The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you all for reading this essay in advance. I have been a browser on this forum for around 2 weeks now and am finding inspiration in even the darkest of places and it may sound weird but i enjoy reading your shares as it helps me look at things in my life in a different way. I’d like to share my (abridged) experiences with you.
Well I’m 3 weeks into my al-anon programme – I’ve been going to f2f meetings and reading the al-anon and AA message boards, I also went to an open AA meeting a few weeks ago and am going to a new comers meeting tonight at 6.30 then my Al-anon at 8pm.
Last week I felt like a fake being there because I’m only 23 and my boyfriend of 7 months, who I’ve been living with for 3, is the alcoholic and it just doesn’t seem long enough to warrant me being in the programme. I just don’t know. I don’t feel out of place but listening to all the sharing is making me think – am I using his alcoholic behaviour as an excuse to cover up our relationship problems? Should I be in counselling rather than al-anon?
We moved in together 3 months ago and everything was perfect – infact he was the one who was encouraging me to be more enthusiastic about the little cottage we’d found together. We went back for a second viewing and he said “we’ll do whatever it takes to make it feel more like home…” So, 3 months on and our relationship is in ruins.
He has abused drugs in the past and continues to abuse alcohol. He was in AA 3 years ago for 6 months, he was 21 then; and more recently he went back to AA for 2 weeks 8 weeks ago. We were getting along so well until we went to a party 6 weeks ago and he was around his old friends again and he drank. He was avoiding them like his Big Book advised him to. He woke up the next morning and regretted drinking then went to AA that night.
On the 25th April he sent me a text saying “hi. Sorry for everything, it will get better. I’m really down atm and my head is telling me to drink but when I do I start messing stuff up which makes me more stressed. Its horrible. I just need to stay sober and get back to being jolly again”. Two nights later I get this “hi you. I’ve made a decision and I’m going to stick to it. I need a bit of a break you haven’t done anything wrong i just need time alone. I’m feeling guilty about treating you badly at the mo. I’m very stressed and I don’t feel comfortable around you, I don’t know why either. I’m really sorry. We’ll talk about it at the weekend but till then I probably won’t see you. I think you’re great but I’m not in a relationship mood or in a mood to share my feelings with anyone”. His text messages told me otherwise - I know I shouldn’t have snooped but his behaviour has led me to it. He had been texting his ex girlfriend about how “he wanted to finish with me but he couldn’t because I was always crying” and from her to him “you have to do it…” etc. All he does is spent time texting, I know he did this before but my mind is in overdrive, especially now he’s told her to set up an MSN account so they can talk over MSN and, I presume, not be traced!
He started to spend more time with his ex girlfriend who is a heavy drinker and who he used to live with. I found this out because I looked at his emails. I came across one where the content was explicit and said “I really fancy you…I like small boobs on a thin body…I’m having dirty thoughts about you, I want to see you come…” I told him I had seen it and he tried to worm his way out of it by lying. I have since found out that he stayed at her house one night (and god know how many others when he didn’t come home), and he has now employed her in his company. He told me that he would never start something with her because it would jeopardise his company (no mention of our relationship in there or that he didn’t like her anymore!!). It’s the lying I really can’t stand. We went to a football match the other night and we were going to go together but he told me he was working late so he’d meet me there but I since found out that he gave her a lift home instead of coming back to meet me. Another example is his birthday a few weeks ago – he went out for a curry with his ex in our home town instead of coming home to me, and lied about who he went out with. If I knew nothing was going on and he was honest about the time he spent with her I wouldn’t mind – it’s the fact that he covers up where he is and what he’s doing. I don’t want him to report in to me but a little bit of common courtesy wouldn’t go amiss!!!
I have been trying to put into practice the al-anon methods but I’m coming to realise that perhaps its not the drink making him behave like this but the fact that he has cheated on me and wants to be back with his ex. We sleep in the same bed but don’t cuddle, kiss or really communicate. We don’t argue because I’m not a naturally aggressive person – his ex and he used to argue all the time – he has made me feel inferior to a person he once labelled as ‘unstable and a lunatic’ but apparently now enjoys spending time with more than me! I love this man so much, (or so I think – perhaps I have become co-dependant upon him?) but I have become depressed and it is affecting my work, life, sleep and general mental health.
