm not nice, i'll just as soon at this point throw her to the curb, but why does it take part of me and who i am and what i believe away from me? it's not my addiction it's nothing to do with me, but why am i dieing inside, why am i suffering, why do i have to keep it all together? i know the steps, but i don't feel better and i'm still dieing from her addiction. i don't know if this makes sense to anyone, but it's how i feel. i'm dieing on the vine...
*Knowing the steps* won't help you. It's working them with a sponsor that is the answer. When I first came to this program I didn't want to do it the way it was suggested.....go to face to face meetings in my area, get a sponsor, work the steps etc. I wanted the instant healing without doing the footwork.
It just doesn't happen like that. Would be great if it did, but it doesn't. I knew the steps too. Shoot, I had them memorized. I participated all the time in my online groups......why wasn't I getting better?? That's when I hit my own rock bottom and decided to follow the suggestions of those who'd gone before me in this program. I did it their way instead of mine. I got a sponsor and I worked the steps. wow......there was actual work involved, lots of it too. No wonder just knowing them didn't do a thing.
Noone can *make* you feel anything. It seems as if they can, but that's only because you haven't reached the point yet where you are in control of your own emotions. The steps can bring you to that point......whenever you're ready.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I know exactly where you are. Your pain is real, your confusion and dispair is real. There is hope that this program can help. I was at the end of my rope, totally on my knees when I was lead to Al-anon. I am still learning and growing.
What I know so far is... reading the words and agreeing with them is a good start, but the healing and the power of it is when you accept them as truths, and believe them deep in your heart.
I knew my wife was an A, and I knew it was a disease. Reading the words I didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it was comforting until I was in a face to face confrontation with the disease in her.
But now I really believe it in my heart. I see that many of the angry things she says are projections of how she feels about herself. That is the disease trying to push those feelings onto others, so she doesn't have to deal with it.
I truly love my wife as well. For the past 2 years I just have not seen her much, and it is crushing!
Take heart, keep coming back and keep posting.
It can work if you work it. Belief and acceptance take time. Somebody told me " you are right where you are supposed to be in your recovery..."
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
my heart breaks to hear your pain in your typing, that pain is real and probably won't go away over night. From reading a few of your post, you have been in this situation for a long time, it will take a while for you to "feel" better. I have no idea of your age, but just to give you an example, I am 41 years old in life & almost 3 years in true living.
So many times I get so hard on myself because I'm not further in the program, but my sponsor kindly reminds me that I am almost a 3 year old, and that I should give myself the understanding I would give my two 3 year old grandchildren. So if you are new, you are just a baby, give yourself a break.
If you have some Al-Anon literature, maybe read info on boundaries and taking care of myself. It is a good place to start. Sometimes legal protection can help if an active Alcoholic/addict won't respect those boundaries.
Try living One Day At a Time, One Hour, One Minute - for me that makes life not seem so overwhelming,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
