The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He is gone again. Get this: He disappeared from 5/3 - 5/11, at which time he landed himself in the hospital. He called his mom for help, who reluctantly helped him and swares she won't again. (She refuses to enable him). He stayed @ his grandma's from 5/11 -5/13 (she can't turn him away) at which time he called me and asked if he could come home. I thought for a long moment & agreed so we could talked. We talked for hours (like 6 hours) in the middle of the night & made MAJOR progress. We ended up in each others arms before it was all over trying to comfort each other & heal. He has been GREAT for the last 10 days. Granted he hasn't gotten a job yet & he hasn't gotten any repairs done on the house so we can sell. BUT he has been in great spirits & been very attentive & affectionate towards me & the kids. He has been cooking dinner & cleaning the kitchen & doing laundry. Other than that though, he has been sleeping while I was at work.
So yesterday morning I called him right before I got to work & he had been on the phone. When I finally got through he said he was on w/his old boss & found out they will NOT rehire him b/c he was considered leaving under "job abandonment". Totally true too in my view. I told him that his grandma needed help getting his grandpa to the veterans hospital for a dr appt. He agreed to call her up and let her know he would go with her.
I got home from work @ 5:00 or so & he was not home & my son had not heard from him. So I call his grandma only to find they never heard from him or saw him all day. Needless to say I was pissed. It is 4:20 pm on Tues and he is still not home. He is pulling another binger. The last one almost killed him. He said it scared him so bad that he would not touch crack again. DUH - I fell for that one like an idiot.
The good news is that his latest actions has caused me to get off my butt and contact a lawyer to get the separation/divorce process rolling. I have a consultation on Friday. I have been dragging my feet, knowing that this is what I want to do but to damn scared to go through with it. But I took that leap, made that call and now just have to find the courage & strength to make it to the meeting. I know I will be able to do that, if he stays gone. However, if he comes back home, it is possible that I lose the courage. I worry about my AH. I still love him dearly but cannot live like this any more. I know that by letting him continue this way as if nothing is wrong, I am enabling him. But I am afraid that filing for divorce will send him spiralling down into an abyss.
So I am trying to stay on track - I will not enable. I will follow through and let HIM suffer the consequences of his own actions, not me & the kids.
Thanks for listening. I just wanted to let out my thoughts, release some pent up tension.
There's nothing I can say that will make it feel any better. But something you said caught my eye and I had a few thoughts on:
But I am afraid that filing for divorce will send him spiralling down into an abyss.
One thing I know for sure, as a recovering alcoholic myself and as someone with active alcoholics/users in my life, YOU do not have the power to send anyone down into any abyss. And the kindest thing you might be able to do for him is to allow him to reach his bottom.
I know that just because we do what we are supposed to doesn't mean that the A's in our lives will suddenly cooperate and get sober and everything.
But just rest in knowing that you are doing what you have to do for you and that it is not your responsibility and it MOST DEFINITELY is not your fault if he uses over your decision.
I know that when I was drinking, no one EVER made me drink (although I was more than happy to use others' behavior as an excuse!). I'm the one that picked up the glass/bottle and put it to my mouth and swallowed the liquor.
Is it easy? Not on your life!!!! It's horrible watching my family members do what they are doing sometimes. Sometimes that means I just have to keep my distance. It would be so much easier if I didn't love them, you know. But, in spite of what choices they are making (for those who even still have the capacity to choose!) I am okay thanks to this program.
I'm sorry for the pain you are in. I just filed my papers on Monday. It was so hard filling them out and actually filing them. I have the same fears of sending my AH into a tailspin. I try to remind myself that Aism is a progressive dosease and whatever happens would have eventually anyway. There is always my trust that my HP has both of us right where we are supposed to be at any given time. I wish you the best, whatever decision you end up making will be the right one for you at the time. <big hug>
I understand the frustration and sorrow you are feeling right now...you have to remember that nothing you do causes him to binge....he will do exactly what he wants to do regardless of your feelings.
I know the pain seems to much to bare right now, but it will get easier.......until he dicides to get off of the stuff and get help...your are powerless.....
Take it a minute at a time...stand your ground firmly....