I have made so much of an effort to go out and socialise with my buddies, take up new hobbies etc but I still want to spend at least one evening a week with him! I fret that he’s with her, not that he’s drinking. I am not a naturally jealous person; I used to be so outgoing, fun to be around, uninhibited, etc. He has made me into this – or rather, I have allowed him to.
To be honest I’m sick of putting on a jolly brave face – I just want to smack him around the head and ask him WTF is going on and actually get a straight answer for once.
Also, we can’t move out of our house for another 9 months as we have no break clause on our contract. But the thing is, is that I don’t want to move and I want us to be a couple again.
My dad is has a drink problem and my mum and I shared something we’d never shared before this weekend and that was an honest, open chat about him. She told me that when I was 3 my dad cheated on her with his female drinking partner – my mum caught them in the act. That was 20 years ago and she says that all she feels for him is numbness – she never found al-anon but I’m encouraging her to read up on it. She doesn’t hate my dad but she doesn’t love him, or trust him or really care at all. I don’t want to end up like her.
Thank you for letting me share and I apologies for it being long winded, this is just my heart and my brain saying I can’t put on this front anymore.
One of my good friends is a 9 year sober alcoholic.
When I told him about my A, our relationship, his first words were "RUN" told me he would NEVER change it will NEVER change....NEVER....and eventually he would bring me down with him.
It didnt take too long.
I am 36 years old, been around the block a time or two, been through 2 failed marriages where the second ended after I discovered he had multiple affairs over the past 6 1/2 years and even had an illegitimate son with one of them...I survived that shock and was back on my feet in 10 days. I am a positive, intelligent, happy, sincere, loving, compassionate, giving wonderfull person and a responsible mother and manage a small loan office which is very successfull. I have NO desire to associate myself with druggies or drunks or criminals or cheaters. And guess what, the love of my life turned out to be an active alcoholic...and I became addicted to HIM.
NOTHING could have convinced me that I could not handle being in a relationship with a man active in his disease. I just KNEW that I had enough strength and love in me to fix him and turn his ruined life around. He would acknowledge my love and devotion and we would live a happy wonderful fairy tale life together.
It does not work that way. The closer I got, the more he pushed me away. The more I meant to him, the more he found ways to avoid me, the time he got sober he told me when he is sober all he wants is me, when he is drinking all he wants is to drink.
While blacked out on Rum, his favorite poison, he made a comment that he would like to go back into the place we just left and let this thing ( a true piece of white trash, dont care if that sounds offensive that is what she is ) know that she was a "real c*ck tease in school" and that my brother told him, he went out with her several years ago, that "she f*cks like a porn star"...I ran into her sister, small town everyone knows everyone, yesterday and she looked at me like "OH SH*T..." so I have a suspicion that he must have picked up that dirty mangy tramp and had a go with her sometime recently...or while we were together even. (we split just a week and a half ago).
The thing to remeber is...and I have learned this through AlAnon and my own personal experience...the addict will NEVER change without complete commitment to the 12 steps, AA and working the program.
They will forever be an addict.
If you can live the rest of your life, or the next several months, or however long with his abuse, than God give you strength, you will need it.
Hello, lila, I am so glad you have found alanon. I wish I had known about alanon when I was your age. As it was, I was lucky to find it at 36, and I've been in the program for 20 years. If you can do it, now is the time in your life to begin to learn how to take care of YOU. You have a secure place to live. Do what you need to do for yourself. Like most of us, you grew up with an alcholic and did not learn healthy ways to live and to think about what you need. Please hang in with the program. Through the years, I have gone to counseling many, many times. That is one way to help yourself. But the face to face meetings of alanon have something in them I've never seen anywhere else. They are truly healing. Working the 12 steps with a sponsor is really a miracle, in my experience. I hope you will keep coming back here. I"m sure others will give you responses to your message, too. Go to meetings and TALK!!! Blessings and prayers, mebjk
You say you are only 23, and have only been with your A boyfriend for 7 months--but in all honesty, age and time don't have much to do with it. If you are struggling with issues stemming from someone's drinking, that's enough to qualify anyone for Al-Anon! Even, imo, anyone having a tendency to be attracted to people with this type of disease!
You mention the problems your Mom and Dad had, which suggests that you might share a lot of the issues that Adult Children of Alcoholics have, and there are good resources there, too, in the way of meetings and literature. There's an ACA forum on this board, as well.
But keeping it simple is the key thing, and it sounds like you've made a great start with posting here, Al-Anon meetings, etc.
It's great that you have shared your story, and a lot of healing comes from continuing to share, get feedback, listen to others, and over time, things change for you. Thanks for being so honest.
They won't change for the A boyfriend unless he wants to change, and really commits to a recovery program for himself.
All you can do is keep the focus on yourself, and get the help you need and deserve.
Alanon is certainly for you. Infact, I wish all people would enter it whether they had an alcoholic in their lives or not.
Granted, all alcoholics have similar "isms"..like lying, denial, making excuses yadda yadda. Infidelity and or cheating is not one of them. The lines get blurred at times and they can use it as an excuse for their actions (and we are good at excusing it too), but truly if that is not the type of person they are it won't happen.
Unfortunately, you have two main things to deal with, as many do here. One being the alcoholism and the other being the cheating. You will eventually have to put boundaries in place and ask yourself what you are willing to allow and not allow in your relationship.
In my opinon, people that cheat are seeking something that is missing in their lives, some sort of high. It serves them a purpose of sorts, fullfilling a need. An AA program may or not bring them to an understanding of where they need to be to stop the behavior/addiction/need.
Please protect yourself from any communicable diseases. I'd truly hate to see you suffer a life long disease due to his indiscretions.
Keep coming back
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
RUN RUN RUN from this person as fast as you can. Do not make any excuse for yourself or him. Alcoholism or not his behavior is not appropriate and condescending. You nor anyone needs nor deserves to be treated as you are being treated.
Continue with Al Anon for YOU. No excuses leave the cottage there are shelters if need be. Move in with your Mom maybe the two of you can go to AlAnon together.
I stayed in a relationship for 28 years and actually your story sounds so much like the start of mine. It became much worse as time went on. Find an honorable person that will care for you. That will have concern for your feelings. Loving behavior is not sleeping with your ex. nor not bothering to call and be responsible within the relationship.
Work on fixing you and figuring out why you find this inappropriate behavior acceptable to some degree.... in that you are questioning leaving. My heart absolutely is bleeding for you at this moment. You are young.
It is difficult. I'm feeling all alone in the world. I realized why I picked and tolerated all I did from my A for so many years. My immediate family is not well and it took my fileing for divorce and a crisis within my family to see the truth. As painful as it is, it is what it is. You can lead a horse to water however can not make them drink it. I grew up in a very perfectionist family, very critical. Nothing I ever did was right nor good enough. So when my A started to treat me poorly I assumed it was what I deserved as I had been treated the same within my immediate family.
I am estranged from my family, it hurts, however it hurts more to continue to be put down by them. You do not need these put downs. This might just be the time for you and your Mother to heal together with the help on AlAnon.
Bless You, wishing you strength and I realize I've come on a bit strong. It is what my heart compelled me to write.
I'm so glad you have found Alaon and joined us here at MIP! Reading your post brought back so many memories for me. In my case it was not an exgf but a whole group of exfriends. I wish so much I had found Alanon at the beginning of my relationship, I could have avoided alot of pain and misery. And maybe been a help to my As problem instead of a provocation to it. I am not in a position to tell you to run or stay, but I can say this don't use excuses like pets comfort, broken leases, insurance or anything else that makes you feel trapped. I've come to realise now using those excuses was not fair to mysellf or my A, even if it let me stay without having to own that I was choosing to.
In my situation it's 13 years later, still no consistent affection, lies, active using with half hearted attempts at being sober for short periods of time. And I finally had to leave, I still love him, I still wish we were together. I had to leave recently when I found I could not truly get myself healthy lining with him.
I wish you well, and will keep you in my prayers. Thank you for sharing.
Dear all of you who have taken time to read and/or reply,
I know what I need to do, but its strange - I sit at my desk, read the message boards and fret but then go to my al-anon meetings and open aa meetings and hearing others peoples experiences only convinces me to do the opposite. I'm vey confused!!
My A is bad for my life only because i let him be bad. I still have to figure out whats best for me, well - i know whats best for me!
I make excuses - if he didn't drink then i wouldn't put up with this, because he drinks i do - how f'd up is that!!!
Anyway - i still haven't learnt to formalise my sharing or thoughts so thank you for being patient. Just reading your posts help me x
